Three Too Many
by RisingTwilight
Summary: Hey, do you guys remember eclipse? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm making fun of it anyways. The third installment of my EPIC parody series. Of EPICAL proportions.
1. Prologue

_Alright, the title for this was actually supposed to be _Three(some), _but I decided that probably wouldn't end well. __  
_

_Anyways, hi there! Welcome to the third installment of my attempt to parody the _twilight _series. So, yeah, if you haven't read the first two fics, then you should. I'll give you a cookie if you do. This fic will cover all of _eclipse, _with every chapter of _Three Too Many _corresponding to a chapter of _eclipse.

_Now then, as for this little prologuey thing. I imagine I've probably gone overboard with the foreshadowing by now, so you can probably understand what's going on, but, here's a hint anyways—it's not from Sue's point of view. And the events mentioned here will actually occur in the story. _

_And finally, thank you for taking the time to read, and do remember that I adore reviews!

* * *

_

All our attempts at subterfuge had been in vain.

They were cleverer than I had given them credit for. Or just really really, freaking lucky. I hated them. Hate hate hate hate. Have I mentioned that already? Well, let it be said—I _loathed _them. Though, if we made it out of this alive, I was totally taking them to Vegas. But that was unlikely. 'Cause I was kinda planning on killing them the first chance I got. With my bare hands.

Honestly, they sickened me, that duo. I honestly couldn't figure out if they hated each other or loved each other, but whatever they did, it was beyond obnoxious. I imagine she spent all her time thinking of ludicrous, flowery metaphors that are vastly overdramatic considering there really isn't ever a lot of conflict. And by a lot I mean any. And he probably spent all his time thinking about sex. Not necessarily with her. If you were in my place, wouldn't you want to kill them too? Yeah, that's what I thought.

But anyways, the whole killing them thing wasn't going too well at this particular moment. They were bound to find out eventually, but I'd kinda been hoping that happened right before they went into the light. Or, considering who were talking about, the dark fiery pits of hell. I didn't really care which, as long as they weren't here.

Actually, right then it was more likely that I'd be the one getting sent to a different place. Some people just took themselves too seriously. A few assassination attempts never killed anybody. Er. Um...

Honestly, shouldn't the Voturi have shown up by now? Those losers usually showed up when the scent of manufactured conflict is in the air. And as useless as they were, at least they made a good distraction.

They'd be here before too long, I knew. But until then, I had a angsty teenager girl and an angsty not-teenage vampire to deal with.

I swear, it was times like this that just made me want to kill a baby.


	2. Another Day in Sporks

**At the Evil Lair of Evilness**

Two sat at a table, in the dark cavern-like room carved out of the mountain side. One wall was exposed the air, offering a view of the gloomy forests below. Rain poured down just outside.

She sat in a crimson throne at the head of the table, dressed in black. He sat on her right.

"We," said Rosalie, "need a plan."

"Mmmph," replied Jacob.

Rosalie, her chin resting on her hand, glared at Jacob. "Just because you're a dog doesn't mean you have to act like one, you disgusting excuse for an accomplice."

With some difficulty, Jacob chewed and swallowed. "I'm not a dog," he protested. "I'm a _shapeshifter. _There's a difference."

"Sure there is," said Rosalie. "But regardless of whatever you mongrels feel like calling yourselves, you are still acting like an animal, and I _will _stop stocking the hideout with Cheetos if you cannot control yourself."

"But... I love Cheetos," whimpered Jacob.

Rosalie raised her palm to her face. "Then behave. And would you please put your shirt back on?"

` "But—" said Jacob.

"I'm not like that pathetic Mary Sue, to be so easily charmed by abdominal muscles." She straightened up in her throne, resting her hand on its curved arm. "And I am not like that pathetic Edward Cullen, to fall for someone young enough to be my great-grandson.

"But—" said Jacob.

"Besides," said Rosalie, "I'm married. To Emmett."

"How's that going for you?" asked Jacob.

"Terribly," said Rosalie. "All he does is watch football and make sex jokes. Which is why you're here helping me instead of him."

"I see," said Jacob.

"Which reminds me, we should probably get down to business," said Rosalie. "As I was trying to do before you distracted me." she glared pointedly at Jacob.

"How come everything's always my fault?" muttered Jacob.

"As things stand so far I have spent a considerable amount of Carlisle's money building a big dramatic secret hideout in the side of a mountain, while you have distracted Sue and Edward with massive angst," said Rosalie. "But we have thus far made absolutely no progress on our true goal: killing Edward Cullen."

"We had to build the hideout first," said Jacob. "We're going to do this villain thing right."

Rosalie gave him a Look. "Were you always this weird?"

Jacob shrugged. "You make a better straight man then Sue ever did."

Rosalie once more pressed her palm to her face. "Right. Anyways, plan."

"I might be able to help you there," said the Voice.

Jacob jumped up. "Holy crap is that Edward?"

"I hardly think," said Rosalie, looking to the origin of the voice, "that Edward Cullen would be hiding in our toaster."

"Give the lady a cookie," said the Voice. "after I left Sue's head, this was the only gig I could find."

"So," said Jacob, poking the toaster curiously, "you're haunting our toaster now?"

"More like possessing, but yeah," said the toaster. "Check this out!"

The lever of the toaster flew up, spraying burning crumbs in Jacob's face. He feel to the floor screaming.

Rosalie stood up and approached the toaster, stepping over Jacob. She put her hands on her hips and looked it over. "What was that you were saying about being in Sue's head?"

"MY FACE!" cried Jacob.

"Oh, yeah, that's where I was originally. Which, let me tell you, was a very scary place to be," said the Voice. "It's a good thing nobody's ever tried to write a book from her point of view. That much flowery whining could corrupt the entire teenage girl population."

"Good thing," agreed Rosalie. "But tell me, what are you. Aside from a disembodied voice haunting my toaster."

"Babe," said the Voice. "I'm not just any disembodied voice haunting your toaster. I'm a disembodied voice haunting your toaster that can help you kill Edward Cullen."

"Oh?" said Rosalie, raising a perfect blond brow. "And why would you want to do that?"

"The same reason as you two," said The Voice. "He's taking all my screen time."

"Hmm," said Rosalie. "Yes, perhaps we could use your help." She picked the toaster up and brought it to what had formerly been Jacob's chair. She then went over and slapped Jacob.

"Ooow," he whimpered. "Not my face! The girls love my face."

"Like I care," said Rosalie. "Get to your seat."

"There's a toaster in my seat," said Jacob.

"Then sit on the floor, dog!" snarled Rosalie. Jacob sulkily sat down beside the table while she primly perched on her throne.

"Now then," said she, "let the first meeting of the Characters Attempting to Kill Edward, or CAKE Society, begin!"

* * *

**What Used To Be A House**

"Dude," said Sue.

"I totally thought that was microwavable," said Charlie.

"It was _not_," said Sue, staring at the burning wreckage of their home.

"Hey guys what's up—oh," said Edward leaning out the window of the carriage. He stared at the smoldering ruins. "Charlie try to cook again?"

"He was making Pop-Tarts," said Sue.

"Ooh," said Edward knowingly. "I've done that before."

"Multiple times," added Liaf.

"Why were you making Pop-Tarts in the first place?" Sue asked Edward.

"'Cause I could. And come on, they have hot fudge flavor!" said Edward.

"What did you even do with them? It's not like you could really eat them. Did you just decide to choke on them?" asked Sue.

"Of course not," said Edward. "I made Jasper choke on them."

"It gets very boring being a vampire sometimes," said Liaf.

"Moving away form the subject of Pop-Tarts," said Sue.

"Well," said Charlie, "I'd invite you to come in, Edward, but I don't think we have walls anymore. Also, I hate you."

"A pleasure as always, Chief Swan," said Edward. "Well, I think perhaps we should hang out at my place today, Heroin. If you would?"

Sue climbed into the carriage and Edward pulled the door shut behind her. As they drove off, Edward shouted to Charlie, "Don't worry, Chief Swan, I'll take _good _care of your daughter!"

* * *

"_You," _said Liaf to Edward, "are paying for the damages."

"Yeah, yeah," said Edward. "How was I supposed to know that he would fire on us?"

"Dude, what made you think he wouldn't?" asked Liaf. "Man, I'm a vampire, and I've still never meet someone quite so bloodthirsty as that man."

"Hmph," said Edward. "Heroin, you better not inherit that from him... Heroin?"

Sue did not hear, as she was currently preoccupied with looking out the window and sighing.

"Hey!" said Edward, poking her, "Hey! Listen!"

"She's totally thinking about the wolf-boy," said Liaf, looking into his awesome rear-view mirror that his carriage totally had.

"How can you tell?" asked Edward.

"Cause she's drooling," said Liaf.

"Dang it," said Edward. "Why won't you pay attention to me~" he whined, shaking Sue's arm.

"Huh?" she said, coming out of her reverie with a start. "Oh, oops, sorry. Distracted."

"Of course," sniffed Edward. "I'm sure that would make the dog happy."

"What?" said Sue quickly. "I totally wasn't even thinking about him."

"Sure you weren't," said Liaf. "You got a little something at the corner of your mouth."

"Huh?" Sue quickly wiped the drool away. "Uh..."

"You might want to give it up, Girlie," said Liaf.

"Frick," said Sue. "It's just, did you see how _sad _he looked when he was threatening you in the woods?"

"No," said Edward. "It actually kinda looked like he was smiling."

"Well, he wasn't," said Sue. "He was _sad_. Because he loves me, and he can't have me. His heart was broken."

"That's some kinda complex you got going there," said Liaf.

"Yeah sure whatever," said Edward. "He'll get over it. It's not like the characters in this series have issues moving on or anything."

"I just wish I could hang out with him sometime—" said Sue.

"No," said Edward.

"But—"

"No," repeated Edward. "I don't want to have to keep buying lint rollers."

"You can't decide who my friends are," said Sue. "I am a strong, independent woman."

Edward handcuffed her to the carriage.

"These books aren't anti-feminist at all," said Liaf.

* * *

_To commemorate the official first chapter of _Three Too Many, _here is a list of things I hate about _eclipse_. I may add to this later. _

_ 1) Some say Shakespeare's play _King Lear _is about nothing. I might say the same of _eclipse.

_ 2) It has twenty-eight chapters, counting the epilogue, whereas _twilight _and _new moon. _So not only does this bug the O CD part of me, it means that this parody will have twenty-eight chapters too. Unless I decide to do extra special double chapters. Hmmm._

_ 3) Mary Sue is still breathing at the end of it. _

_ 4) Despite the lack of any major conflict, the whole novel is way overdramatic. _

_ 5) That Robert Frost poem at the start was just killed. And what the frick does "Fire and Ice" have to do with _angstlight?

_6) The ribbon on the cover annoys me. _


	3. Bad Things Happen

** "**Seriously?" asked Liaf.

"It's the only way," said Edward.

"I hate you," said Sue.

Edward paused in trying to fit his fangs around the chain of the handcuffs long enough to say, "Of course you do, love. Now quit wiggling or you'll lose a finger."

"There has got to be an easier way to handle this," said Sue, trying very hard to keep still.

"Don't worry, guys!" said Alice cheerfully, running out of the Cullen's sparkly white mansion. "I found the chainsaw!"

"Oh no you don't," said Liaf, tripping her before she could get close. "You are not getting anywhere near my carriage with a chainsaw. In fact, you're not allowed anywhere near my carriage, at all."

"But how will I get to school?" asked Alice.

"Run," said Liaf, before turning his attention back to his carriage, and the girl still handcuffed to it.

"I don't think that's going to work," said Carlisle.

"No, I totally got this—woops," said Edward.

"Yeah, I'm totally bleeding," said Sue.

"I'm aware," said Edward, zeroing in on the delicious red goodness.

Liaf turned to Carlisle, "Can we please just cut her free already?" He revved the chainsaw he had confiscated from Alice.

"Not a chance," said Carlisle. "I'm telling you, I can't afford it. I swear something's happening to my funds."

"Sure," said Liaf. "I'll give them half an hour. Or until Pretty-Boy drains her dry. Then we can just cut her arm off instead of damaging my carriage."

"How did Edward even manage to lose the key?" asked Carlisle, watching Edward suck Sue's blood, over her weakening protests.

"I think that a better question would be why he was even carrying handcuffs around in the first place," commented Liaf.

"What's so weird about that?" asked Carlisle. "I always have handcuffs with me."

"You are special," said Liaf. "And a terrible example."

"New plan!" said Alice, appearing next to Liaf.

"Oh god, what now?" asked Liaf.

"Butter!" said Alice, waving the tub in the air.

"There's no way—" said Liaf, and then he stopped. "She's already buttering Sue, isn't she?"

"Looks like it," observed Carlisle.

At this point, the rest of the Cullens had wandered out to watch the proceedings. And then, to everyone's amazement, Sue slid right out of the handcuffs and collapsed into a boneless heap on the Cullen's front lawn. Which was sparkly. And perfect.

"Hmm," said Carlisle. "That's interesting."

"Looks like something fell out of her pocket," said Rosalie, pointing to an envelope on the ground near Sue that she certainly had not thrown there herself.

"Hey, this says 'from Jacob' on the front!" said Edward, pouncing on it and ignoring his ignoring his unconscious girlfriend.

"You should open it," suggested Rosalie, which was rather unnecessary, as Edward was already tearing the envelope open with his teeth.

Abruptly, though, he stopped, and his red eyes went wide. He spat the envelope out, scrubbed at his tongue, and then joined Sue on the ground.

"This looks fun!" said Alice, clapping her hands.

Carlisle ran over to Edward, while Liaf cautiously approached the envelope. He picked it up by an unopened corner, and turned it upside down. A shower of white powder came out.

"That's probably bad," said Liaf.

"Is that what I think it is?" asked Carlisle.

Liaf sniffed a little, and then quickly backed away. "Yup," he said. "Garlic powder. And that idiot went and got a mouthful." He gestured to the twitching Edward. A scrap of paper fell out of the envelope he was still holding. Liaf read the message written on it aloud. "'CAKE is coming for you?' What the crap is that supposed to mean?"

"What indeed?" said Rosalie, her palm over her face.

* * *

**C.A.K.E. SOCIETY HEADQUARTERS**

"That was a terrible choice of message. And your plan," said Rosalie, drumming her fingers on the table, a bored expression on her face, "was a complete failure."

"Imagine that," said the Toaster (otherwise known as the Voice), spinning around in circles in the chair next to Rosalie.

"And here I thought that plan was foolproof," said Jacob from the floor. Rosalie glared at each of them in turn.

"Sarcasm is not appreciated," said she, " results are. And results are something you possess very little of."

"Who died and made you queen of the world?" muttered the Toaster. Rosalie's eyes flashed red, and then she stood up and walked over to their refrigerator. From it she extracted two waffles. She stuffed them in the Toaster before resuming her place on her throne.

"Mmmfph," said the Toaster.

"Now," she said, "clearly you two are incompetent."

"Hey!" protested Jacob. " I didn't see you helping."

Lightning crackled down outside, a stark flash of light illuminating the falling rain, as well as Rosalie's face. "That, wolf," she said, "is because I had more important things to do."

"Like what?" snorted Jacob. Rosalie kicked him and he whimpered on the floor

"Have you heard about what' s happening in Seattle?

"Oh yeah!" said Jacob. "There've been a crazy lot of murders there recently. Tragic."

"Yes," said Rosalie, dead-pan. "Quite."

The waffles sprung out of the Toaster, soaring through the air. Jacob jumped up and caught them in his mouth before landing and chewing contentedly . "Dude that's so bad," said the toaster.

"Like you've never killed anyone," said Rosalie.

"Actually no," said the Toaster. "Unless you count me telling Sue to kill herself. It's kinda difficult to be a murderer when you don't exist."

"Yeah, whatever," said Rosalie. "A girl's got to eat somehow."

"Yaar twerriphble," said Jacob around a mouthful of waffle. Rosalie looked down at him in disgust.

"You wish to know what is truly terrible?"said Rosalie. "Your manners. And if you intend to play comic relief, I'm going to put a remote controlled shock collar on you. Comic relief is that last thing we need in this parody. Besides, there are plenty of idiots out there much more suited to the role than you."

"Like who?" asked the talking Toaster.

"Fine, fine," grumbled Jacob, taking off his shirt and going to sit in a chair. "Guess I'll just stick with my old gig."

"Lovely," said Rosalie, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"So," the Toaster asked, "you were saying something about murders you've committed?"

"Right, so I'm totally getting us an army," said Rosalie, "just in case you two don't manage to do your job right."

"Oh, I see," said Jacob, " so you're not actually killing those people in Seattle, just turning them into vampires."

"No, I'm totally eating the people from Seattle," said Rosalie. "The army of newborn vampires is made up off all the _twilight _fans at Sporks High School. I just put up a flyer in the hallway, and the next day I had about a hundred teenage girls begging me to vamp them."

"Nice," said the toaster. "So what did you do with this army?"

"They're in our basement right now," said Rosalie. "I put that Victoria chick in charge of watching them."

"Woah, Victoria?" said the Toaster. "Wait, which one is she again?"

"Oh, she's that one vampire from the first book whose really only notable feature is that she has red hair. She's supposed to be the villain for this book, but she was doing a crappy job of it, so I fired her and took over myself. Now she gets to play babysitter," said Rosalie.

"Can you do that?" asked Jacob.

"Who cares?" said Rosalie. "I did, and that's all that really matters."

"So C.A.K.E. Society now consists of two angry female vampires, a furry, an army of twilight fangirls that are now sparkly vampires, and a talking toaster," said the Toaster. "Excellent."

"So what's our next plan?" asked Jacob.

"I vote we use the girl to get to him," said the Toaster. "Just give her an STD, and things will take care of themselves."

"No way," said Jacob. "The girl's mine."

"Oh," the toaster paused. "You wouldn't happen to have an STD, do you?"

Rosalie grabbed Jacob's wrist before he could smash the toaster. "We are not using STD's," she said with a growl. "Come up with a better plan."

"If you're so great, why don't you come up with one yourself?" said the Toaster.

"Fine," Rosalie said. "Here's what we'll do..."

* * *

_Sometimes, I don't even know. This is one of those times. _

_7) There's a crappy spinoff book based on it that I'm too lazy to obtain a copy of. _


	4. Free Candy!

"Hey!" said Edward. "Look what I found!"

He came running into the living room of Chez Cullen carrying a thick stack of slightly yellowed pages. He waved in the air excitedly, and a cloud of dust appeared. Sue, sitting on the couch doing her nails, coughed.

"Have you been looking for that this whole time?" she asked. "You said you were going to the bathroom like an hour ago." Leaving her in the charming company of Alice and Jasper, who were playing checkers. At least, Sue thought they were, but Alice had passed out and Jasper was just staring at the checker board. Sue though she might have seen a checker move on its own, though, so that was something.

"I did go to the bathroom," said Edward. "I had to fix my hair. This just happened to be sitting there."

"What is it?" Sue asked, curiosity overwhelming her annoyance.

Edward dropped the volume on the table (sending up another cloud of dust) and said proudly, "this, my dear, is the script."

"Oooh," said Sue. "You mean that thing we've been more or less ignoring for the entirety of _Three Too Many_?"

"Pretty much," said Edward.

"I wondered where this had gotten to," said Sue, flipping through the coffee-stained pages. "It's been a while since we've used this puppy."

"Yup," said Edward. "Making up your own stuff is so much better. But you know, we kinda said we'd parody _eclipse._"

"Yeah, we should probably get on that," Sue said, as she stopped on a page and began reading. "Oh man, we've skipped so much stuff. Did you know we're supposed to go to Florida next weekend?"

"What!" said Edward, the vampire who sparkles in the sun, tugging the script away from Sue. "That's like the stupidest idea ever! Besides, I'm pretty sure I lost those tickets betting on a horse race. Fricking Alice is a liar." He searched through a few more pages. "Dear god, have you seen how you're supposed to describe your mother? It sounds like you're talking about a two year old instead of the woman who raised you. It's like the Fatty Brigade all over again."

"Meh," said Sue. "Evidently, the readers are a little too distracted by descriptions of your irresistible breath to notice the gaping holes in my character."

"Evidently," said Edward. "Well, while we may not have plane tickets, I did acquire tickets of another kind."

"Ooo!" squealed Sue. "For what?"

"Guess what this weekend is!" said Edward.

"Hmm…" said Sue. And then, abruptly, her face went pale. "Edward Cullen, if you say prom, I'll—"

"Prom!" said Edward, brandishing the tickets in the air.

The front door of the Cullen manor flew open, and Liaf stepped in, a confused look on his face. "Was that Girlie I just saw escaping through the window?"

"That," said Edward, "was my date to prom."

* * *

Despite hating Edward beyond all belief at the current moment, Sue nevertheless opened her window that night and allowed Edward to sneak in. Otherwise, he just tried to break in, and that usually ended with Charlie shooting him. And paying for all those bullets was starting to get costly.

Besides, there really wasn't much to Sue's character besides an infatuation with Edward. If he wasn't there, she'd probably just disappear or something.

After about eight hours of having a man older than her grandfather stare at her defenseless sleeping body, Sue awoke to another depressing rainy Sporks morning. She smiled up at Edward whose eyes, after not blinking for several hours, had taken on a rather glazed, Jasper-like appearance. Sue poked him, and he fell over, slamming his head against her wall. He came back to reality with a start.

"Forty-two!" He barked. Sue gave him a confused look. "Nothing," he said. "Erm, you seem cheerful this morning."

"Why wouldn't I be?" She asked, as lightning flashed outside her window.

"So, you're not still mad at me about the prom thing?" asked Edward.

"Of course not," Sue said sweetly, slipping the stake out from under her pillow.

"I'll go get the car started," Edward said quickly, throwing the window open and jumping out.

"You don't even have a car!" Sue shouted after him. "I'll get you, Edward Cullen!"

Sue's door flew open, revealing Charlie standing there with his gun drawn. "Did I just hear what I think I did?" he asked hopefully.

Sue face-palmed. "Go away, dad."

* * *

A little while later, the carriage was pulling into school, carrying a seething Sue, a livid Liaf, and a whining Edward, who was holding at his arm where Sue had managed to get him with the stake.

"Look," said Liaf, "I don't care what you do to each other. In fact, I'd probably be happier with one, even both of you, dead. But don't you ****ing try it in my carriage, you morons. That's a safety hazard; didn't you idiots learn anything in driving school?"

"What do you care?" Sue asked. "It's not like you'd die even if we managed to get in a car accident, and the only cop in Sporks is Charlie. Who did succeed in shooting my door of its hinges this morning, but that should pretty much be his success quota for the month."

"Yeah, but if I total this thing, I have to deal with Carlisle. And I'd really rather avoid that," said Liaf. "I have enough trouble just doing damage control for you two—and speaking of damage control, look who it is."

They came to a stop, and Liaf began tying the horses to a handicapped parking sign. Sue and Edward cautiously climbed out of the carriage, Edward snapping a black umbrella open over their heads. Their conflict was forgotten as they peered through the rain to see who Liaf was talking about. There was a motorcycle parked next to a white van a few spaces over that struck Sue as familiar, but there was nobody around. She and Edward walked towards the motorcycle to get a closer look.

"Hmm," said Sue. "How odd—"

"Boo!" said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. Both Sue and Edward jumped and shrieked. The Ghost of Tyler Crowley laughed.

"That's great, you should see your faces…"

Edward threw his calculus textbook at the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. He frowned.

"That was not very nice," said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. "Even if I can't feel, I still have feelings."

"No one cares about your feelings," said Edward. "Why are you here?"

"I get lonely sometimes," said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley in a small voice. "And I haven't seen you guys in like forever. In fact, I don't think I had a single appearance in _Taylor Lautner Shirtless. _Sue was all being a zombie and Edward was all in another dimension. I had to haunt the microwave in the teacher's lounge for like four months. Or two years. Something like that. It was really boring."

"Good for you," said Edward. "Why don't you just run along back to your microwave now and leave us alone?"

"But I can't!" said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. "It's a very special time of year, you see."

"What do you mean—no," said Sue. "You're not going to…"

The Ghost of Tyler Crowley turned large, spectral eyes upon her. "Mary Sue Swan," said he. "Will you go to prom with me?"

While Sue was occupied trying to tear out the entrails of a ghost, Edward turned his attention back to the motorcycle. Something about it did seem familiar…

Just as he stepped over to it, Jacob walked out from behind the van and nearly ran into Edward. They blinked at each other in surprise .

"Dang," said Jacob. "I was totally supposed to be standing here threateningly when you guys arrived."

"That probably would have been a bad idea," said Edward. "Heroin's not in the best of moods today."

He cast a look behind him, where Sue was chasing around the Ghost of Tyler Crowley and shouting things like, "I'll kill you!" She looked rather menacing herself, soaked as she was in the rain. Jacob, too, lacked an umbrella, and the water slid down his gleaming abs.

"Oh, um," said Jacob, staring at the homicidal girl. "That's… nice."

"Yeah whatever," said Edward. "Why are you here?"

"I'm totally not a distraction!" said Jacob quickly. A sigh came from behind the van. Edward curiously peered at it, but Jacob stepped to the side, blocking him.

"Do you have a problem?" Edward said, narrowing his eyes.

"Yeah," said Jacob, "but not as many as you." And then he shoved Edward.

Abruptly (and despite the pouring rain) a crowd surrounded them, leaving a ring of empty space at the middle, and began chanting, "Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!"

Edward face-palmed. "God, I hate high school."

"Then why do you keep going, you good-for-nothing geezer?" taunted Jacob, giving Edward another shove.

"The womenz, of course!" said Edward, returning the shove.

"Would you two stop pushing each other like sissies and fight already!" shouted Mike from the crowd.

"I don't want to hear that from you, Newton!" Jacob yelled back. "You'd know all about being a sissy, wouldn't you?"

"Shut up," murmured Mike, disappearing into the crowd in an attempt to salvage some dignity.

"He has a point, my dear dog," said Edward, turning his back to the van and facing Jacob. "Perhaps we should just end this now?"

"Fine by me," said Jacob. "Or… not!" he said, diving out of the way as Victoria emerged from behind the van, stake in hand. It flew at Edward's unprotected back.

At that moment, though, the Ghost of Tyler Crowley ran by, closely followed by Sue. He vanished into the van, and Sue was not able to stop before she, being slightly more solid, ran into it. The vibrations from her impact traveled through the mainframe of the car, miraculously disabling the parking brake, and sending it rolling backwards.

Right into Victoria.

"Oh dear," said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. "I seem to have bad luck with these things."

Victoria said a string of dirty words that would put even Alice to shame. Jacob quietly echoed a few under his breath. Victoria managed to wrench her leg out from under the van, and then limped off into the forest that was conveniently located next to Sporks High.

"Um," said Edward. "What just happened?"

"Is the fight over?" yelled someone in the crowd.

"So," said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. "About prom…"

* * *

_I honestly don't know what's up with that middle section. It just kinda…. happened. I probably should start making outlines for these chapters instead of just writing crack, but I'm too lazy to. _

_On another note, I finally got a chance to revive the Ghost of Tyler Crowley, one of my favorite characters. Killing Tyler Crowley off was probably one of the best choices I've made. _


	5. Schizophrenia, Symbolism, Same Thing

"Mr. Cullen, Miss. Swan," said the principal dryly. "How absolutely rare to see you two down at my office. At least it isn't for truancy, this time."

"Pfft," said Edward, crossing his arms and slouching in the hard chair on the other side of the principal's desk. "School is for sissies like Newton."

"Be that as it may, Mr. Cullen, you still need to show up if you ever intend to get your diploma. And if you don't, as your grades might suggest, then why do you bother to show up at all?"

"Didn't I already explain this?" said Edward, annoyed. "It's teh womenz!"

"Oh, yes, 'teh womenz,'" said the principal, giving Edward a Look over the top of his glasses. "I still don't know how you managed to escape conviction for the murders of your last three girlfriends, but might I say, it was refreshing to see a girl trying to kill you."

They glared at each other.

The principal cut off their contest, turning instead to Sue. "Now, Miss Swan, tell me, how long has it been since you last took your medication?"

"Um, what?" asked Sue, confused.

"For your schizophrenia," the principal explained patiently. "I seem to recall you running around in circles, screaming 'I'll kill you,' which, I'm sure you'd agree, is not normal behavior."

"Tyler Crowley," Sue muttered under her breath.

"Prom?" said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley hopefully, appearing between Sue and Edward. Sue screamed and fell backwards out of her chair.

"Miss Swan!" said the principal, outraged. "Please, control yourself!"

"No! Never!" said Sue, to the Ghost of Tyler Crowley.

"**** off," said Edward, to the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. The ghost that is invisible to normal people.

"That is the last straw!" bellowed the principal. "Both of you, out of here! Stop infecting my school with your lunacy!"

Edward blinked at the principal, and then shrugged. "Works for me." He grabbed Sue's arm and pulled her to her feet. "Come on, Heroin, let's get out of here."

"But… but… " said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley as they left. He sighed to himself. "Guess its back to the microwave for me."

* * *

"So," Edward said, absent-mindedly twirling a pencil. The carriage was half-way to Sue's house. "What do you do if you've already killed your stalker?"

"Edward," said Sue through gritted teeth. "Drop it."

"Why?" said Edward, with an innocent flutter of his long, glittery lashes. "I think it's sweet that Tyler Crowley wants to take you to prom. And just think, it won't even matter that you're a terrible dancer, because he has no feet for you to step on!"

Sue elbowed him right in the sparkly ribs.

"Ooof!" wheezed Edward, "My sparkly ribs."

"Ah, how I love to see you get put in your place," said Liaf from the driver's seat of the carriage. Edward snarled under his breath.

"I see how it is. Jerks. Anyway," he said, turning to Sue. "It's been a while since I've killed anything, so I'm going to use this suspension to take care of that. I think I'll go to Seattle tomorrow; no one should notice a few extra murders happening there. You'll be fine on your own for a few days, right?"

"Of course," said Sue dismissively.

* * *

So remember that whole thing last chapter about Sue's entire character being based on Edward? And therefore if he's not around, she doesn't exist? Yeah, that was kinda happening right now.

With Edward gone off to feed (or, to be more specific, go play Batman in Seattle. Except this Batman eats the damsel in distress), Sue was left all alone with her woe and misery and angsty music. The day dawned rainy and depressing (like always), Charlie was off making his morning doughnut run, and the only thing Sue had to do that day was work at Mike's place. And, c'mon, Mike?

Plus, to top things off, Edward had set Alice to watching her. Sue closed the blinds on the kitchen window. Alice's staring was getting kind of creepy.

Faced with basically nothing, Sue fell back on her last resort: forcing magnets of the same polarity together. For some reason, she thought thus wasn't a futile waste of two pages. Or perhaps she had developed OCD, and just wanted to get them perfectly lined up.

"Man!" said the refrigerator magnets. "You ain't got no OCD! It's the scitz that's yo problem."

"Huh?" said Sue.

"Forgive him," said the second magnet with a long suffering sigh. "He means your schizophrenia, which clearly is acting up right now."

"Oh," said Sue. "I think I'm going to pass out now."

"Oi, girlie, hold it!" bellowed the first magnet.

"Yes, please tarry a moment," said the second. "You see, we still have to explain our deplorably obvious symbolism to you. After all, that basically what Madam Meyer is doing in her novel."

"Wait, what?" Sue asked. So not only was she hallucinating talking refrigerator magnets, but specifically a talking refrigerator magnet with a British accent.

"We're gunna explain crappy symbolism now!" said the first magnet.

"Oh, okay," said Sue. "Please, proceed."

"Right on, then," said the first magnet. "For purposes of our little farce, I will be Edward-magnet."

"And I'm Jacob-magnet, yo!" said the other.

"You two sure don't seem like Edward and Jacob," said Sue.

"Shut it," said Jacob-magnet.

"Now then, my good lady, you will note that it is neigh impossible to force magnets of the same polarity to associate in the same vicinity," said the Edward-magnet. Sue stared at it blankly.

"Magnets no likey each other!" shouted the Jacob-magnet.

"Ah, I see," said Sue. The Edward-magnet sighed.

"Yes, well anyways, the heart of the matter is, you perchance might want_ to stop trying_," he said. "Do you comprehend?"

"No," said Sue.

"Your boyfriends are never going to get along, you dumb woman!" said Jacob-magnet. "Now stop being stupid and take yo dang medication."

"I'm just kinda gunna go to work now," said Sue, pointing to the door behind her and backing away slowly. After a few steps she turned and ran out.

"Oh dear," said the Edward-magnet. "That's going to turn into quite the conflagration. Well, shall we decide how we are going to make Charlie paranoid today?"

* * *

"Oh, Sue!" said Mike's mom, looking up as she entered. "I meant to call. We don't need you to work today. Mike's off at therapy, and I have to go do stereotypical blond girl things, so I'm going to close the shop for today."

"I see," said Sue, dragging her heels. Now she'd actually have to find someway to entertain herself for the rest of the day. She'd probably just end up sitting in the corner waiting for Edward to come back.

"Oh, and would you mind taking these flyers out to the dumpster?" asked Mike's mom. "I might break a nail."

"Yeah, sure," said Sue glumly, taking the flyer and walking back out the side door.

But before she had gone more than a few steps, she made a fatal mistake, and looked down at the flyers in her hands. The text scrawled across the top was innocent enough—it only read "SUPER DUPER OBVIOUS PLOT DEVICE!" But below that, below that! There was a picture of a wolf!

"Hey, lady," said the wolf on the flyer, his sketchy head turning to stare out at Sue. "If you're not going to be a good girl and take you medication, then you might as well go make things even worse and see your furry friend."

"Why?" Sue asked the wolf.

"Because I am a talking wolf and I say so rawr!" snarled the wolf. Sue dropped the flyers and ran for her car.

"Ooooh yeeeeah," said the wolf. "I still got it." And then Mike's Mom stepped out of the door, her spiky heels clicking their way straight towards the flyers. "Oh, hey, no! Friiiick!"

* * *

Sue's car came to a sputtering, smog filled, absolutely terrible for the environment, stop outside Jacob's house. As she climbed out, Jacob's head popped out pf the front door. His face quickly drew into an expression of incredulity. He came sprinting over and drew her into a bear hug.

"Sue!" said he. "I can't believe it! Did you finally dump that Edward loser?"

"Naw," said Sue. "I'm still friendzoning you."

"Oh," said Jacob, dropping her and turning to hide the crushed look on his face. "I should have known. Of course. Well then, how'd you manage to get away from that little parole officer of yours?"

"Don't call him that!" said Sue, punching him in the arm. Which was not very effective.

"Fine, fine," Jacob said, rolling his eyes. "But how did you get permission to come down here?"

"Um... I may have snuck out," Sue admitted. Jacob gave her a dry stare. "Hey! why don't we go to the beach?"

"Sure, sure," said Jacob. They set off.

"So, what have you been up to lately?" Sue asked as they sat down on their log on the beach.

"Um," said Jacob. He made a quick decision that telling her he was spending most of his time plotting to kill her boyfriend was probably a bad idea. "Things," he said. "Wolf... things."

"Right," said Sue. There was an awkward pause. "So, should I start tell you about my relationship with Edward?"

Before Jacob could shout a protest, Sue was blathering away. Several hours later, Jacob was about ready to kill himself.

"... and have I mentioned how _irresistable _his breath is?" Sue said. "'Cause it totally-"

"Look, you know I don't really care, right?" Jacob interrupted finally. Sue gave him a deeply insulted glare.

"I'll have you know-" she began, but was interrupted when a seagull swooped down and jabbed her in the eye. "Son of a-"

"Symbolism!" shouted the seagull. It then flew over the sea and snapped a fish up in its beak. After soaring back to Sue, it dropped the fish in her lap, and yelled "schizophrenia!" And then it was gone.

The fish wriggled in her lap. She screamed.

"Wow," said Jacob. "I don't think I've ever seen a seagull do that."

"Did you-did you hear it?" Sue asked Jacob nervously.

"Hear what?" Jacob asked.

"Nothing," Sue said. "How about we go somewhere else?

"We can go back to my house and get something to eat," suggested Jacob. Sue nodded.

They walked back, and then Jacob began rummaging around his kitchen. Sue selected a poptart from the pantry and walked over to the toaster.

"Oh, my, it's my old master!" said the Toaster. "I haven't seen you for ages!"

This time, Sue did faint.

* * *

_Man, I hope none of you have schizophrenia. As always, I don't mean to offend, and in this case, I'm more poking fun at Meyer's story than the disorder. _

_ …no offense to British people, either. _

_ Now then, to continue my list:_

_ 8) Way, way, too much obvious symbolism. _


	6. Why Today Will Suck For Edward

"Seriously man?" said Jacob, staring down at Sue's unconscious body. "Did you really have to do that?"

"Hey," said the toaster defensively. "I lived in her head for like two months. Or a year. Or something. You'd think she'd be used to me by now."

"Yeah, but you weren't a toaster then," said Jacob.

"Oh true," said the toaster. "True, but I'm pretty sure a talking toaster is just as bad as a voice in your head."

"So not having this argument," said Jacob. "Besides, why are you talking at all? You know if she gets one whiff that we're in CAKE Society she'll go running to her vamp. And then he would get all angry and do that hissing thing. And no one wants that."

"Pfft," said the Toaster, "like she's really smart enough to figure that out. But, anyways, that reminds me of the whole reason why I came here."

"How did you manage to get here, anyways?" Jacob asked, eying the Toaster. The Toaster ignored him.

"Rosalie is calling another meeting of CAKE Society. She thinks it's time we made another attempt on Edward."

"Hmm," Jacob said looking down at Sue. "Maybe I'll come bearing a gift."

* * *

**CAKE HEADQUARTERS**

Rosalie stood with her back to the large, black doors to the conference room, watching the rain run down the glass in a thousand streams. She turned as they came in, eyes flashing like the lightning outside, preparing to make some dramatic remark, but she stopped at the sight of what Jacob was carrying. Her hand came up to cover her face.

"For the love of god," she said, slowly and carefully. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Surprise!" said Jacob, depositing Sue's unconscious body in a chair. Behind him, a newborn vampire walked into the room carrying the Toaster. She was young and dark-haired, and did not look at all happy with her job. She set the Toaster down on the counter next to a microwave.

"You," said Rosalie, voice still deceptively calm, "are the biggest idiots ever."

"Thank you," said the Toaster. "So I was totally thinking we could booby trap her."

"I already told you," Rosalie said with a snarl. "No STD's!"

"I wasn't suggesting that," said the Toaster in a wounded voice. And then it said more quietly, "even though it was an awesome idea." Rosalie glared at it.

"C'mon," said Jacob. "We finally got her away from Edward. Surely there's got to be something we can do."

"Like herpes," muttered the toaster.

Rosalie shot it another glare. "Perhaps there is some use for her. Anything has got to be better than our last plan." She directed her glare to Victoria, who was sitting sulkily at the table, her full length cast propped in a second chair.

"It wasn't my fault," said Victoria in a remarkably whiny voice. Rosalie turned to Jacob.

"It wasn't my fault either!" he protested. "I was doing an awesome job of distracting Edward. I even went and rented a white van. If anything, it was her fault." He gestured to Sue, slumped in her chair. "Her and that fricking obnoxious ghost that's always following her around like a loser."

"That's not very nice," said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley, emerging from the microwave. "For that matter, plotting to kill someone is not very nice either."

For a minute, the assembled members of CAKE Society simply stared at the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. Then Rosalie calmly turned her head to the side and screamed.

"Hmm, she's really out cold," mused the Ghost of Tyler Crowley, poking Sue with a pearly finger. "What did you do to her?"

"Hit her in the head with a brick," Jacob said absently. "Hey, Rosalie, where did you get this microwave?"

Rosalie stopped panting "morons, so—many—morons," and looked up a Jacob. "I just picked it up used. It was cheap, and the only one who's going to be using it is you," she said.

"I think this may have been the school's teacher's lounge microwave," said Jacob.

"Yes, you are quite correct," said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley happily. "It is also my home!"

"This is just lovely," said Rosalie. "Lovely. Is there any other lunatic that wants to come turn my plans into a joke?"

"Hey everyone!" said Alice, poking her head into the room. Jasper followed behind her. "Is Sue here? I'm supposed to be watching her."

Caught in Rosalie's grip, the table was steadily reducing itself to powder.

"Ah, there she is," exclaimed Alice, skipping over to sit next to Sue. Jasper edged into the room, and the door fell shut.

"Hello, Alice!" said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley.

"Hello, Tyler," said Alice. She poked Sue. "So, uh, what's wrong with her?"

Rosalie looked at Jacob, and he shrugged. She rubbed her temples. "Nothing, Alice. We're just… uh… playing a game. Yes, a game. You like games, don't you?"

"Uh-huh!" said Alice, vigorously nodding. "Can I play?"

"Yes, of course. We're playing, um, hiding and seek. Tag. How would you like to go tag Edward for us?" Rosalie said, making her voice sweet. The overall effect was rather disturbing.

"I'd love to!" said Alice.

"Excellent," said Rosalie. She reached beneath the table, and pulled out a thick, sharpened stake. "All you have to do is tag Edward by driving this into his heart and you'll win."

Alice skipped over and took the stake from Rosalie. "Huh," she said, "this looks kinda like a stake."

"No, of course not," said Rosalie soothingly. Ish. "It just looks like one. It's a toy."

"Oh, okay!" said Alice brightly. "See ya later!" she pranced out of the room. Jasper gave them all one last look, and then followed behind.

They all watched the door fall closed. "So…" said Jacob. "Do you think that'll actually work?"

"Not a chance," said Rosalie. "But it got rid of them, and should be good for a laugh or two. Besides, this won't be the first time Alice has tried to kill one of us during her 'games.'"

"I see," said Jacob. "So, anyways, we were trying to come up with an actual plan?"

"Right," said Rosalie. "Well, first off, we're going to do something about that ghost so he can't interfere this time."

"I didn't mean to," said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley sadly. Everyone ignored him.

"And then," continued Rosalie, "I think I know what we can do with her." She stood up and walked over to Sue. "Help me take her down to the laboratory."

Jacob took Sue's feet, and their procession marched through the doors, leaving Victoria, the Toaster, and the Ghost of Tyler Crowley behind.

"So—" said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley.

"Shut up," said the Toaster. The Ghost of Tyler Crowley fell silent, and floated over to the corner. There he sat down, and drew his knees to his chest.

* * *

Jacob sat in a chair at his kitchen table, drinking a soda and waiting for Sue to wake up. Rosalie, after she had finished her work, had insisted Jacob bring her back there and make her believe that nothing had happened. Soon, Jacob knew, that pretty-boy vampire would be gone and Sue would be all his, but until then, Sue was considered an enemy, and it wouldn't do for an enemy to know what they were planning.

A groan came from his couch, and he hurried into the living room, where Sue was sitting up and rubbing at her head. "What happened?" she asked blearily. "It feels like I got hit in the head with a brick."

"You fainted," said Jacob. "And, uh, hit your head on the table." Hopefully she would buy that explanation for the rather large bump on her head.

"Oh, wow, sorry to faint on you like that, it's just..." Sue paused. Evidently she though better of finishing her sentence. "How long has it been?" She asked instead.

"A few hours, I think," said Jacob.

"Oh, shoot, really?" Sue looked at his clock and gasped. "Oh man, Edward is going to kill me," she groaned.

"You could just not go back," Jacob suggested.

Sue chuckled a little. "Sorry, Jacob, you're sweet and almost perfect and have gorgeous abs, but really, you're like a brother to me. My love is for my vaguely abusive vampire boyfriend."

"Man, it sucks to be a guy," Jacob muttered. "Are you sure you can't stay?" he asked louder. "I mean, I was going to tell you all this stuff about Sam."

"Who's Sam?" Sue asked.

"Oh, that's right," said Jacob. "You were unconscious for most of that time. And then you tried to kill yourself."

"That was so not a suicide and you know it," said Sue indignantly.

"Yeah, yeah, sure," said Jacob. "Anyway, the Sam stuff was not half as important as the imprinting stuff. That should be important in the next book or something."

"What's imprinting?" asked Sue.

"Pretty much an excuse to spend 'quality time' with little girls," said Jacob. He smiled. "I look forward to meeting your daughter!" And then he kicked Sue out of his house.

* * *

_Alice probably poked Jasper a few times with that stake while they were looking for Edward. _


	7. Assault, Amoung Other Things

Sue grumbled a bit as she climbed in her truck and drove out of werewolf central. As she neared the border, though, she slowed and began to cautiously focus on the road ahead of her. As she came into sight of the border, she saw them standing off to one side of the road. Liaf had pulled the carriage over to one side, and Edward had gotten out and was arguing with what seemed to be Jacob's two minions. Sue thought that she should probably learn their names soon. But then she noticed they were both shirtless, and just about crashed into a tree due to the distraction of wolf-boy abs.

She jerked her attention back to the road, and slowed down so the noise of her car was less noticeable. As she sneaked past them, snippets of their argument reached her.

"Look, I'm just going to go in there and retrieve what's mine, alright?" Edward said through gritted teeth. "I'll be gone before you know it."

"No can do, pasty man," retorted one of the minions. "She belongs to the boss now."

"Dude, I thought Sam was the boss," said the other.

"Pfft. For now, maybe. But Jacob won't take that kinda crap for long. I mean, after all, he is a," the minion leaned in conspiratorially and stage-whispered, "a _main character_."

"So am I!" Edward protested. The minions ignored him.

"You have a point, man," a minion said nervously. "Jacob could overthrow Sam any day now. Oh man. This is going to cause _pack drama._"

The other nodded. "Yup just you wait. And I'll bet Leah—"

"Look, if you two are just going to gossip, I'm going through," said Edward. He attempted to step forward, but ran smack into two heavily muscled wolf-boy chests.

"Where do you think you're going?" One said menacingly. "It looks like our little friend here didn't get our message."

"Seems we'll have to _hand-deliver_ it," said the other.

The last glimpse Sue caught as she drove out of sight was of Edward facing two huge wolves.

* * *

"Why hello there generic friend girl who I pretty much ignore unless I need an excuse, how are you!" Sue said brightly, standing on Angela's doorstep.

"Hello there Sue!" Angela replied just as brightly. "I was just doing generic friend things! Would you like to waste three pages with me before you can get back to your vastly important love life?"

"That sounds lovely!" Sue said. And then they _did. _

* * *

Sue drove home slowly. Her mind was still abuzz from the wonderfully generic bonding experience with the oh-so-thrilling character Angela, who gets discarded most of the time because she's not in the sparkly vampire club. But though her thoughts were cheery, her stomach was already full of dread.

The carriage was not hitched outside, but her lawn was covered in hoof prints, and her side gate was open. From her backyard, Sue heard a whiny followed by a curse. She pulled into the driveway and then left her car with a longing backwards glance. She trudged up the steps to her house.

"Hey Char—er, dad, I'm home!" she called. A grunt came from the living room in reply. She could barely hear it over the sounds of a football game.

"So, how was your day?" Sue asked him, ambling into the living room.

"Fine," Charlie said. Gruffly.

"That's good," Sue said, and then headed for the stairs leading to her room. Whatever waited for her there had to be better than talking to Charlie.

As she knew she would, she opened her door to find him standing there, unblinkingly staring at her.

"Um, so," Sue began.

"Handcuffs!" Edward screamed, lunging at her.

Sue just barely managed to dive out of the way. Edward sailed right into her door, making an impressive thud. Charlie made a snorting noise down below.

"Are you insane?" Sue nearly screamed.

"Probably," said Edward, standing up and rubbing at his nose with his free hand.

"And are those Charlie's handcuffs?" Sue asked.

"Also probably," said Edward. "Did you seriously have to move? I could have broken my perfect nose."

"I'm pretty sure your head is harder than my door," Sue said. "And like I was really going to let you handcuff me. Do you remember how long it took for me to get free last time?"

"I have an easy solution for that," Edward said. "You don't get free this time."

Sue crossed her arms. "All I want is for you to leave me alone with a guy who's obviously way into me and who also hates you. Why are you being so unreasonable?"

"You're both idiots!" Liaf shouted from Sue's backyard. She glared at her open window.

"Can't we just agree to scheme behind each other's backs and have make-up sex now?" Edward asked Sue, making puppy dog eyes.

"I can still hear you!" yelled Liaf. Sue walked over to her window and slammed it shut.

"So…" said Edward.

"No," said Sue. "However, we can have a make-out session."

Edward shrugged. "Take what you can get." He walked over to Sue, and drew her hand to his lips. He kissed each finger, and then flipped her arm over, exposing her wrist. He drew it to his mouth, and then Sue felt the barest prick from one of his fangs. A single red drop of her blood beaded on wrist, and Edward's pale tongue flicked out to lick it…

And then Edward screamed, fell to the floor, and began writhing.

"Edward!" Sue said frantically. "Edward? What's wrong?"

Downstairs, Charlie grunted.

After a moment, Edward calmed down and his screams became gasps. He looked up at Sue with wide eyes. "How the **** did you manage to get holy water in your veins?"

"What?" Sue asked, taken aback. "I don't have holy water in my veins."

"Oh, okay," said Edward sarcastically. "I was totally just making that whole attack thing up. Are you trying to kill me or something? If I had gone straight for your neck, I probably would have died. I know you're upset about this whole Jacob thing, but—"

"I really don't know how holy water could have gotten into my veins," Sue protested.

"Hmm," said Edward. "Maybe someone else did it?"

"Like somebody would really be trying to kill you," said Sue.

Sue's window flew open. She turned to it, about to yell at Liaf, but instead, Alice burst through, and jammed a stake into Edward's heart.

"Tag!" Alice shouted happily.

"Um," Sue said.

Edward fainted.

"Alice," Sue said, a little too patiently. "What in god's name do you think you're doing?"

"Playing tag," Alice said in a singsong voice. "Edward's it now!" And then Alice giggled and jumped out the window. Her laughter faded as she ran off into the distance. Sue stared after her.

Liaf climbed up to the window, and dropped into Sue's room. "Man, good thing Edward installed webcams in your room. I'm going to want to watch that again… and again… and again…"

"Um," Sue said, just a little panicky, "shouldn't you do something to help him?"

Liaf looked down at Edward's prone form, still with a stake through his chest. "Naw. Pretty-boy'll be fine in a few minutes. He's had worse before."

"The… pain…." Edward muttered, his eyes still closed. "Horrible… searing… pain…"

"However, Girlie, I think recent evidence points to the fact that someone is, in fact trying to kill Edward. Imagine that," said Liaf. "It's not like he's ever done anything offensive."

"Exactly," said Sue, "just like this parody."

"What?"

"Nothing," said Sue. "But, yeah, what are we going to do?"

"Well, first," said Liaf, "Pretty-boy and I are going to go get something to eat. He got all panicky when you dropped off of Alice's radar, and we didn't get to finish our meal. And you should have seen this girl… anyways, we'll need to go take care of that. Unless you'll let us have that Mike kid?" Liaf asked hopefully.

"No," said Sue with a glare.

"Fine, fine," said Liaf with a sigh. "Anyways, that means we're going to Seattle next weekend. And I'd rather not have the trip cut short this time. Can I trust you to behave yourself?"

"Yes," Sue said, crossing her fingers behind her back.

Liaf rolled his eyes. "Right. Well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Anyway, I'm going to go take him to Carlisle. Maybe then he'll consider putting Alice down."

And then Liaf tossed Edward out the window, following close behind himself.

* * *

Sue skipped down the hallways, whistling to herself. Today was Friday, which meant Edward would be leaving shortly after school, and that meant that she would be able to go flirt with Jacob. Which Edward was totally cool with. Totally, absolutely—

"Kidnapping time!" yelled Alice, jumping out from a nearby locker and shoving a pillow case over Sue's head. No one spared them a second glance.

"Alice!" Sue shouted, her voice muffled by the pillow case, "What do you think you're doing?"

"Kidnapping you!" said Alice happily, tossing Sue over her shoulder and heading for the parking lot.

* * *

_Kidnapping: because he cares. _

_ Oh! Also! Random side note! I think this is really cool and I don't know if you will but I'm telling you anyways. Eloday is making a French translation of _Insert Fail Symbolism Here! _The prologue is posted on her profile, so all you French speakers can check it out. Or you non-French speakers can just stare at it. Whatever works. _


	8. Let Me Tell You A Tale

"Alice," Carlisle said, exasperated. "Next time Edward—or anyone, for that matter—asks you for a favor, for the love of god, tell me before you doing anything."

"'Kay!" said Alice, looking over to where her brand-new yellow Porsche had wrapped itself around a tree. "I think that's going to explode," she chirped.

Carlisle looked at it. To his credit, his voice only sounded a little strained as he said, "Yes, I think you're right. Help me load her into the car. Quickly, please."

Carlisle picked up one of the stretcher, and Alice took the other. An oxygen mask was strapped over Sue's face, the pillow case that had been suffocating her was tossed off to the side. They loaded it into the back seat of Carlisle's black car, and then Carlisle drove them back to the Cullen manor. A explosion echoed behind them. Alice was whistling.

"So, out of curiosity," Carlisle asked Alice, "why exactly did Edward ask you to kidnap Sue anyways?"

"Oh, he's going hunting this weekend," said Alice. "And Sue apparently was offended when he said that she wasn't allowed to go make out with Wolf-Abs and got all stubborn. So he just pretended to agree with her and then had me kidnap her! To, you know, keep her safe."

"Pfft," said Carlisle. "You know, I've never had trouble with women."

"But," Alice paused, "aren't you gay?"

"Exactly," said Carlisle, "Ah, here we are!"

They pulled up at Chez Cullen. Esme came over and helped Carlisle unload the stretcher. Alice clapped her hands. "This is going to be the best sleep over ever!"

* * *

**MEANWHILE, AT CAKE SOCIETY HEADQUARTERS**

"Look, just shut up already," said the Toaster. "You're wrong. Just. Plain. Wrong. And stupid."

"That was uncalled for," protested the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. "Personal insults have no place in a civil discussion…"

"You shut up or I'll show you where you can stick your microwave," growled the Toaster.

"Look, all I'm saying is that microwaves are so much roomier. Plus, they can cook so many more things…" said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley

"No, just no. Shut up," said the Toaster. "No one likes you and your smelly microwave with all its stupid buttons, ghost-boy. Let's consider for a moment all the win things you can make with a toaster. Like toast. Which is awesome. To make TOAST, you use a TOASTer. Stupid microwaves don't give you that delicious crunch, they just make your food all soggy. And how about Eggo waffles? You don't see no microwaves in those commercials, only good old fashioned toasters. And don't even get me _started_ on Poptarts."

"Wow," said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. "You're really passionate about this, aren't you?"

"You better believe it," growled the Toaster. "Why, I-"

A broken stress ball shot through the air and slammed into the toaster, making a tremendous clang and leaving a dent behind. The toaster tipped over, making a thud.

"Ow…" said the toaster, slightly dazed.

"Do you mind?" said Rosalie, a little too calmly, lowering her arm. "We are trying to have a meeting here."

Jacob gave a low whistle.

"Oh, my most sincere apologies, Ms. Rosalie," said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley genially. "We were just debating the virtues of various kitchen appliances, and that rude little toaster there was insinuating that—"

Rosalie threw a ball made from Jacob's discarded shirt at the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. It passed right threw him and landed on top of his microwave.

"That was not necessary…" the Ghost of Tyler Crowley began to say. Rosalie glared at him. "I'll just be going now," he squeaked, vanishing into the nearest wall.

"Now then," said Rosalie, sounding exasperated, "I believe we are finally ready to begin this meeting. Jacob?"

"Well, Lady Vamp, it seems your plans aren't as great as you thought. Or Edward just has the devil's luck. He managed to catch the holy water we had put into Sue's veins before it could do critical damage, and I image being in Sue's body has probably tainted it enough by now so that its effect is neutralized. And Alice did manage to do impressive damage to Edward, but he was only out of commission for a few days."

Rosalie buried her face in her hands. "So, basically, we're back where we started. Again."

"Yup, pretty much," said Jacob.

"I think we are going to have to end up using the army after all," said Rosalie with a sigh. "It should not be this hard to kill one pretty-boy vampire."

Jacob shrugged. "They say luck comes with stupidity. So do I get to meet this army?"

"Yes," Rosalie said. "I should probably introduce you to them as a commander. Besides I think they're getting kind of annoyed being trapped in that basement. Victoria certainly is getting annoyed with them."

"Alright, cool," said Jacob. "I'll just—"

Jacob's cellphone went off (his ring tone was that "I'm Too Sexy" song). Rosalie raised an eyebrow at him. He shrugged, and then picked up.

"Sue!" he said, a note of surprise in his voice. "Er, what did you… oh, he did what?... Alice actually… oh I can't believe the nerve of him… Look, just let me kill them all… but… I mean… oh, alright. Fine. Fine. See you later then. Bye."

"Problems?" Rosalie asked.

"Yeah," grumbled Jacob. "Sue's at your house right now."

Rosalie's second eyebrow joined the first.

"Evidently Edward decided women's rights are unimportant, and decided to kidnap his girlfriend. Because women can't be trusted to make their own decisions."

Rosalie snarled. "I can't wait until we kill that *******. But this is unfortunate. If we could win over the girl, then we might have a chance of him killing himself."

"Hmmm," Jacob narrowed his eyes. "Things aren't necessarily over yet."

"It seems you have a plan," said Rosalie.

"I might," said Jacob. "I'll go make my arrangements. What are you going to do?"

"First," said Rosalie, "I am going to go issue some orders to our army. Then, I am going to go ingrate myself with the enemy."

"Oh fun," said Jacob.

* * *

Sue sat sulkily on the couch on Edward's room, glaring at generally everything, which included a super fancy bed that they had gone through all the trouble to buy just for her, Alice, a lamp, and some Italian food. Also, her toenails, which Alice had kind of painted. Emphasis on "kind of."

"Isn't this so fun!" Alice said, clapping her hands. Sue glared at her. "Oh, and look at the time!" Alice said. "We were having so much fun together that I didn't even notice how late it's gotten! I'll just leave now, so you can get some rest."

Sue glared her out of the room. Alice seemed not to notice. After the door shut, Sue stood up, and walked over to the door to turn the light off, but before she could get there, a knock came at the door. Sue quickly darted back over to the couch, and picked up a pillow. As the door swung open, she hurled it.

"Take that, Alice!" Sue crowed triumphantly, just as the pillow fell to the floor, revealing Rosalie. Sue paled a little.

"Uh… hi there, Rosalie," Sue said nervously.

Rosalie was smiling, which kind of made Sue think she was about to die. Instead, though, Rosalie swept in and took a seat on the couch. "Good evening, Sue," she said through gritted teeth. "I was wondering if you had time to talk."

"Er, sure, Rosalie!" Sue squeaked.

"Excellent," Rosalie said, knitting her fingers together. "I'm here to tell you my life's story, as we Cullens seem so prone to doing."

"Oh, lovely," said Sue.

"So yeah, I was from this really rich family and it was pretty awesome and I was fricking beautiful, and apparently shallow, judging by the fact that I call myself shallow about twenty times in this one little section. But yeah, then this guy was all like, 'you're eighteen aren't going to get married already? I'm filthy rich!' Then he made this really creepy rape face and I was like 'hell no, you creeper! Taste women's rights!' And I punched him in the face. And maybe stabbed him. Forty-two times. In the back. So that didn't go over too well in court, and I got the death penalty. It was pretty cool, I got a firing squad and everything. But then Edward was at the execution and was like, 'Hot chick alert!' and got Carlisle to vamp me. After the excruciating three days of pain that no one really seems to remember when they say they want to become a sparkly vampire, I was kinda happy to be alive, but I was also ticked off, and so I tried to kill Edward. Which is much harder than it should be. I was ultimately unsuccessful, but then I went and vamp'd Emmett to make Edward jealous. Which succeeded, incidentally. And Emmett ended up breaking like three of Edward's ribs. Anyways, since then I've been living like this, with the rest of these lunatics. This kind of explains why I'm opposed to you becoming a vampire. Something about a woman letting a man, particularly Edward, control the rest of her life just rubs me the wrong way.

"Um," Sue said, "is that really your backstory?"

"No, actually," Rosalie said. "Have you seen that crap in the script? With the sole exception of Alice, who also cares about shoes and parties, every female in this serious is focused on settling down and having kids. And I refuse to be a part of that nonsense. Babies are good for one thing, and one thing only. And that's eating. Specifically, me eating them. So we're friends now, right?" Rosalie turned her intense red eyes on Sue.

"Uh, yeah…" Sue said.

"Perfect," said Rosalie, clapping Sue on the back. "Now, I think, it is time for you to get some rest." She stood up and walked over to the door, flicking the lights off in the process. Her eyes shone crimson in the night. "Sweet dreams, dearest Sue."

* * *

_Limerick time!

* * *

_

_There once was a girl called Mary Sue_

_Sparkly vampires made her drool_

_Then Edward ran away_

_Now Jacob's here to stay_

_Poor Sue doesn't know what to do!

* * *

_

_Limeriffic. The idea for the Toaster/Ghost of Tyler Crowley scene comes courtesy of UNDERLANDERfromtheOVERLAND. _


	9. Cooking Up Some Trouble

Sue was just managing to settle back down to try and sleep when a rock crashed through the window and thwacked her on the head. Her vision wavered for a moment, but she had managed a sitting position by the time Jacob climbed in through the now-broken window.

"Just what do you think you're doing?" Sue sputtered.

"Right now?" Jacob said. "A victory dance."

Sue made a mental note never to do anything with Jacob that involved dancing. And on top of that terrible spasming he called dancing, he was grinning like an idiot. "Dude, you are so breaking the treaty," she said. "This is Edward's_ bedroom._"

"Oh, is it really?" Jacob asked, halting his dance to peer around the room. "Good thing I decided to break the window."

"Would you quit changing the subject and just explain to me what you're doing here?" Sue said.

"Oh, that's easy," Jacob said, walking over to the bed. "Kidnapping you." He grabbed the mattress and flung it out the window.

"Wha—" Sue managed to get out before Jacob was suddenly in front of her. He picked her up and effortlessly slung her over his shoulder. And then he launched himself out the window.

"Wow," Jacob said casually as they landed on the mattress down below, "I didn't know you knew that many obscenities.

"I ****ing hate being kidnapped," Sue said, managing to cross her arms while still dangling from Jacob's grasp.

"Maybe if you'd stop being such a whiny little girl who doesn't even realize her ego is approaching the size of Russia all the time, people might consider you responsible enough to let you make your own decisions. Or maybe you should just stop letting men control your life. One of the two," said Jacob.

"I hate you too," Sue said, pouting, as Jacob set her down.

Jacob took off his shirt.

"Okay never mind," Sue said.

"That's what I thought," Jacob said, smirking in a self-satisfied way. "Now how would you like to ride my bike?"

* * *

Now that they were safely in wolfy territory, Jacob let out a laugh as they speed back to his house. Not that vampire territory had really been all that dangerous. Sue was kinda surprised that none of the Cullens had heard the roar of the motorcycle flaring to life… or the rock breaking through the window… or the many naughty words she had screamed… but then Sue remembered that these were the Cullens she was talking about, and so it kinda made sense.

They pulled up to Jacob's house, and Sue saw Billy give Jacob a thumbs up through the front window before the curtains fell closed again. She shook her head. Billy had the wrong idea. Obviously, it was super clear that she and Jacob were just friends. She totally wasn't leading him on or anything.

"So, you want to go for a long, romantic walk on the beach?" Jacob asked, helping her off the motorcycle.

"Sure!" Sue replied.

So they began walking down the beach, hand in hand. In a friendship kind of way. The stars overhead were bright, their silvery light glittering on the waves. It kinda reminded Sue of Edward. She shivered a little in the chill evening air, and Jacob pulled her closer to rub at her arm. Non-romantically. After all, Sue reasoned, she _was _cold.

"So, uh," Jacob said, his voice squeaking just a little, "pretty night, isn't it?"

"Yup," Sue said. Just like she was talking with a brother.

"Almost as pretty as you," Jacob stammered.

"Thanks, Jake," Sue said lightly. Friends, after all, gave each other compliments.

Jacob sighed. "Yeah, whatever. You wanna hear this awesome bit of foreshadowing—uh, I mean, the latest pack news?"

"Sure!" Sue said brightly.

"Hey, so you remember pervy minion, right?" Jacob said.

"Yeah, what is his name anyways?" Sue asked. "Just so I can Facebook stalk him, you understand."

"Oh, yeah, Quil, whatever, not important," said Jacob. "What is important is that he totally went and imprinted on a two year old!"

"What?" Sue said.

"I know, awesome right?" Jacob said, and then he looked at Sue's face a little closer. "Oh, wait, that wasn't a good what, huh?" And then he looked at Sue's face even closer. "Oh. Oh. You're _judging_, aren't you?"

"Uh, kinda," Sue said.

"Well, don't," Jacob said. "It's not creepy. It's _destiny_."

"Yeah sure," Sue said. "All I know is that if I was that child's mother, pervy wolf-boy would be losing some teeth."

"Um," Jacob said. "Let's talk about something else."

"How about me!" Sue suggested.

"'Kay," said Jacob. "so when do you intend to get over this complex thing you've got going and pick which guy you want to be with already?"

"No!" Sue whined. "Talk about... other me-stuff. Yeah."

"Yeah, well, you might notice there's really not all that much to your character, and I actually want to have a conversation here," Jacob said. "So answer the question."

"You know I love Edward," Sue hedged.

Jacob rolled his eyes. "You suck at this game."

"But you see, there are different kinds of love…" Sue said.

"What is this crap?" Jacob said.

"So I love you too," Sue finished.

"That is the worst answer ever," said Jacob. "And quit skipping ahead in the story. Besides, what the **** does it matter that you have feelings for me too? Unless Meyer is trying to glorify affairs here—or polygamy, I suppose—you still have to pick one of us."

"Really?" Sue said, making big puppy dog eyes. Jacob kicked sand at her.

"Don't be stupid. Of course you do. This isn't some kind of sissy fairy tale, where everything works out in the end, everyone is happy, and no one has their heart broken. That would be the most unrealistic, fluffy ending ever. I swear, if that ever were to happen, I would kill myself, and whatever sparkly child happens to be near me," said Jacob.

"Okay, well, you suck," said Sue. "Just you wait, I'm going to get my glitter covered happy ending, even if I have to give the entire population of teenage girls impossible expectations in the process. I just have to get Edward to vamp me."

"Yeah, about that," Jacob said. "_Seriously_?"

"Yes, you jerk," Sue said. "I mean, come on, have you seen how beautiful Rosalie is?"

"Hell yes," said Jacob.

Sue glared at him. "That was rhetorical. But anyways, I want to be as beautiful as her. Except not really, because I'll be more beautiful. Anyways, do you remember what I said about tearing your tail off and feeding it to you if you try to stop me?"

"Yes," said Jacob, "So long as you remember what I said about tearing out vampire jugular if that happens. Specifically, Edward-jugular."

"What do you have against happiness?" Sue said, putting her hands on her hips. They had stopped walking by now, and Sue stood in front of Jacob on the sand, staring him down.

"Nothing," Jacob retorted, crossing his arms. "Sparklegasms, on the other hand…"

Sue smacked him on the arm. It was not very effective. "Whatever, Jacob Black. You just wish you were Edward! Why don't you go die in a fire?"

"You know what else can die in a fire?" Jacob said. "Sparkly vampires."

"Then I guess _I'll_ die. In a fire," Sue said bleakly. And then she ran away.

"What the—" Jacob swore to her retreating back. Then he sighed. "Well. Um… that didn't quite go as planned. Rosalie isn't going to be happy with me…"

* * *

Sue ran all the way back to Jacob's house, not stopping till she had reached his shed. She darted in, found her motorcycle, and then dragged it outside. Without bothering to grab a helmet (brain damage obviously wasn't a big concern at this point), she climbed onto it, kicking it to a start. As she settled into her seat, it began to pour rain, and some really clichéd sad song began to play in the background.

So anyways, after probably the most angsty motorcycle ride ever, Sue arrived back at the Cullen house. She stuck her motorcycle in the garage and then walked up the white steps to the Cullen's perfect white house. Upon noticing that the kitchen was on fire, she walked back out again.

"Hey!" Alice called, rushing out after her. She was wearing a white apron, and carrying a tray of something that was also on fire. "Where are you going? I made cookies!"

* * *

Sue sat with her back to the shed as the fireman attempted to quell the conflagration that had once been the Cullens' perfect sparkly kitchen. It was still raining, which helped. It also caused the Cullens, assembled out on the front lawn, to become thoroughly wet and miserable. Rosalie, rain running in a river through her long blond hair, seemed to be attempting to strangle Alice. Sue drew her knees to her chest and sighed.

"Hey," said Edward softly, suddenly sitting next to her. His hunting trip seemed to have gone well. His eyes were a bright red, and he was munching on a bloody object that looked suspiciously like an arm.

"Hey," Sue said back, just as quietly. They sat there, in the rain and quiet, for a long moment.

"This is probably where something touching should go," said Edward. "But our author is really bad at writing touching stuff."

"Yeah," Sue said, looking at her knees. In the background, flames shot out the kitchen window.

"We could go have sex," Edward suggested.

"I think your bedroom's on fire," Sue said.

"Oh," said Edward.

* * *

_Touching!_


	10. With a Side of Evil

Jacob was sitting in Rosalie's throne, watching the day dawn stormy and grey outside the huge window's of CAKE Society's HQ, when the lady herself burst in through the door. Her appearance was slightly less perfect. In fact—if Jacob wasn't so worried about get smite'd on the spot for saying so—she looked positively rumpled. Her hair was wet and tangled, and she was wearing a hoodie, like a… a… _commoner_.

"Fine morning, isn't it," Jacob said, raising his coffee cup to her in a mock toast. "You look cheerful today." She gave him a look that suggested she would like to tear out his guts and replace them with his coffee cup.

"Alice went and ****ing burned down half the house," Rosalie said in a frigid voice. "Unfortunately, that half included my bedroom. So not only did I get to spend the entire night standing in the rain, but I also don't have any clothes now. And the only one close to my size is Sue." She gestured at the hoodie she was wearing. Jacob could now see it read _I heart Arizona. _"So yes," Rosalie concluded, "I am in fact ready to kill something this morning."

"Ah, violence and poptarts," said the Toaster, "the perfect way to start the day."

"I don't think—" said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley.

"Shut it," said the Toaster.

The Ghost of Tyler Crowley muttered something, but floated over to the corner.

"Out of my chair, wolf," said Rosalie, jerking her thumb over her shoulder. Jacob decided it was best to obey, and scurried over to the Toaster to snag his poptarts before taking his own seat. Victoria came in the room—she was in a walking cast now—and took her seat.

"Alright, we will now begin today's meeting of the Characters Attempting to Kill Edward," Rosalie said. "Let's begin by getting a status update. Jacob?"

He winced. "Um, yeah, about that…"

Rosalie closed her eyes and let out a long sigh. "Would it kill you to do something right? Just once?"

"Uh… um," Jacob said. He took off his shirt. Rosalie stared at him.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

Jacob cursed. "I hoped it would work on you too." Rosalie continued to stare at him. "Er, anyways," he quickly continued, "I did kinda blow that whole convincing Sue to be on our side thing. But it's so not my fault that she's as bipolar as a magnet! I mean, c'mon, one minute she's totally falling for my pick-up lines, and then the next she's all like, 'I'm going to go kill myself now!' What should I have done?"

"You could have killed her," Rosalie said with another sigh. "That probably would have done more good than anything. Alright everyone, listen up. It has come to my attention that, while we have a clearly defined objective, we seem to be distinctly lacking in planning. We have made several attempts on Edward so far, but through what would in other circumstances be very impressive luck, all our attempts have failed. So far, all we've really accomplished is to form a army and spend an incredible amount of money on kitchen appliances ("Woot woot!" said the Toaster. Rosalie glared at it.). What we need is a solid plan, one that will result in Edward's death no matter how lucky he is."

"We've got that stupid army," Victoria said sulkily. "Why don't you use it?"

"And do what with it?" Rosalie asked her contemptuously.

"I think we should have them kill Charlie," Jacob interjected. "Just 'cause we can."

Rosalie threw a paperclip at Jacob's head, and then turned back to Victoria. "what should I do? Should I send them charging into Sporks High to kill Edward?" said Rosalie. "Amusing as that would be, I'd rather not bring the Volturi down on our heads."

"Why not?" asked the Toaster.

"Because the Volturi are dang creepy, that's why," Rosalie said. "If we get caught breaking their laws, then very bad things will happen.

"Very bad things?" Jacob asked.

"_Very bad things_," Rosalie said. "Besides, is our army even ready for combat yet?"

"Um, probably not," Victoria said with a shrug. "I think that they'd probably kill each other if I let them loose. And they could use a little more training. For all Edward's flaws, he sure does know how to beat a woman."

"Perhaps then we should make their training our first priority," Rosalie mused. "We can start giving them little tasks to do to make Edward's life difficult, and then work our way up to an awesome final battle. In the meantime, we can have Jacob keep working at Sue. If nothing else, the conflict he'll manufacture should be enough to drive the plot for two hundred more pages."

"Sweet," said Jacob. "I love causing pointless conflict."

"What do I get to do?" asked the Ghost of Tyler Crowley, emerging from the microwave.

"Alright, Victoria, why don't you take us to see this army?" Rosalie said. Victoria nodded, and all the members of CAKE Society with legs stood up.

"Hey!" barked the Toaster. "Take me with you! Hey! Hey!"

They walked of the room, the Ghost of Tyler Crowley floating along glumly behind them. The Toaster's cries echoed from the conference room as they walked away. Rosalie and Jacob followed Victoria down a long length of futuristically styled hallway, occasional windows showing the rainy woods outside.

"Seriously," Jacob said to Rosalie, "How much did you spend on this place?"

"Probably more of Carlisle's money then I should have," she said with a shrug. "And you haven't even seen the spa yet."

"We have a spa?" Jacob asked incredulously as they arrived at a pair of elevators. Victoria pushed a button, and the doors silently slid open. They stepped inside, and began their descent.

"Hey hey hey wait!" moaned the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. "I'm stuck in the door!"

"But he's a ghost," Jacob said, confused. Rosalie smiled at him.

"Ghost proofing on the doors. You don't want to know how much that cost. Now then, Victoria, is there anything I should know before we meet this army?"

"Well, yeah, so you know they're all _twilight_ fans that we vamped, right?" Victoria said.

"Yes," said Rosalie. "I couldn't think of anyone else who was equally vicious and impressionable."

"Yes, well," Victoria began. They arrived at the basement level, and the elevator doors slid back. They walked out into a hallway with two doors at either end. "Because of that, we've had to separate them."

"Separate them?" Rosalie arched a brow, and then peered at the two doors. One read _Team Jacob _and the other _Team Edward. _ "You're joking," Rosalie said.

"I'm afraid not," said Victoria. "We had three murders in the first two days, and that's when I decided to separate them."

"Sweet!" Jacob, still shirtless, said. He bounded off towards the _Team Jacob _door.

"No wait!" Victoria cried, but she was cut off by a sudden typhoon of squeals. Before anyone could do anything, Jacob was pulled into the room, and the door slammed shut. Rosalie and Victoria blinked at it.

"Oh dear," said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley, having finally managed to untangle himself from the elevator doors. "That can't be good."

"Um," said Victoria. But action was not necessary on their parts, as a few seconds later, the door flew open again, and massive reddish-brown wolf came soaring out, its snout covered in kisses. Victoria leaped over-Rosalie had to give her points for doing that in a cast-and slammed the door shut before any of the terrors could escape.

For a minute, they sat there, in stunned silence. The wolf slowly climbed to its feet and shook itself off. A moment later it morphed into the shirtless form of Jacob Black.

"Holy ****," he gasped out. "My fans are psycho."

"Wait till you see what the Team Edward ones will do to you," said Victoria with a rather unsettling grin. Jacob looked at the door at the other end of the hallway and shivered a little.

Rosalie brought a palm to her face. "Right, well, it seems they'll be vicious enough for our purposes. We just need to get them under control."

"Quick question," said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. Everyone ignored him. "It's really a good question!" he protested, to no avail. He sighed, and decided to ask anyways. "How are you going to get the Team Edward ones to kill Edward?"

Jacob looked at the two female vampires, and shrugged. "It is a good question."

Rosalie shot a withering glare at both of them in turn, sending the Ghost of Tyler Crowley scurrying into a corner. "Obviously," she said, "we won't."

"So, uh," Jacob paused. "What do we do with them?"

"We'll get them to distract the rest of my family," Rosalie said. "Just in case any of them get any foolish ideas about trying to save Edward. And maybe I'll have them kill Alice while they're at it." Rosalie ran a hand through her damp, tangled hair.

"Gotcha," said Jacob. "So the next question is, how do we control those psychopaths?" He nodded towards one of the doors.

"The easiest thing, I think," said Victoria, "would be to make them think that we're on their side."

"Oh, okay, that sounds logical," said Jacob. "We've only abducted them, put them through three excruciating days of absolute torment, and then locked them in a basement with nothing to eat for several months. Of course we're on their side."

"You've been spending too much time with the Toaster," said Rosalie disapprovingly. "You're getting to be sarcastic."

"Rosalie would have to be the one to do it," said Victoria, "since they know me, and you're a little too… polarizing," she said to Jacob. "All she has to do is go in there and gossip a little."

"Easy enough," said Rosalie. "I find people are no match for my charm. They'll be eating out of my hand in no time."

Jacob looked a little skeptical, but nodded. "So you'll take care of the army, and I'll take care of Sue?"

"If I might make a suggestion," said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. Nobody looked at him, but Rosalie began to take forcefully deep breaths. "Jacob might also want to create a distraction so they don't notice the movements of the army. Perhaps by faking some sort of danger to Sue, not only causing Edward to panic, but also requiring that he, Jacob, stays closer to Sue to keep her safe."

Now, everyone stared at the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. "Man," Jacob said finally. "What is with you today?"

The Ghost of Tyler Crowley brightened up. "Does that mean you like my—"

"Go away now," Jacob said. The Ghost of Tyler Crowley, his smile frozen on his face, looked at Jacob, and then floated through the ceiling, his shoulders hunched.

"You're totally going to use his plan now, aren't you?" Rosalie asked.

"Yup," Jacob said.

* * *

_Oh dear, another CAKE chapter. We will return to our regularly scheduled storyline next week. _


	11. Involves Laser Sharks

_Happy late Thanksgiving to those of you here in the good old US of A. To those you not observing this holiday, here's something to celebrate anyways: a super duper double chapter! This actually covers three chapters of _eclipse, _due to the CAKE chapter last time. Enjoy!

* * *

_

Like any sane werewolf, Jacob hated having CAKE meetings at the crack-of-dawn. However, the advantage of them was that, since it ended so easily, he managed to make it to Sue's house before she returned from Chez Cullen. Although, Jacob kinda wondered what she was still doing there, if the house had burned down. Knowing Edward, Jacob didn't want to know.

Accompanying him was a strange little pair: one of the newborn vampires, and the Toaster in her arms. She was young, with dark hair, and she looked perpetually scowly. Victoria had fished her out of the Team Edward side of the basement, deciding she was one of the least hysteric of them. She'd already tried to kill Jacob once, but after a few well chosen threats (most of them suggested by the Toaster—Jacob didn't know what to make of that) she had kept in line. And as for the Toaster, well, it had decided it was bored of poptarts, and so made Jacob take it along on his mission.

The three of them hid in the trees behind Sue's house, and then Jacob turned to the newborn. "You. Sparkle-girl. Go in there and steal some of Sue's stuff."

"You're not the boss of me," she said with a pout. "And my name is Bree."

"Chainsaws," said the Toaster. She jumped and turned even paler.

"Fine," she said, just a little quickly. "What should I steal?"

"Panties," said the Toaster and Jacob simultaneously. She rolled her eyes, but quickly scurried away.

"Ah," said the Toaster. "I'm out of the kitchen, it's a lovely morning, we're going on a good old fashioned panty-raid… how much better can life get?"

"I brought kool-aid," Jacob said.

"Heaven!" exclaimed the Toaster. Jacob sat down on the forest floor and opened the bottle of kool-aid. He poured some into the Toaster (it made slurping noises, and the kool-aid soon disappeared) and then drank from the bottle himself. "So, out of curiosity, why did you send her in, instead of just going on your own? Probably be safer for you. Not that I minded making threats."

"Scent," Jacob said, setting down the kool-aid. "If I went in there, Sue's vamp would smell me. Although it might be amusing for him to try and figure out why I was in Sue's bedroom…. Well, there will be time for that later. For right now, I don't want to blow my secret."

"I see," said the Toaster. Jacob picked up his kool-aid again, and took a drink.

"So, shouldn't you be, like, plugged into something?" Jacob said after a moment.

"Nah," said the Toaster.

"Dude," said Edward.

"Aaaah!" shrieked Jacob and the Toaster at the same time, both jumping into the air. Yes. Both.

"You stalk Sue too?" Edward said, stepping into their little clearing. "Well, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised—stalking _is _all the rage these days—but c'mon, man, this is my spot. Well, this, and in her bedroom."

Jacob stared at Edward, horrified. For more reasons than one now.

"Holy crap, you even brought a toaster?" Edward asked, apparently not noticing Jacob's surprise. Not for the first time, Jacob wondered what Sue saw in his sparkly carcass. "Jeez, man, how long were you planning on being here? And shouldn't that thing be plugged in?"

"For your information—" began the Toaster, but Jacob swiftly kicked it sending it flying into a tree. The Toaster fell to the grassy ground with a dull thud, landing on its side.

Jacob thought he could hear a faint moaning coming from the toaster, but Edward seemed not to have noticed. He was looking at Jacob a little oddly, though.

"Erm, anyways!" Jacob said quickly. "Sorry to have intruded. I'll choose my spot more carefully next time. Bye!"

However, before Jacob had taken more than a few steps towards the fallen Toaster, a shriek rang out through the morning air. Edward's head swung sharply around to the house just visible through the trees. "That was Sue's scream," he said. "I would know it anywhere."

_Why would Sue be screaming? Edward's right here. _And it was about then that Jacob realized the Sparkle-girl hadn't returned from her ultra secret mission. _Son of a—_

Edward went bounding off towards the house. Jacob hesitated a minute, and then charged off right behind him. _Nothing to lose, everything to gain…. _Behind him, the Toaster had recovered enough to yell something about being forgotten… and bears. Jacob wasn't quite sure.

Jacob caught up to Edward right as he went leaping up the tree and diving in Sue's window. Jacob scrambled up after him, but with less grace. Whatever. Grace was for girls.

He nearly puked when he reached her room. Sue was in hysterics—big surprise—and Edward was hugging her, seemingly consoling her. He smirked at Jacob as he swung into the room.

"What happened?" Jacob demanded. He already knew, of course, but appearances and all that.

"T-there was a vampire in my room!" Sue blubbered. "Just a girl, it looked like. She r-ran when I came in!"

"There, there," Edward said to Sue, with another smile for Jacob. Soon. Soon, and he would have vampire jugular for breakfast.

"What was she doing here, if she ran away when she saw you?" Jacob asked.

"I don't know!" Sue wailed. "It looked like she was rummaging through my panty drawer!"

"Hey!" Edward said indignantly. "That's my job!"

Jacob rolled his eyes, and tried to remember why he loved a girl who had enough brain damage to love that vamp. He caught another vamp smell, and turned to the window to see the short, angry carriage driver climb through. The window seemed to be the preferred entrance, despite the fact that Charlie wasn't even home. He was off doing… cop things. Probably at Spork's donut shop. Or wasted in a bar. One of the two.

"You know, girlie, I'm kinda curious why there was a lady going through your undergarments," said Liaf. "Either you have something you're not telling us, or your stalkers are getting more interesting. Speaking of which, why is the wolf here?"

"The name is _Jacob, _midget," Jacob growled.

Liaf picked up Sue's lamp, and was about to do _something _with it, but Sue cried out, "stop this right now!" Liaf and Jacob looked to her. Edward was busy 'assessing the damage' done to Sue's underwear drawer. "After all," she continued, "someone is threatening _me_!"

Liaf sighed and put down the lamp, but he made a rather threatening gesture when Sue turned to Edward.

"Hey Edward," she said. "Want to go make a pointless trip to your house?"

"Sure!" he said, shutting the drawer with a snap. "Let's go!"

Sue climbed onto his back, and then, without another word, he leaped out the window.

"She nearly killed me when I did that," Jacob grumbled, walking over to the window. There was no trace to be seen. He hoped they didn't trip over the Toaster. "So, uh… what just happened?"

Liaf shrugged. "They do this sometimes. We got pages to burn, after all. Now, where were we?"

Liaf picked up the lamp again, while Jacob stood there trying to figure out what exactly was happening. Before Liaf could take more than a few steps towards Jacob, though, Edward and Sue were back, and Liaf hurriedly replaced the lamp.

Sue stepped off of Edward's back, looking distinct disgruntled.

"What did you guys just do?" Jacob asked.

"Sue had this idea that we should go ahead and vamp her now," said Edward. "My family said no. It was really quite pointless, actually." Sue crossed her arms and sat down on her bed, a pout on her face.

"Oh, okay," Jacob said. "So when were you planning on vamping her?"

"They said graduation," said Liaf. "But at the rate the two of them are going, that won't be for several yeas."

"I don't understand why they never listen to me," Sue said. "It makes perfect sense."

"Probably because you're never in any actual danger, love. Except from yourself," Edward said. "It's pretty much all in your head."

"How about that James guy? He was pretty violent," Sue said. "And Victoria? She's pretty much the poster child for you-took-my-boyfriend-I'll-kill-you. Except, you know we actually killed her boyfriend, instead of just stealing him. But still."

"Meh, Victoria couldn't harm a fly," Edward answered. Clearly, the man had never seen the kind of things Victoria wrote in her diary about him.

"Yeah, but…" Sue and Edward continued arguing about pretty much the same thing for the next minutes. Liaf was occupying himself with going through Sue's possessions. Jacob felt his annoyance steadily growing.

"…and what about those crazy rapists?" Sue said. "If I was a vampire, I could have just murdered them then and there."

"If I recall," said Edward, "I pretty much took care of that whole murdering thing on my own."

"How do you guys ever get anything done?" Jacob broke in finally. Sue and Edward looked over at him, surprised.

"They kind of don't," Liaf said. "That's why they're both failing high school—for like the twentieth time, on Edward's part—why they have like five different groups of people who want to kill one or both of them, and why they're both still virgins."

"Liaf!" Sue shrieked.

"You're still here?" Edward asked Jacob.

Jacob sighed. "Well, I thought you were going to start planning, like, a defense or something? From these mysterious vampires that are threatening Sue? Maybe the pack could help."

"A defense!" Edward exclaimed. "Yes, excellent idea. I'll get some of my family on it right away."

"Wait, you mean that never came up at that little meeting you just held? Like, at all?" Jacob said.

"Yeah, pretty much," said Edward. "See, since my house is still pretty much a shambles, Carlisle decided to move us into a mobile home for the time being, and Rosalie was all angry about that. They were in the middle of arguing when Sue and I showed up, so we joined in the fight for a bit and then Sue was like 'vamp me now!' and we were like 'no,' and then we left." Edward nodded sagely, and then pulled out his cell phone. "I'll send a text to Jasper. He'll take care of this."

Jacob vaguely remembered Jasper. Somehow, he didn't think Jasper would be anymore productive than Edward was. Seriously, how had CAKE not managed to kill this guy? They may have been incompetent, but at least they were less incompetent than Edward.

"Now, about the pack," Jacob said, calling Edward's attention back to him. "We are made for hunting vampires, after all. This seems exactly the type of situation that we're here for."

"What are you proposing, mutt?" Edward asked.

"Just a few boundary shifts here and there, and some free rein to go hunt down any strange vamps we smell," Jacob said. He saw Edward begin to nod, hesitantly. "Also," Jacob added, keeping his tone deliberately nonchalant, "maybe just a chance for Sue to come down to the reservation every once in a while, you know, just when you're gone and stuff."

"What!" Edward grabbed Sue's shoulders and pulled her to him. She gave him a look that was part irritation, part adoration. Jacob wanted to slam his head into a wall. "You're not touching my heroin! She's mine, you hear me! Mine!"

"Edward, please, be reasonable," Sue said, "It's perfectly safe for me to hang out with the werewolves, and Jacob knows where the boundaries are, don't you, Jacob?"

Jacob nodded, doing his best not to twitch. Oh, he knew were the boundaries were, all right. He just intended to bury them right along with Edward's corpse.

Edward's eyes darted between Sue and Jacob, his expression slowly changing from filled with dismay to calculating. Jacob didn't like that look. It was full of evil. "Fine," he said finally, "I am an adult after all. I can behave like one. Go and hang out with your friends, Sue dearest." And then he smiled, and Sue was clearly caught up in the radiance of it all, completely ignoring the fact that his eyes were still full of murder. Jacob was pretty sure that was directed at him. Whatever. He could play that game too.

He plastered a fake smile on his own face, and then clapped Edward on the shoulder. "Glad to hear it! Since you're so mature, you won't mind if I take Sue to a little werewolf get-together we're having tonight? She can meet all the other werewolves' lovers."

"That sounds lovely," Edward said through gritted teeth and a smile made of icy marble. "I'll expect her back in perfect condition, of course."

"Of course," Jacob said with a little laugh. The sparks flying between them were nearly visible.

Sue clapped her hands happily. "I'm so glad to see you two are getting along!"

So after a super cool scene involving motorcycles that really serves to neither further the story in any way nor develop the characters at all (pfft. Character development.), besides some angsting on Sue's part, Sue and Edward headed off to the rendezvous point.

"Hey, you know what this reminds me off?" Sue said, as the carriage plodded towards the border. "My parents, handing my off to each other when I was younger."

"Oh, how fascinating," Edward said, staring out the window. "Does this mean you're projecting your daddy issues onto us? Well, I suppose you can't really help it, having Charlie for a father and all. But still, maybe you shouldn't let your boyfriends treat you like a child. Though, for that matter, you shouldn't have boy_friends_ at all. Hmmm," he mused.

The carriage came to a screeching halt. Relatively screeching, considering the average speed of the carriage was like five miles per hour.

"Alright, Girlie, this is you stop," called Liaf. "I can see the mutt from here."

Sue stepped out of the carriage, Edward right behind her. He proceeded to breathe all over her in vaguely childish attempt to make her smell back to the wolves. It was very romantic.

"If he touches you, just tell me, and I'll put his head on spike on our front lawn," Edward said. "Now go have fun!" And then he pushed her over the boundary towards Jacob.

She walked across the stretch of space, Edward watching her go and Jacob watching her come. Finally, she reached his car, and slipped into the passenger seat.

"So, you ready to eat an obscene amount of hot dogs and then hear some awesome symbolic backstory?"

"Sure!" Sue said, and then she laughed.

* * *

"So, now that you've all consumed an obscene amount of hotdogs," said some wolfy elder guy, the one Sue thought was pervy minion's—_Quil's_, she reminded herself—grandpa, "who's ready for some awesome symbolic backstory?"

"Yay!" said all the assembled wolf-boys. The women present looked on interestedly—all except Leah Clearwater, Sue noted, who looked about as friendly and approachable as Rosalie.

"Alrighty then," the old man continued in his reedy voice. "Just give me a moment to make this—er, get my thoughts in order."

They were all silent for a long moment; all was silent but for the flickering flames, crackling into the cool night air. And then he began to speak.

"We are now _shapeshifters_, but we were not always so," he said, seeming to look directly at Sue as he did so. Must just be her imagination. "You hear me? Shapeshifters! And you can take that back to your vamps." He cleared his throat. "Now then, where was I? Oh yes, we were not always so. Once, we were sharks! Sharks with laser beams!"

Around the circle, various people sighed, and some brought palms to their faces. Sue blinked at the old man, bemused.

"We were kings of the sea, and none dared oppose us! Any that displeased us knew the acrid aftertaste of laser beam! We pillaged and loot indiscriminately! They called us the Vikings of the sea!

"After a while, though, we began to grow bored. After all, you can only pillage and loot so many coral reefs before you begin to get a little bored. After all, we were sharks with fricking laser beams. Were we not destined for something greater? Something beyond the sea? And so it was that the current chief, Taha Aki, took the fleet of laser sharks into the sky, and over the land, and so became the first chief of the flying laser sharks. And for a while, they looted and pillaged the land!

"But their came a time when one laser shark known as Utlapa grew discontent. No matter how much poison he slipped into Tahu Aki's drink, the old laser shark would not die. Shark metabolism and all that, you know. Utlapa sought power for himself, and so he turned to the mortal enemy—or more often, prey of the laser sharks—the humans.

"However, the humans, being, well, human, first were too amazed at the laser shark to listen to Utlapa. And then they were like 'Dude! Laser shark!' and shot it for the purposes of being the guys who shot a laser shark. And then they proceeded to kill the entire tribe of laser sharks in a terrible massacre. The rivers ran red with laser shark blood that day...

"Tahu Aki was the last laser shark killed. The humans laughed as they departed, laughed as he lay there, dying. And that is when the wolf came, sniffing among the laser shark corpses. It paused when it reached Tahu Aki, and that is when a miracle happened. In one blinding flash of light, Tahu Aki fused with the wolf, becoming the first shapeshifter to walk the land.

"And then," the old man paused dramatically, "then he went forth and butchered all the humans that had slain his laser shark brethren! Glorious slaughter occurred that day. And you know what he did then? Looted and pillaged!

"There came a day, though, when looting and pillaging began to get boring again, and so he decided to try something new: kidnapping! Specifically, kidnapping woman, like you youngsters seem so fond of these days. Tahu Aki kidnapped many a woman, and then… soon, there was a whole tribe of little shapeshifting buggers running around. And that is how our tribe was formed."

The old man stood up and too a bow to the half-hearted applause produced by the wolf boys. Sue sat there, her eye twitching a little, and then she leaned over to Jacob and whispered doubtfully, "was any of that true?"

Jacob shrugged. "Who cares? I'm descended from a laser shark!"

Sue sighed, and then turned her attention back to the elders. Billy was wheeling himself to the head of the circle (which, by the way, is that possible? Circles are kind of round) to tell the next story.

"Time passed," Billy began, "and though they were shunned by pretty much everyone, Tahu Aki's little tribe of wolf-boys began to grow, as Tahu Aki's sons began to take their own wives, in the manner of their father. In time, this would come to be called imprinting—when a wolf boy found a girl he really liked, he would kidnap her and then… but there came a time when misfortune befell the tribe. Their women began to be kidnapped.

"The _shapeshifters _took their wolf forms and set off to find the kidnapper. They found a strange smell that burned their noses, unlike any they had every known before. Later, they would recognize this scent to be Axe body spray.

"They followed the scent far into the woods, until finally they came to a sparkling white manor in a clearing in the woods. Through the windows, they could see sparkling white figures inside. This already seemed to be a bad sign for the shapeshifters. However, they courageously plunged ahead, striding up to the doors of the manor."

"You know, something about this seems familiar," Sue whispered to Jacob. "Wait, when did this happen?"

"Oh, like fifty years ago, why?" Jacob answered.

Hmm. That meant the laser sharks had been in Sporks like two hundred years ago. Somehow, Sue thought she would have heard about that. Of course, there were stranger things that went unnoticed. Like Alice.

"Before the wolves reached the door, however, it flew open, sending one wolf sailing into a tree. The rest prepared for combat as a beautiful blond women appeared. For a moment they froze, enchanted by her. And then she shouted over her shoulder, 'You can just forget it, Edward Cullen! You keep your sleezy hands on those girls you keep kidnapping, and off me!' Then she turned her head forward, her gaze falling on the wolves. A snarl spread across her face. 'And would someone take care of these mutts, already?' She kicked another wolf out of her way before disappearing into the trees.

"The wolves were amazed at her strength. They had never encountered anything like this before. However, they were determined to rescue their women, and so mustered their courage and entered the strange house. The found what they were looking for on the couch. A strange bronze haired boy had one of their women in his clutches, and was… the wolves prepared to attack, but suddenly another one, this time a man with blond hair, appeared, and saw the wolves standing in his foyer.

"'Oh my,' he said, 'Rosalie wasn't kidding. We're going to have to do something about this, Edward.'

"'Offer them tea,' the bronze haired one suggested. And the blond vampire did so. To his surprise , the wolves shifted back into human form and accepted the offer. And then they formed the treaty over a pot of tea," Billy nodded, satisfied with his story.

"That was kind of a weird story," Sue said. "And wasn't there supposed to be a third wife in their somewhere for some misplaced symbolism?"

"Well, if it's any consolation, you'll be Edward's third wife," said Quil's grandfather, looking over at them.

"Oh, okay," Sue said. "Wait what?"

* * *

_ So remember how I was all annoyed that _eclipse _had twenty-seven chapters instead of twenty-five like the first two, and it was setting off my OCD? _breaking dawn _has thirty-nine chapters RAGE!_


	12. Things That Shouldn't Be Known

"I fail to see why you're so angry about this," Jacob said as they drove back to the border line. "I mean, you had no problem with all the murder trials."

"I don't mind that he's killed girls before," Sue said, pouting, "But to think, he, he _married_ them!"

"You and marriage, I swear," sighed Jacob. "Well, if it's any consolation, he divorced one and murdered the other. At least he's not _still_ married to them. 'Cause I wouldn't put that past him."

"You know, I could swear he told me he's never had sex before," Sue said, folding her arms across her chest.

Jacob shrugged, eyes fixed on the road ahead. "Yeah, he was probably lying. Or hey, who knows, maybe he was telling the truth. From what I hear, he did kill that mail order bride pretty fast, and Tanya could be smarter than your average vampire."

Tanya. Sue clenched her fist at that name. If she ever got her hands on—

"Well, we're here," Jacob said with some disappointment. He stopped the car, and Sue could see the carriage waiting on the road a little ways ahead. Liaf and Edward were sitting in front, playing cards. From the curses she could hear coming from Edward, Liaf was winning.

"Hurray!" Sue said, leaping out of the car and running to Edward without another word. Jacob stood there next to his car, staring at Sue's back and looking remarkably crushed. Liaf looked up and mouthed _friendzoned_ towards him.

"So how were the werewolves?" Edward asked after he and Sue pulled apart a little and he had finished breathing all over her.

"Werewolves?" Sue asked, a little dazed. Liaf chuckled as he climbed onto the driver's seat of the carriage.

"I was under the impression that you just spent the evening listening to werewolf stories full of foreshadowing and symbolism and fun stuff like that," Edward said, shoving Sue into the carriage.

"Oh yeah," Sue said, smiling. And then she pushed Edward, who was in the process of ascending into the carriage, unbalancing him and sending him sprawling on the ground. Sue stood on the carriage steps, hands on her hips, and glared down at him.

"What was that for!" Edward asked, sitting up and staring at Sue in amazement.

"Why don't you ask Tanya?" Sue shouted back.

"Busted!" Liaf muttered happily. Edward cringed.

"Tanya?" Edward said quickly. "I don't—"

"Sure you don't," Sue said. "Now then, I have to go have a cool dream sequence. You can run alongside the carriage if you want to."

"Wha—" Edward said, before Sue slammed the carriage door shut and Liaf snapped the reins, sending the carriage tottering off at what was actually a quite impressive pace for it.

"Well, much as I hate to see the wolf boy laughing, it was worth it for the look on Edward's face," Liaf remarked as they sped off. "Besides, I can always hope Wolfy laughs hard enough to hurt himself." And then, "Ooo! He really is running."

* * *

So Sue went off and had her super-cool amazingly relevant dream sequence. She awoke afterward to find all was still dark. All dark except for one pale blur, sparkling in the glow of her nightlight.

"I'm still mad at you," Sue muttered, sitting up and clutching a pillow.

Edward appeared by her side. "Really? Are you _really _mad at me?"

"I—" Sue began, but Edward leaned down to silence her.

"How about now?" He asked, breaking away after a few seconds.

Sue took a few seconds to focus her eyes, and then said, in a petulant tone, "yes."

"How about—now!" Edward said, plunging a syringe into her veins. Her eyes abruptly rolled back into her head and she slumped down onto her pillows.

"Yeah," said Edward, nodding in a satisfied way. "That's what I thought."

* * *

Sue came down the stairs yawning the next morning. She had slept like a rock last yet—quite impressive considering that it was a typical, rainy, not-Arizona Sporks night. She barely remembered falling asleep at all. For that matter, she barely remembered the end of the awesomely symbolic wolf stories. She felt like there was something she should be mad at Edward for, but she had no idea what. Oh well, must have just been her dream.

"Good morning!" Edward said cheerily, sitting at the kitchen table, wearing a pair of pajamas that he had probably stolen from Charlie. Charlie himself was nowhere to be seen, but that didn't really distress Sue. It was, after all, Charlie. In front of Edward was a coffee cup with dark liquid inside that Sue was willing to bet was not coffee. Seemed it would be tea for her that morning.

"Morning," Sue replied, pulling a mug from the cabinets.

"How did you sleep?" Edward asked casually, flipping through the newspaper.

"Amazingly good," Sue said, yawning again. When she turned to the table, tea in hand, Edward was grinning. Sue smiled herself. Edward was always so cheerful in the mornings. "And how about you?" she asked. "How was your evening?"

"Good, good," Edward said breezily. "I read the book we're going to be ripping off this time." He picked up Sue's copy of _Wuthering Heights." _I can't wait until we sparklify it."

"You just made that word up," Sue said.

"Sparklify?" Edward raised the eyebrow not hidden behind an eyepatch. "A verb, meaning 'to strip any and all meaning from actual writing, and make it so fluffy and sweet that anyone with taste chokes. And throw a little pedo in there for flavor.' It's in the dictionary." He held up a dictionary.

"Let me see this," Sue took the dictionary, and looked at the page he indicated. "Dude, you totally just wrote that in the margins—"

Sue's front door flew open with a clang. Sue and Edward both looked curiously towards the door. "Hey guys!" came the chirping call.

Sue and Edward looked at each other. "Alice," they said.

She came bounding into the kitchen, "I had a vision that you guys might actually make it to school today," she said in a singsong tone, "so I'm here to fix that!"

"Oh, excellent," said Edward, seemingly happy at getting an excuse, and also sarcastic, because, you know, it was Alice.

"We're having a super awesome graduation/celebrating your imminent vamping party!" Alice said to Sue, waving her arms in the air. She then pulled a paper bag out of her pocket and tossed it to Sue, who began hyperventilating.

"Really?" said Edward, exasperated.

"Really!" said Alice, happily. "Oh, and look at all the murders in Seattle!"

She pulled the newspaper away from Edward, and held he front page up for Sue to see. _Sleepless in Seattle—Because You're Next_, the headline read. Smaller text underneath gave statistics of the murders that had been happening. Apparently about half of Seattle's population had vanished over the last week.

"Oh dear," Sue said, bringing a hand to her mouth.

"Yes," Edward said. "This is becoming quite the problem. We may have to do something about this. It looks like some newborns are getting out of hand."

"Hey…" Alice said.

"No." Edward didn't look up.

"I know someone who knows a lot about newborns," Alice said, drawing her words out like a three year old who knows something they shouldn't and has every intention of exploiting it. Edward set the paper down, and slowly glared up at Alice.

"Who?" Sue asked. Edward whipped around, turning his glare on Sue.

"No," he said, eyes still on Sue, but sending his words to Alice. "We are not asking him."

"Who are you guys talking about?" Sue asked, very confused now.

"Jasper," Alice said, smiling triumphantly.

Well, that explained a lot. "Why would you talk to Jasper?" Sue asked. It was kind of a general question. She had only seen Jasper respond to other people like twice in the two years of whatever time period she had known him.

"Jasper knows a lot about newborns," Alice said. "He'll know what to do in this kind of situation better than anyone else."

"But, but, _Jasper_!" Edward said.

"Jasper," Alice agreed. "It'll be fun! Besides, what else do you have to do today? School?"

"Good point," Edward said. "Alright, let's go see Jasper."

They walked outside, where Liaf was waiting with the carriage. He looked at them. "Let me guess," he said, "no school today?"

"Correct," Sue said, jumping into the carriage.

"Seriously, what are your parents doing?" Liaf asked, spurring the horses into motion. "I mean, you've gone to class like twice this whole year. Shouldn't some adult in your life express some concern?"

"Naw," Sue said, "my mom has a boyfriend to occupy her whole attention now. And besides, she apparently needed me to look after her back when I lived with her, and that's when you know you have problems. And Charlie never really showed any kind of emotion towards me besides awkward and gruff. I haven't even seen him for a couple days now. "

"Oh, I see," said Liaf. "So it's really no wonder that you turned out like you did, then."

"Exactly," Sue said. And then she furrowed her brow. "Wait…"

"So what does Jasper think about this?" Edward asked Alice.

"I don't know," Alice shrugged. "I just found out he didn't die in the fire, actually, so I haven't gotten a chance to talk to him yet."

"Oh, is that so?" Edward asked. "Where was he?"

"In the basement," Alice said. "Evidently he was surrounded by burning wreckage, but none of it touched him, so it's all good."

"Um," Sue said, breaking into the conversation. "Why would Jasper know about newborns?"

Alice and Edward exchanged glances. "It's Jasper," Edward said.

"Oh, just wait until you hear his story," Alice said. "I'll have to make some popcorn."

"Why do you have popcorn?" Sue asked the vampire. She smiled.

"For when Jasper tells stories!" Alice said.

"Oh," Sue said. "You know, I don't think I've ever heard Jasper talk before."

"Yeah," Edward said, as they pulled up to the area that used to be Chez Cullen, that was now a pile of ashes with a motor home parked out front. "There's a reason for that."

* * *

_Best line so far of_ eclipse: _"I was just wondering why you stabbed him. Not that I object" (224)_

_ Worst line: "Bella, for a fairly intuitive person, you can be so obtuse!" (274)_


	13. Jasper

"Hello, Edward, Alice, Sue," Esme greeted them as they climbed out of the carriage. He was standing outside, planting flowers over burned patches of grass. "Shouldn't you children be at school?"

"I'm seriously like the same age as you," Edward said. "And yes, we should be."

"Oh, okay," Esme said. "So what did you need?"

"Is Jasper here?" Alice chirped.

"Yes, I think he's hiding under the mobile home," Esme said.

"Excellent!" Alice said. "Would you get us ready for storytime?"

Esme's eyes lit up. "Of course," he said, and then bustled off into the mobile home. Alice grabbed Edward and Sue's hands, and dragged them after him. When they got to the mobile home, Alice released them, and then bent down to peer under the mobile home.

"Jasper!" she called. "It's stoooorytime!"

Abruptly, Jasper rolled out from under the mobile home, and jumped to his feet. He stared at Alice, and she shook her head excitedly. He gave one slow nod, and then followed Alice around the mobile home. There, Esme had enlisted Carlisle's help and was busy setting up logs around a campfire. There were marshmallows and graham crackers sitting nearby.

"Dude," said Sue, "It's like seven in the morning. Isn't it a little too early for a campfire?"

"It's never too early for a campfire!" Alice said, spearing a marshmallow on a stick, and sitting down on a log.

"And seriously, why do you have all this human food?" Sue asked, picking up a marshmallow of her own and sitting next to Alice. Marshmallows were an even better breakfast than poptarts. "You have more than I do at my house."

"That's cause you and Charlie live there," Edward said, sitting next to Sue and picking up her arm. "Neither of you is really responsible enough to buy food for yourselves." And then he bit down on the arm.

"Hey, I'm responsible!" Sue protested.

"Sure you are, Sue dear," Rosalie said, walking around the trailer, and giving Sue a smile that seemed rather forced. She looked remarkably harried, as if she had spent the morning dealing with an army of newborn vampires. She sat down on the other side of the fire.

Emmett appeared not long afterward, and Carlisle and Esme took their seats. Once everyone had a marshmallow roasting, and Alice had somehow managed to secure some popcorn, Carlisle spoke up.

"So this is about the newborns eating their way through Seattle?" He asked Edward.

"Yes," Edward said. "We've known about them for a while, but it seems that the murders have escalated recently. I think we'll probably have to do something. Soon there won't be anyone for _us _to eat."

Sue noticed Rosalie seemed rather focused on her marshmallow as Alice spoke. "So, since it seems likely we're dealing with a large group of newborns here, we figured we should ask Jasper his opinion!"

"Seems logical," said Carlisle, "but why did you bring Sue here?"

"She's a part of our family now!" Alice said. "And besides, she has to hear Jasper's story if she's going to properly freak out. Because it just wouldn't a _twilight _saga book unless Sue is worrying her fool head off over nothing."

"Fair enough," Carlisle said. "Well, then, let's let hear Jasper's story."

Alice ran over and pulled Jasper out of the shadows of the mobile home.

"So um," Sue asked, "How is this going to work? Is Jasper actually going to, like, talk?"

Esme laughed. "No, don't be silly, dearest. Edward's going to read his mind and tell the story."

Sue looked over at Edward and he shrugged. "I'd hate doing this," he said, "If it wasn't such a fun story to tell."

Alice had finally dragged Jasper into the circle of logs and got him seated. "Are you ready to tell your story, Jasper?"

Jasper speared a marshmallow and stuck it over the campfire.

"Then let's start," said Edward, and so he began to tell Jasper's story.

"I was born in the South during the civil war. When I was seventeen—for a while—I joined the confederate army," said Edward, voicing Jasper's thoughts.

"I quickly rose through the ranks, because of my charisma, or whatever kind of freaky magic powers I have. And there came a day, after the battle of Galveston, when I received orders to evacuate the women and children from city to Houston. It was a simple task, and after I had seen them their safely, I head right back for Galveston.

"Pfft, what a waste," Edward, break from the story for a moment, "You eat the women and children, not save them." Sue elbowed him in the ribs, and he wheezed, glared at her, and then returned to the tale.

"It was night then, and when I spotted three beautiful women, I stopped to see if they needed aid... little did I know I would soon be the one in need of help…"

"Oh man, is that true!" said Emmett, chuckling. Rosalie glared at him. Edward rolled his eyes, and then continued.

"They were vampires, of course, and by the time I knew that, I was one too. And they were vampires with a mission—world domination. And to accomplish that goal, they were building up an army… and I served as their lieutenant. Under my leadership, we flourished, and soon there were none could oppose us. There was only one thing we feared, one thing that could stop us. And then one day, we got a little too reckless, a little too careless, and they showed up…"

Edward paused dramatically. Carlisle smiled slowly.

"The Volturi.

"If you ever want to know what power hungry lunatics are like, just go see them. They already had the monopoly on world domination, so we did not please them. And for all their incompetence, they sure can go on a murdering spree when they want to.

"Maria—this freaky little loli girl—and I were the last ones left. They saved her for last, since she was our leader. I remember when they burst in the room, so clearly, even now…

"'Hey boss,' called one. You might know him now. Volturi Guy B. 'Here's the little girl you wanted. For, you know, your collection. Of toys. For fu—'

"The other Volturi member—Volturi Guy A—slapped him upside the head. 'C'mon, man,' he said, 'can't you keep from saying something awkward for like five minutes? The boss isn't going to be happy with you.'

"'I'm just elaborating,' said Volturi Guy B. 'I mean, I think the little girl should know that Aro's going to make her dress up like a bunny and then—'

"'Dude!' hissed Volturi Guy A. 'Aro's going to show up and then kill you—'

"'Who is going to be killing you?' the words boomed out, cutting off the Volturi Guys. A man stepped into the room, and for a breathless moment, I thought we were saved. 'Cause, you know, he was kind of the pope.

"And then he turned to the Volturi guys. 'I'll only punish you a little,' he said, a glint in his eyes that already made me feel uneasy. 'Run along, now,' he said. 'I'll deal with you two later.' And then he turned back to Maria and me.

"I stood off to the side, unmoving. He turned to Maria first, crouching down in front of her in a way that was really more unsettling than fatherly, like he seemed to mean the gesture to be.

"'So you're the naughty little girl that is responsible for all the mess we had to clean up,' he said to her, kindly. Kind of like Rosalie when she's trying to be kind."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Rosalie said icily, twirling a stick with a flaming marshmallow attached between her fingers.

"Japer thought it, not me!" Edward said quickly, before continuing on.

"'I hope you know how much trouble we had to go through. But you'll make it up to me, won't you?' he said to her. Maria looked like she was going to pass out right then and there. I had never seen her like that before. I couldn't help it. I gasped.

"'Aro's eyes were on me in an instant. He shoved Maria aside, and appeared in front of me. 'Well, well,' he said. 'Look what we have here.'

"Oooo," Volturi Guy B called from outside the room. "Aro _likes _you!"

"There was a smacking noise and a harsh whisper from Volturi Guy A. 'C'mon, man, you want to attract Aro's attention, too?'

"Aro shot a glare towards the door, but then turned back to me, a smile back on his face.

"'Now then, little vampire boy, how would you like to join our group?' he asked me.

"I had never heard of the Volturi before. Maria had not seen fit to tell me. 'T-the Catholic Church?' I gasped out.

"'He blinked, and then rolled his eyes and took off the pope hat. 'No,' he said. 'We're awesome vampire overlords. Only the most beautiful, young—I mean, _talented _vampires can join us. And I can already tell that you are talented. We are known as the Volturi,' he finished dramatically. 'And what is your name, young one?'

"I hesitated a moment, but he didn't seem that terrible. I would soon learn otherwise, of course, but in that moment, I saw no reason not to say, 'Jasper.'

"'Jasper,' he said, drawing out the sound of my name. 'Well then, would you like to join us? Would you like to help maintain the peace of the vampire world?'

"Peace. What a wondrous thing it seemed to me then. It seemed too good to be true. 'I—' I began.

"'It's a trap!' Volturi Guy B shouted. Aro whirled towards the door.

"'Jane!' He shouted.

"'No no no not the saadAAAAARGH!' Voturi Guy B broke off into screams. I glanced at the door myself, a little worried.

"'Now then, where were we?' Aro said to me pleasantly.

"Um…' I said. 'Er, I appreciate the offer, but…'

"'Did you need anything else, Master?' A little girl asked, poking her head into the room. Judging from her bloodstained robes, it was Jane.

"See," Edward said, again breaking off from Jasper's story. "Told you she was a sadist."

"I looked from Aro's smile to Jane's innocent expression. 'I don't really get a choice here, do I?' I asked.

"'Of course you do,' said Aro. 'You get to pick whether your robe is black or navy.'

"After that, Jasper's memories go into his time with the Volturi," Edward said. "I would say what he thinks about that, except it's mostly screaming. Especially c'ause Carlisle was there for part of it."

Carlisle shrugged. He didn't even look ashamed. Jasper smashed his marshmallow between two pieces of graham cracker.

"It went on like that for years, until one day, as I was sitting in the corner of the throne room, twitching, Aro came in, leading a new face. It was a ridiculously short girl, with short black hair. Her eyes were vaguely unfocused."

"It's me!" Alice said, clapping her hands. Edward poked her and then continued.

"'Now then, dear, this is where we'll come when—are you listening?' he asked her.

"'Nope!' she said, shaking her head. And then she kicked him in the kneecaps. 'Bet you can't catch me!' she said, running out of the room as he collapsed on the floor, swearing loudly.

"Her name was Alice, as I would learn over the next couple days. She seemed immune to the soul-sucking of environment of the Volturi. And then, one day, she found me hiding in a corner. 'Hey!' she said to me. 'I had a vision! There's these people we need to go find, 'kay?' she said to me. And then she stole a car and drove off into the sunset," Edward finished, giving himself a satisfied nod.

"That's kind of abrupt," Sue said, "Is that really how it ended?"

"No," Edward shrugged. "But it was something close."

"I actually stole two cars!" Alice said. "And a passenger airplane!"

* * *

_I actually think I kind of like Jasper. I'd like to see his story in the hands of a writer. _


	14. Poke!

"Well, that was an awesome story," said Liaf. "Good thing it had absolutely nothing to do with the newborn problem."

"What newborns?" Edward asked. Liaf threw a flaming marshmallow at him.

"The newborns that are currently wiping out our food supply, Pretty-boy! Freaky Eyes' little tale there was supposed to explain his connections to newborns, but you didn't even mention them once," Liaf said.

"Oh, oops, my bad," said Edward. "Though, to be fair, do we really want Jasper as our strategist?"

Liaf waved his pointy stick at Edward. "Then what the heck was the point of that last chapter?"

"Who doesn't love a little Jasper backstory?" Edward said with a shrug. Liaf sighed.

"Maybe I will go and join that wolf," Liaf said. "I bet whatever he's doing is less frustrating than this. So, perhaps we should focus on the newborns now?"

"Yes," said Carlisle. "I think we should have a big dramatic final battle, so Sue actually has something worthwhile to angst about."

"Seconded!" Alice said cheerfully.

"Wat!" Sue gasped. "I do not approve of this!" She looked frantically around at those lovable little vampires that she now considered her family. Cause, let's face it, even the Cullens were better than her actual parents.

"Good thing no one cares what you think 'cause you're a woman!" Edward said.

A marshmallow skewer embedded itself, quivering, in the log next to Edward.

"Oops," Rosalie said calmly. "My hand slipped."

"I—" Edward said. Another marshmallow skewer came flying at him, and this time embedded itself in the eye not covered by an eyepatch.

"Told you it was a slip," Rosalie said. "I usually have perfect aim."

"MY EYE!" Edward screamed, falling off the log. "I need that for seeing," he whimpered, laying on the ground.

Sue fell off the log as well, landing on top of Edward.

"Oof!" he said. "Is that Heroin? If so, I appreciate the gesture, but it is not helping to sooth my acute ocular pain—"

Rosalie sat up straight in order to peer down at them. "I think Sue passed out from hyperventilating," she said helpfully.

"I've got some news that should wake her right up!" Alice said. She crouched down next to Sue and Edward. "At least we have your graduation party to look forward to before the horribly blood last battle certain to result in the deaths of one or more of us!

Sue sat up, screamed, and ran into the woods.

"I'll start sending out invitations!" Alice chirped.

* * *

The elevator had only descended about halfway before Jacob started to hear the curses.

It stopped with a ping, and Jacob cautiously poked his head out. Fortunately for him, both the doors were shut tight. He stepped out into the basement hallway of CAKE Society headquarters. Seemed like the obscenities were coming from the Team Edward side.

He knocked on the door, and then, deepening his voice, called out, "Rosalie?"

"Just a minute—try it and I'll tear your..." came Rosalie's voice, before it went back to swearing. Jacob moved into the shadows. After a few long moments, the door swung open, and Rosalie darted out before slamming it shut again. Once more, she looked remarkably rumpled.

"Having difficulties?" Jacob asked, lips twitching a little.

Rosalie threw a sparkly severed hand at him.

Jacob yelped and leaped back. The hand hit the metal floor with a clang. "Just what was that?" He shouted at Rosalie.

"Keep your voice down," she said coolly. "Do you want the troops to hear you?" She began walking towards the elevator

Jacob made a meeping sound, glancing between the two doors, and then hurried after Rosalie.

"That, wolf," She said as the elevator doors slid closed and she pressed the button. "Was a demonstration. Sometimes you need to show the younglings who's boss."

"I see," Jacob said, voice only a little mocking now that he had recovered from the fear of fangirls. "So how goes their training?"

"Admirably," Rosalie said, dryly. "I decided the best thing to do was to just whip them all into a frenzy and let them loose on Edward. I don't think we can really hope for too much control."

The elevator pinged. Rosalie and Jacob stepped out, and then began walking down an impressively wasteful length of corridor.

"But is there any guarantee that they will actually succeed in killing Edward?" Jacob asked.

"Of course not," Rosalie said. "Though I do intend to give them all crossbows and hope Edward takes a bolt to the face. No, my wolfish friend, I think you and I may have to do the job ourselves. We really should have done that from the start, but whatever. Anyways, the big dramatic last battle the rest of my family is planning should provide sufficient cover. I imagine Sue will be a fool and insist on drawing Edward away from the rest of the group; we can simply say that Victoria—who we will set up to take all the blame for this, of course—figured out their true whereabouts, and took Edward by surprise. We will run over there to save him when we figure out what is going on, but it will, unfortunately, be too late. And, Sue, who will actually be being distracted by Victoria, will be so distraught at the loss of her 'love,'" Rosalie sneered at the last word, "that she will turn to you for comfort. And you, of course, will have shown up to save her at the last minute."

"That seems like a surprisingly sound plan," Jacob said.

"Yes," Rosalie said. "It's probably going to all go to hell in about five seconds—ah, here we are."

Rosalie stopped in front of a door that Jacob had never seen before—which was not all that surprising, since CAKE Society had been designed with about two rooms and fifty thousand useless corridors with doors that lead to more useless corridors. However, she turned and gave him a vaguely unsettling grin. "Now then," she said, "I have a surprise."

She flung the door open, and Jacob's eyebrows lifted, slightly impressed. Short of medieval museums, he had never seen such a vast collection of torture devices. "Man," he said, giving an appreciative whistle. "How the heck did you manage to find all this crap in three days? For that matter, I was under the impression that you had spent those three days attempting to use your vast reservoir of charm to win over a rapid mob of fangirls."

Rosalie shot a suspicious glare his way—his tone might have been a slight bit mocking on the reservoir of charm thing—but said anyways, "I_ have_ been occupied. Most of this stuff was just in the basement of our manor. Back when we still had a basement. And a manor. I think it's Carlisle's old stuff. Nobody'll notice I took it now. But this isn't the best part. Come here."

Rosalie and Jacob walked into the room, and Rosalie pushed aside an iron maiden. This time, Jacob's eyebrows nearly climbed to his hairline.

"You actually _killed _Charlie?" Jacob said, gaping at the body strapped to the table.

Rosalie rolled her eyes and then glared at him. "Do you think I'm stupid? No. I'm pretty sure he's still breathing." She grabbed a pointy stick sitting nearby and jabbed at his foot. He grunted a little and tried to roll over, but his bonds held him fast. "See?"

"Oh good," Jacob said, walking a little closer. "So, out of curiosity, why did you kidnap Charlie?"

"You were the one who said we should have the newborn army kill him. I thought that might have some repercussions, so I went for this instead," said Rosalie.

"But, _why_?" said Jacob.

"At that point, I think it was more along the lines of 'why not,'" Rosalie said with a shrug. "Besides, it gives me a chance to practice. Just in case we capture Edward, you know. And, it gave the newborns something to do."

"Well, that seems like sound reasoning," Jacob said. "When did you kidnap him?"

"Like three days ago," Rosalie said, sitting on a nearby countertop and frowning a little. "I'm kind of surprised that Sue hasn't noticed yet."

"Well, it is Charlie," Jacob said. "Though it is a little worrying, since he is the only police officer in all of Sporks."

Rosalie waved a hand dismissively. "Sporks doesn't need a police officer. Few people actually commit crimes in Sporks, and those that do—namely, us—are not going to be deterred by a mere police officer. Particularly one such as this." She waved her stick at Charlie.

"He did shoot Edward a couple of times," Jacob pointed out. Rosalie looked over at him.

"And has that ever stopped Edward from committing any crimes? Even those against our officer friend's very own daughter?"

"Fair enough," said Jacob. "What do you intend to do with him now?"

Rosalie shrugged. "Probably just keep him around until the wonder couple starts looking for him. I mean, they have to realize he's gone sometime, don't they? Unless you want a new chew toy?" She shot him a questioning look.

Jacob shuddered a little. "I think I'll pass."

"Alright then, your loss," Rosalie said with a shrug of her shoulders. "Now then, how go things with you and Sue?"

"Um… we talked about laser sharks for a bit, and then I think I managed to make her angry at Edward," said Jacob.

"They didn't look like they were fighting this morning," said Rosalie. "In fact, after Jasper finished his little story, I'm quite sure I say them trying to cram themselves in the bathroom of the mobile home. Regardless, I suppose that's as good as I can expect from you."

"Got that right," said Jacob, swelling with pride.

"So what are your plans now?" Rosalie asked, hopping off of the counter and walking towards the door. "I'll have my hands full with 'training' sessions to keep my family from dying in the battle and also training said army to kill said family. At this point, I don't think Sue will do us much good unless she'd be willing to drive a stake through Edward when his back is turned—"

"I'm actually pretty sure that she's done that before," Jacob said, following Rosalie out into the unnecessarily vast labyrinth of hallways. Rosalie rolled her eyes.

"Then, unless she would be willing to participate in the _brutal murder _of Edward, she won't be much good. However, I think that you have your own personal reasons for getting her attention, am I right? Then feel free to take care of it. After all, anything that results in misfortune for Edward is fine by my standards."

"Okay then, I think I will," Jacob said. "According to the script—"

"Oh, throw that wretched thing away," Rosalie said. "If we actually followed that, I would be a sniveling, bitter woman obsessed with babies."

"You are obsessed with babies," said Jacob. Rosalie eye's had a strange glint to them as she looked over at him.

"Loving them, my friend, is a little different than eating them," Rosalie said.

"Erm, right," Jacob said, as they stopped outside the conference room. "Well, anyways, she's supposed to show up at my house in a few hours, so I'll deal with her then."

"Alright then, I will speak to you later," Rosalie said, turning to most likely head back to the basement. But then she paused, and then looked back at Jacob. "Oh, just a thought. I haven't seen the Toaster since our last meeting. Do you know what happened to it?"

Jacob's eyes went wide. "Um..."

* * *

**OUTSIDE SUE'S HOUSE**

"Somebody saaaaaaave me!" The toaster cried.

* * *

_I actually can't think of anything to say here. Which is weird; I always have something witty to say for the author's note. Or random. I always get those two mixed up. Um. *Poke*_

_It's like fricking facebook.  
_


	15. A Ghost of Tyler Crowley Christmas Carol

_Ummm… hey everyone. I'm Tyler, though everyone insists on calling me the Ghost of Tyler Crowley,_

_for some reason. I don't really know why. Except for the fact I'm a ghost. _

_ Anyways! It came to RisingTwilight's attention that last year's Christmas Special was bad. Like,_

_really bad. Not very Christmas-spirity at all. So this year, she tried to think of the most spirited (or at least, least offensive) character she had. Which is me! So I get to be in charge of the Christmas Special this year! Oh, and due to the Christmas Special this week, there will be no regular chapter. Um. Sorry if that disappoints any of you… _

_ And for anyone out there who doesn't celebrate Christmas, or is a political correctness freak, Happy Holidays!_

_ Anyways! Without further ado, I present to you:_

**A GHOST OF TYLER CROWLEY CHRISTMAS CAROL!

* * *

**

"Lalala!" Sue sang as she spun around the room, pausing only to brush her hand along the fabric of her dress. Tomorrow was the day of the Sporks High Winter Ball, and Sue couldn't be more excited. Which was surprising, since usually dances made Sue panic like she had just gotten locked in small dark room full of chainsaw noises and rattlesnakes. However, this dance was different. This time, she had been asked to the dance by both Edward and Jacob. And that Mike loser, too, but he didn't really count. But anyway, there was nothing Sue loved more than having guys fight over her.

Of course, in order to create such a scenario, she hadn't actually told the guys who she was going with. Hmm, she should probably just call Edward and let him know, though that would kill all her fun.

Sue sat down in her chair with a sigh, and stared out the window. Snow was beginning to fall, not surprising for cold, miserable Sporks. Sue hated snow—all those snowflakes just _wished_ they were as special as her—but she had to admit it did make everything look appropriately wintry.

With another sigh, Sue spun around in her chair to reach for the phone. But before she could…

"Hello!"

"AAAAH!" Sue screamed. "Who are you and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

"You're surprised?" Her spectral visitor tilted his head. "I thought that you let men into your bedroom all the time. I'm the Ghost. Of Tyler Crowley."

"Who in the blazes is Tyler Crowley?" Sue sputtered.

He frowned. "I nearly killed you with a van that one time. Except I was the one who died. You sat next to me in math. You loaned me an eraser once."

Sue only kept staring at him.

The Ghost of Tyler Crowley sighed. "I even asked you to prom. Multiple times. You don't remember me?"

Sue shook her head. The Ghost of Tyler Crowley sniffled a little.

"I-I guess that's alright. That's not what I came here for anyways. You see, about that dance tomorrow—"

"I was just about to call Edward," Sue said, eyeing the Ghost of Tyler Crowley warily.

"Yes, well, you see, before you do that, there are some things you should know. This dance is more important than you could comprehend. Your choice of whoever you go to this dance with could determine your whole future. So, you see—"

"Would you quit saying that already and just tell me what you want?" Sue said, crossing her arms.

The Ghost of Tyler Crowley's face fell a little. "Alright," he said. "Basically, I'm going to show you three possible futures, all of Christmas day five years from now, so you can see the impact your choice will have."

"Okay," Sue said. "This is weird as heck, but what isn't anymore? So what's the first future I get to see?"

"The first," said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley, "is for what would be, if you do not change your current choice..."

* * *

"_Of course I'm going to the dance with you! You're my sparkly soulmate…"

* * *

_

Sue blinked for a second, and then said, "Where are we?" They stood in a sparse, snowy forest. The weak sunlight glittered off of the white snow all around.

"_When_ are we," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley corrected her. "And the answer to that is your life, five years from now. Now you might want to close your eyes."

"Why—ARGH!" Sue said.

"Told you so," said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley.

Sue continued swearing, ignoring him. He sighed.

"Maybe you should put these on," he said, pressing a pair of sunglasses into her hand. "They might be able to tone down the sparkle a bit. Oh, and don't worry, they can't see you."

"What _is _that?" Sue asked, slowly opening her eyes to look at what had been a ridiculously glittery ball of sparkle before.

"That would be you," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley said.

"Oooooh weird," Sue said, recognizing one of the two figures that had just emerged from the trees as herself. Her fabulous vampire self. The other, of course, was Edward. Between the sun, the snow, and them, the effect was really quite blinding. "What am I wearing?"

"If I had to guess, I would say nothing," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley said casually, squinting at Future-Sue.

"Hmmm," Sue said, squinting at her future self. "I have mixed feelings about this."

Future-Sue and Edward skipped to the middle of a clearing. "What a lovely day to be beautiful and _perfect_," Future-Sue exclaimed.

"Yes," Edward said, embracing her. "Merry Christmas, dearest."

"Awwww," Future-Sue said, hugging him back. They stood there in a glittery rainbow of sparkles for a long moment. So complete was their love that small woodland creatures scurried out of the forest to surround the couple, cuddling into their circle of radiance.

"That," said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley, "is a sparklegasm."

"I seriously think I'm going to puke, and I love this kind of junk," Sue said, staring at the ridiculously happy ending before her.

"Mama!" a voice called from the woods, its owner quickly following it into the clearing. It probably should have been called a chimera, but for all intents and purposes it looked like a little girl with _bronze _hair. A glittery little girl. She ran into the circle of sparkle and threw her tiny arms around Future-Sue and Edward. They smiled gently down at her.

"Seriously, get me out of here," Sue said. "I think I'm going to choke on the sweetness of it all."

"Are you hungry, love?" Future-Sue asked the chimera-thing tenderly. It nodded. "Alright," Future-Sue said, patting its head. "You know what to do." It smiled, and then, in the blink of an eye, the little happy family was violently massacring the horde of woodland creatures. Sue watched in horror as the snow around her began to turn red. Something that looked suspiciously like intestine flew through The Ghost of Tyler Crowley. He made a disgusted face.

"Wow," remarked the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. "That is a lot of blood."

Sue was beginning to go a little green.

"Mama!" said the sweet little chimera. "All the little foods are gone, and I'm still hungry!"

"Don't worry," Future-Sue said with a little laugh, patting its head now with bloodstained fingers. "We'll go pay a little visit to Seattle, and then we can get you some really good food."

"Yay!" It said delightedly, clapping its red hands together. "Merry Christmas, mommy!"

The Ghost of Tyler Crowley put his hand on Sue's shoulder, and pulled them back to the present.

* * *

Sue quickly ran off to the bathroom The Ghost of Tyler Crowley sat on her bed, waiting patiently for her to return.

Finally she did so, wiping her mouth and glaring at him furiously.

"What did I do?" He protested.

"I don't know!" Sue said, shutting thee door and then putting her hands on her hips. "But it's all your fault, somehow."

"That's what everyone always says," said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley miserably.

"That was the most sickeningly sweet and sickeningly violent thing I've ever seen, all combined in one package." Sue said, sitting down on her chair.

"That pretty much describes your relationship with Edward," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley said, "_sickening. _So, you ready for the next future?"

"Wha—" Sue said.

"The second," said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley, "is for what could be, if you make a different choice…"

* * *

"_You're nice, funny, hot—both literally and figuratively—and best of all, not like ninety. I'm done with him. Will you let me go to the dance with you? …"

* * *

_

Sue looked around curiously. They were standing in a small hallway, apparently part of somebody's house. Looking out the window at their end of the hallway, Sue thought she recognized an area of La Push. Apparently this was her future with Jacob. The pictures of Jacob and Future Sue on the wall seemed to confirm this, though it seemed that many were missing, judging from light patches on the wall, and many of those that still remained had broken glass.

"This is the worst Christmas present ever!" Future Sue shouted, as she walked out of door behind Sue and the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. They pivoted to face her. She looked a few years older than Sue, but was still human. She also was holding her arm. Sue couldn't see why because there was a towel wrapped around it.

"Look, I said I'm sorry, alright?" Jacob said, coming out of a door at the other end of the hallway. He was shirtless, only wearing a pair of black sweat pants. Sue couldn't help drooling a little. "It was just kind of a heat of the moment type thing."

"You think that makes up for this?" Future Sue shrieked, tearing the towel off her arm and then flinging that arm into the air. Blood fanned out in an arc from a gaping wound on her arm, flying through the Ghost of Tyler Crowley to splatter against the wall.

"You kind of have violent futures," The Ghost of Tyler Crowley whispered to Sue. She gave him a look of loathing.

"It was an honest mistake, all right?" Jacob said, taking a few steps closer. "I didn't mean to…."

"You bit me!" Future Sue yelled, still waving her arm around. Sue thought it was probably a good thing Edward was not present to watch all the blood. "We were supposed to be repairing our marriage, and then you went and turned into a wolf and _effing bit me. _What, am I going to turn into a werewolf now?"

Jacob looked down at his feet. "Er. Ummm… there may be a slight chance …"

Future Sue stopped her wailing and gave him a stare that was half surprise and half nuclear bomb about to go off. "What?" she said, just a little too calmly.

"Erm, um," Jacob said, scratching his chin. "That is kind of how it works. I didn't think I needed to tell you, because things like this are pretty rare. I mean, you have to get pretty excited to transform during—"

"I'm going to become a _werewolf_ now?" Future Sue said incredulously, hands slowly curling into fists.

"Yeah kinda," said Jacob. "Though I'm sorta surprised you didn't realize this before. I mean, how did you think Leah became one—oops. I wasn't supposed to tell you that."

"Woah, what about Leah?" Future Sue said, momentarily distracted from her anger. Jacob looked down uncomfortably.

"Well, female werewolves are really rare, you know? They don't usually inherit the whole werewolf thing. We think that's because it's a sex-linked trait… but anyways, yeah, one day, Leah and Sam were… you know… and then Sam kinda… you know… and suddenly Leah's a werewolf, and Emily is not very happy," Jacob said.

"Ouch," said Future Sue. "Though it's nothing compared to what you're going to be feeling in five seconds."

"Wha—" Jacob managed to get out before Sue launched herself at him and began clawing at everything within reach.

"You me you were a shapeshifter, you stupid dog! Not a werewolf!" she shrieked. "You told me it was safe! You know who I would have been safe with? Edward! I left him for you, and I've been miserable ever since! _He_ wouldn't have bitten me… well, actually, he would have, but I would have become beautiful, not furry!"

"That's kinda racists, don't you think?" Jacob said, pushing Future Sue away. "I mean, I can't help that I'm not the pretty kind of mythical monster. And you know, there are some people who choose fur over fangs. Just ask my fanbase."

Future Sue threw a lamp at his head. Sue was not entirely where she had gotten it from, but it made a really impressive crash against the wall after Jacob dodged it. He started quivering uncontrollably.

"If it's a werewolf fight you want, Jacob Black, it's a werewolf fight you'll get!" Sue said, and began quivering as well.

"Um, we might want to get out of here now," said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. Sue nodded quickly, and he pulled them back to the present.

* * *

"Future me does not seem to be very good at enjoying Christmas," Sue said, sitting down on her bed.

The Ghost of Tyler Crowley shrugged. "I don't know, the vampire you seemed pretty happy."

"Yeah," Sue said. "Too happy. That was pretty much the creepiest thing I've ever seen."

"So, what do you think?" said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley. "So far, you've seen two possible futures that stem from who you take to this dance. Which do you like better?"

"So I get to chose between being a werewolf or a vampire?" Sue said. "I don't know. I mean, putting the whole werewolf thing aside, it looked like if I chose Jacob, I would always be wishing I had chosen Edward. And yet, while I was happy enough with Edward, do I really want to become _that? _It's like a dream came true, only for it to turn out to be the stuff of nightmares." She crossed her arms and thought for a minute. "Both those kinda seemed like crappy futures. What's the third?"

"The third," said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley, smiling a little, "is for what should be, if you make the right choice…"

* * *

"_Well, since it seems that there are no vampire princes or super hot wolf-boys to sweep me away, I guess I'll go with you…"

* * *

_

"So where are we now?" Sue wondered. They were in a house again, though perhaps a little nicer one than last time. A fire was crackling merrily in the fireplace, and through the curtains over the window, Sue could see it was gently snowing outside. Future Sue, human again this time, was sitting on a plush red couch, reading a book silently. The scene actually looked… normal. "What am I supposed to be seeing?"

"Wait for it," said The Ghost of Tyler Crowley.

In another room, Sue heard a door swing open, and then a male voice called, "Honey, I'm home!"

Future Sue put down her book, and stood just as the man stepped into the room. He moved over to Future Sue too quickly for Sue to get a good look at his face, and then he pulled Future Sue into a kiss.

Sue raised her eyebrows. The Ghost of Tyler Crowley hummed a little tune.

"I'm so glad you could make it back for Christmas Eve," Future Sue said a little breathlessly. The man stepped back, and Sue looked up at his face. "I'm so happy to see you, Tyler."

In an instant, Sue had rounded on the Ghost of Tyler Crowley and was attempting to strangle him. "You!" she sputtered, in inarticulate rage. "You set this whole thing up, didn't you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about!" said The Ghost of Tyler Crowley. "I'm just a guide! If your third and happiest future happens to involve going to a dance with me, it's not _my _fault!"

In the background, Tyler and Future Sue had stepped apart a little, and were talking softly and smiling.

"Oh, whatever!" Sue said. "Besides, you're a ghost! I'm not going to marry a ghost!"

"You could become a ghost too," suggested The Ghost of Tyler Crowley, still dodging Sue's attacks. "It's not that hard. And then we could go to ghost prom…"

"Not a chance!" Sue yelled. "Now take me back to my room! I'm done with you!"

The Ghost of Tyler Crowley sniffled a little, taking one last look at the happy scene before him. Then obliged, taking them both back to the present.

"So those are my options?" Sue said, glaring at The Ghost of Tyler Crowley. "Sugary-sweet horror with Edward, wolfish misery with Jacob, or, worst of all, life with _you_?"

"That really is kind of uncalled for," said The Ghost of Tyler Crowley, frowning. "Shouldn't you be a little nicer, considering it's almost Christmas? I don't even know why everyone hates me so much."

"You did nearly kill me with a van, and succeeded in putting me in the hospital for three weeks," said Sue.

"Point," said The Ghost of Tyler Crowley. "Well, now that you've seen your three futures, what do you intended to do?"

Sue frowned in concentration for a long moment, and then finally snapped her fingers. "I've got it!"

"What is it?" The Ghost of Tyler Crowley asked eagerly.

"You," Sue answered, "don't get to find out now. Come back tomorrow and I'll tell you."

* * *

The next day, The Ghost of Tyler Crowley sat in Sue's room, waiting for her to return from the dance.

Finally, she did so, her bedroom door banging open. She stomped in, still in her dress, and threw her purse on the ground.

"Erm," said The Ghost of Tyler Crowley, "what happened?"

Sue flopped down face first on her bed. Her voice was slightly muffled by her pillow. "I took Mike. He threw up on me. I told him I never wanted to see him again."

The Ghost of Tyler Crowley sighed. "So the future still remains uncertain. Looks like we will have to go through the rest of the _twilight _saga after all, only to finally discover that Sue and Edward live happily ever after. After all that work, I don't even get the girl. Sometimes I think the gods hate me." He sighed again, and then shook himself a few times and perked up. "Oh well, there's always next time! But for now…"

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night," he said, as he faded from Sue's bedroom.


	16. Alice

"Alice," Edward said. "If she went and got herself eaten by a bear, I am placing the blame squarely on your shoulders."

"Hey," Alice said. "Most people _like _parties. I expected her to react—"

"Reasonably?" Edward said. "Because Heroin is actually capable of reacting to something reasonably. Just like you're capable of being normal."

"Ooo!" Alice squealed. "A squirrel!" she shrugged out from the grip Edward had on her shoulder and went sprinting off, Leaving Edward alone in the shadowy forest afternoon. He sighed.

"I should really stop tempting Irony like that," he said. He reached up and fiddled with the blindfold that covered both his eyes. "Man, and I had gone so long without getting into a terrible situation. Heroin? Alice? Anyone?" he called, and got no reply. "Awesome, I get to _smell _my way home." He sniffed, turned, took a few steps, and then ran directly into a tree.

"ARGH!" He yelled. "You can't smell tree!"

He stuck his hands out in front of him, and prepared for a very long walk home.

* * *

Meanwhile, Sue was about to get eaten by a bear.

_I feel like this is very ironic, and I should blame Edward, _she thought as she attempted to fend the bear off with a branch. It did not seem amused.

The bear raised a massive, shaggy paw to presumably kill Sue. She began to wish she hadn't told Edward he could have her stuff if she died.

But of course, dying like that would be too easy. Just before the bear delivered the final blow, a massive red-brown wolf hurtled out of the woods and proceeded to massacre the bear before her eyes. It was comparable to some of Edward's kills. Sue dropped the branch she was holding.

"Well, that was good timing," Jacob said, turning back his human form, and dusting his hands off.

"Augh!" Sue said, covering her eyes. "Put some pants on!"

"Oh, oops," Jacob said, slipping a pair of shorts from the cord he had tied around his ankle. "Though don't you think it's kinda weird that you're drenched in blood from the gratuitous violence you just witnessed, but it's the little glimpse of the goods that you take offense to? Particularly when I'm sure there are ladies who would pay for the view you just got."

"Ugh," Sue said, shooting him a disgusted look (after ensuring that he was, in fact, wearing pants), "violence is perfectly acceptable. But _sexual content_…"

"Yeah, sure, whatever," said Jacob. "Anyway, it looks like your stalker of a boyfriend isn't here, so you wanna go hang out at my place?"

"As long as you don't mind me completely leading you on the whole time," Sue said.

Jacob shrugged. "Don't worry. I'll totally pay everything back to you a hundredfold." Sue opened her mouth. "C'mon," said Jacob, effectively cutting her off, "we're like twenty feet away from a road. My car is parked there."

They began to walk towards Jacob's car. All was quiet except for an odd clunking noise. Sue looked to thee ground trying to find the origin of the noise. She spotted an electrical cord tied to the string around Jacob's ankle, and traced to cord back to its source.

"Um, Jacob?" Sue asked. "Why do you have a toaster tied to your ankle?"

"Oh," Jacob said, stopping to look back at the small appliance dragging on the ground behind him. "You're probably better off not knowing that." Funny, but Sue could swear she heard the toaster _groaning_. But that would be silly, and Sue was not one to indulge in silliness. They resumed walking.

"So," Jacob said. "You gunna graduate this year?"

"Yeah," Sue said. "Edward went and bribed the principal to change our grades. Plus, Alice said that if we stayed, she would too, and that's the last thing the administration wanted."

"I suppose they would be happy to get rid of your little freakshow," Jacob said. "So, any _special _plans for after graduation? Like the kind that involve me going and tearing out vampire jugular?"

"Um," Sue said as the climbed into Jacob's car. "If you put it that way, no. Besides, I haven't even had sex with Edward yet."

Jacob slammed on the gas pedal, and the car stalled. "For the love of god, is that really how the script goes? Isn't this junk written by a Mormon?"

"Meh," Sue said. "Everyone loves a good sex scene. Especially when all the readers get to know about it is that Edward bit a pillow. Pretty smexy."

"Yeah, I'm seriously going to puke," Jacob began driving. "How can anyone stand to read that, much less write it?"

"How can anyone stand to write _this_?" Sue said. "I mean, we haven't had a coherent plot since the second chapter of _Insert Fail Symbolism Here,_ and the humor is always on the edge of offensive. When it isn't just outright offensive. And that's saying nothing of all the shameless breaking of the fourth wall…"

"Stop telling our readers things they already know," Jacob said. "You'll make us look bad for being in such a second-rate story."

"Oops, sorry," Sue said. The sat in silence for a while. Sue watched the homogeneous green rainy depressing woods whiz past them "So…" she said.

"What should we talk about?" Jacob asked, making a rude gesture at an old man in a rundown little car as they passed him.

"Well, according to the script—" Sue began. Jacob cut her off with a cough. Sue rolled her eyes. "Well, I had this _feeling _that you were going to go to sleep, so I had all this angsty monologue prepared, but…"

"I could fall asleep at the wheel," Jacob said, "but as humorous as that would be, I'd rather not. How 'bout we just do this over dialogue instead?"

"Okay," Sue said, that won't be awkward at all." They arrived at Jacob's house. Inside, Jacob grabbed them both sodas and the settled down on the couch.

"So, what's on your mind?" Jacob asked.

"Well, so Carlisle said he would go and vamp me after I graduated," Sue began.

"Wait, is it too late to change my mind?" Jacob asked.

"So, considering I've been wanting to be a vampire for about the last thousand pages of this series, I probably should just go ahead and take him up on the offer. But you know, now that I actually have to option to become a vampire, I'm thinking that it might be too easy. I mean, if I just took him up on the offer, we wouldn't get the pleasure of sitting through _breaking dawn_. And considering what a sterling example of literary prowess that is, that can't happen."

"One sec, I'm going to go get one of my dad's beers," Jacob said.

"I do have another option. And that way I could get absolutely everything I wanted. Edward is willing to be the one to bite me, but he has his _conditions_," Sue said, and she made a face. Jacob popped the top of his bottle and threw his head back to chug it. "All I have to do is marry him," Sue said. Jacob did a spit take.

"You're getting _married_?" Jacob said after he had finished choking.

"No!" Sue said. Jacob gave her a look. "Yeah probably," Sue said in a small voice.

"God, you have got to be the most worthless protagonist ever," Jacob said. "Glad to know the next generation of women have such a strong model to look up to."

"It's just," Sue paused, and her eyes got all dreamy, "I want _his _venom to poison my system."

"I'm seriously going to burn your script," Jacob. "You know better than to read lines from that. Besides, didn't you say your boyfriend isn't venomous? It was a whole major plot point in the first parody. And he bites you all the time."

Sue looked over at him sharply. "Holy crap, you're right." Her eyes got all wide. "Do you… do you think that Edward was trying to _trick _me?"

"Yeah, that sounds like him," Jacob said, raising a palm to his face. "Why would he even be so insistent on you marrying him anyway?"

"Well," Sue said, "It all comes down to sex."

"By my laser shark ancestors, why do I keep asking these things?" Jacob groaned.

"I don't know," said the Toaster, which was currently sitting on the coffee table. Jacob shot it a look full of wide-eyed fury. Sue didn't notice, continuing to talk.

"See, there's all this stuff about my soul and junk that really doesn't make sense, but we're going with it. What it comes down to is that, if Edward wants to have sexy time with me, there has to be a ring on my finger first."

"Hmm," Jacob said. "I think I have a solution for your problems."

"What?" Sue asked, looking over at him hopefully.

Jacob pounced on her, sending them both crashing to the couch. Jacob, face only inches away from her own, spoke, his breath brushing against her skin. "I don't think your soul will be quite as much of a concern if you're not a virgin." Jacob said.

Sue stared up at him in shock. _Well, I suppose this would solve my problems. Kinda. Oh, shoot, I'm screwed, aren't I? Wait, bad word choice. Fuuuuuuuu—_

"Hahahaha!" laughed the Toaster. "Bet Meyer never thought of this!" Jacob kicked it off the table. It made a thunk and an "ow!" against the floor.

"What was that?" Sue said, trying to look at it, but unable to escape from Jacob's grasp.

"Nothing," said Jacob. "Where were we?" He leaned a little closer. Sue wriggled, trying to escape.

"Uh, look, Jacob, I really don't think this is a good idea," Sue said quickly. "I, uh, like you like a brother, and that would make this incest—"

"—wincest—" said the Toaster, sounding dazed.

"And that would probably be bad," Sue said. "plus, uh, I'll prosecute you for rape if you do this?"

"Yeah, whatever," said Jacob. "Trust me, babe, once I'm done with you, you'll only think it's a crime that I stopped."

"Dude, you can't do this," Sue said frantically. "We're rated teen. You'll get censored."

"The scene will just switch," Jacob said. "Don't worry about it."

"I—" Sue said.

The front door slammed open. Both Jacob and Sue's eyes shot towards it. "Is this my house?" Edward called.

Sue froze in open mouthed horror. Jacob's expression switched between awareness that he most likely had a future as a wolf pelt, and disappointment at being interrupted. The Toaster chuckled to itself quietly.

"Hmm," Edward said, fiddling with his blindfold again. "Curse this infernal thing. I followed the Sue scent here, but this doesn't seem to be the Cullen motor home. Maybe this is her house? Sue? Gruff old geezer? Is anyone here?" Edward called again.

Sue opened her mouth to scream, but before she could, Jacob had a hand over her mouth. She looked over at Edward, stumbling through Jacob's house and muttering about how Sue's house smelled like dog now, and thought through her options. She made a choice.

Sue licked Jacob's palm.

"Ah, man, do you have any idea how gross that is?" Jacob groaned, pulling his hand away.

"_Edward!_ It's a traaaap!" Sue screamed.

Edward immediately turned towards them. "What's going on?" he said, almost threateningly, except for the fact he tripped over the Toaster and ran into the coffee table.

"The only thing going on here," growled Jacob, still poised over Sue, "is that I'm showing your girlfriend—"

**"NOBODY MOVE!"**

As one, Sue, Edward, and Jacob looked toward the still open front door. And as one, their mouths fell open.

Charlie, Police Chief of Sporks, stepped into the room, gun at the ready.

He looked more than worse for the wear, covered in scars, his officer uniform torn, one sleeve hanging askew. The look in his eye was more than a little unhinged. For the first time, he actually seemed frightening. Billy wheeled into the room behind him, giggling madly.

"I don't know what happened to me over these last three days, and I don't know why you," he pointed a trembling finger at Sue, who was still frozen, "didn't do anything about it, but I know it was _your _fault!" He pointed at Edward, with the gun this time. Edward couldn't see what was going on, but he apparently decided the best idea was to raise his hands into the air. Slowly.

Billy wheeled forward. "When Charlie didn't show up to watch the game last night, I knew something was wrong! I tracked him to this strange labyrinth in the mountains. It was absolutely unguarded!" he cackled. Jacob winced a little. "It was so simple to break Charlie out of there. And now you're going to get it, vampire!"

"Is that your dad?" Edward asked Jacob. "Cause he's as crazy as Sue's dad."

"Silence!" Charlie bellowed, stepping forward to press the barrel of his gun into Edward's cashmere sweater. "I've had my eye on you, knowing you were up to no good, for so long. But you made Sue happy—I think—so I didn't do anything. But now, but now! Now, pretty-boy, you've exposed your true evil. Now, it's time to die." His finger curled around the trigger.

"Can you do that?" Edward squeaked.

"Who is going to stop him?" Billy said. "The only witnesses are us, and none of us will speak."

"Um," Sue said. Charlie glanced over at her and Jacob. They were still in a rather compromising position.

"Liberating her from _his _evil influence?" Charlie said, giving Jacob a nod. "Good work."

"Dad!" Sue said in disbelief.

"That's quite enough stalling," Charlie said, turning back to Edward. "Nothing will stop me now."

"And just what do you guys think you're doing?"

Alice appeared in the door with a squirrel perched on her shoulder, and a cheerful smile on her face. "I have a stolen car idling out front, and we have a party to plan! C'mon!" She shoved Charlie aside, grabbed Edward, shoved Jacob aside, grabbed Sue, and pulled them both out the door. A few seconds later, the roar of a car speeding out was heard.

Jacob and Charlie stood up. And then, for a long moment, all remaining in the house simply stared out the door.

"What the _hell _was that?" Charlie managed finally.

"That," said Jacob, "was Alice."

* * *

The next few days for Sue passed in a whirlwind of party planning and final failing. To think, this was her last week of high school. It seemed to have passed so fast, which was not at all a direct result of the fact she had spent half her high school career as a zombie, and the other half ditching. And now it was all over. For the first time, at least. All that remained now was the actual ceremony. And then it was time for the awesome bloody deathmatch between the Cullen fun bunch and the vicious horde of newborns. And worse yet, Sue's graduation party.

She sighed, sitting down on her bed and glaring at her college. It was almost time for her to leave for the ceremony, and she still had no idea what to wear. Talk about problems. And worse yet, that stupid vampire who had broken into her room had taken her lucky panties. How could she be expected to graduate without those?

"Hey, Sue, wassup?"

And oh great, Alice was here. She always made everything better. Even though she really had saved Sue and Edward from Charlie's rage, she then made them spend about ten hours planning this stupid party. Sue _hated _parties.

"You might want to put on some pants," Alice said pleasantly, leaping down to Sue's carpet and shutting the window behind her. "Unless this school does graduating a little differently from all the others I went to."

Sue threw a stuffed animal at Alice, who neatly dodged it. "I was getting there," she grumbled.

"Cause, you know, if you're having trouble finding something to wear, _I _got you something…" Alice said, holding a lime green box out in front of her.

Sue knew that she would rather kill Edward and then herself than wear whatever was in that box. Alice herself was wearing a rather interesting ensemble. "Wow, Alice, thanks, but, uh, I already have something picked out." Sue thrust her hands into her closet, and grabbed the first two articles of clothing she touched. She tossed them on.

"Oh," Alice said, her face falling.

"Sue!" Charlie called. "We're leaving soon!"

"I'll be ready soon!" she called back. She looked to Alice. "You should probably go. Like now."

"Hmm," Alice said, placing a finger on her chin. "No, I don't think so. I feel like you are not properly freaked out enough. I feel like there is an important plot point here, but not only have we been pretty much ignoring the plot, it didn't even make any sense in the first place."

"_You_ don't make any sense," Sue said. "Now would you please get out of here? If Charlie finds you here, he might shoot you just for being related to Edward. He's been keeping his gun on him just in case Edward dares show his face."

"What did you say about my beautiful face?" Edward said, opening Sue's window. "Nice outfit, by the way. I'm guessing Alice didn't pick it out."

Sue slapped a hand to her face. "Look, would you both please just get out of here?"

"Where's the fun in that?" Alice said, pouting. "Edward, help me freak Sue out."

"Isn't there a plot point supposed to go here?" Edward said.

"I don't think we have a plot anymore," Alice said. She pursed her lips thoughtfully, "or is that, I don't think we have a plot?"

"Hey, um, I'm here from CAKE Society," said the vampire girl who had broken into Sue's room before. She was staring through Sue's open window. "I'm kind of supposed to kill you now." She pointed to Edward.

"Oh, dang," said Edward. Sue began hyperventilating. Alice clapped her hands in excitement.

"There's the panic I was looking for," she said happily.

"Sue, are you ready yet—YOU!" Charlie pulled his gun out and attempted to shoot Edward, but the bullet went wide, striking the CAKE girl on the forward. She fell out of sight. Alice whistled.

"Well, that's my cue to leave! See you at the ceremony, Heroin!" Edward said. He and Alice scrambled out the window.

Charlie screamed in rage. "Yeah, dad, I'm ready," Sue said with a sigh.

* * *

At graduation, Sue gave a little wave to Alice and Edward, who were chatting up at the front of the line, and slipped into her place behind that Fatty girl who hasn't appeared in the story for ages.

"Well, Sue, here we are at graduation," Fatty said. "I know we've had our differences over the years, but I hope we can end—"

"Shut up," Sue said. "I have no times for your silly little human problems. I have serious business to deal with."

"Honestly, this is hopefully the last time we'll ever see each other," said Fatty. "Do you really have to be so much of a superior freak? I don't even know how you managed to graduate. You only went to school like two days this year."

"You didn't even go to prom with me!" said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley, appearing beside Sue. She screamed.

Fatty gave her a dark look. "Let me guess, you're going to start talking to yourself now? Fine, Mary Sue. I tried to be nice to you, but I guess you're too good for friends."

"What are you doing here?" Sue hissed at the Ghost of Tyler Crowley.

"Graduating," said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley, seeming surprised at the question. "What does it look like?" He gestured at the spectral cap and gown he was wearing. Sue wondered how that worked out.

"Don't you have to be, like, alive to graduate?" Sue asked.

"That's a technicality," said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley, looking hurt. "Don't you have to pass your classes to graduate?"

Sue narrowed her eyes. "That's a surprisingly impressive bit of sarcasm coming from you. I don't like it." Fatty gave her a disgusted look, and began talking to that Lauren chick.

The Ghost of Tyler Crowley looked down at the floor. "Sorry. Rosa—er, my friend says I've been spending too much time with bad influences."

"Oh," Sue said. "Stop that. And go away."

"Um," said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley, "I was wondering if maybe we could hang out sometime—"

"No," Sue said.

"But—" the Ghost of Tyler Crowley said.

And then suddenly, that dorky guy who was the valedictorian was speaking. Then they were calling names, and Sue passed across the stage. And then it was all over, and Sue had a party to go to.

The Ghost of Tyler Crowley, all alone in the empty auditorium, sighed.

* * *

_The second scene of this chapter is one of my favorites that I've written for this whole parody series. Something about the steady degradation of the situation just makes me laugh. Other candidates for my favorite scene include the "Edward kills some rapists" scene and "Touching moment as the Cullen house burns" scene. Side note: I really should come up with an overarching title for this series. _

_Also, you may have noticed that this was a double chapter. There should be one more before the end of _Three Too Many. _Hopefully you guys like these things, because my _breaking dawn _parody will probably be half double chapters. Also, for those of you who are confused about what chapter of _eclipse _I'm on (I sure was), I just finished chapter sixteen. _


	17. Why Not To Like Parties

"So," Charlie said. Gruffly. "My little girl is a high school graduate now."

"Dad," Sue sighed, "Can we please not do this?"

"What?" Charlie said. "I'm not allowed to wonder at the fact that my little girl is all grown up?" Oh god, he actually sniffled a little. She not only had to deal with the huge party Alice was throwing in her honor, but also her caring father? Life just wasn't fair.

"Seriously dad, stop saying cliché dad things. Everyone knows you're a crappy father," Sue crossed her arms and looked out the window of Charlie's police cruiser. "Besides, we should almost be—oh sweet Jesus, it looks like _Vegas_."

"I don't think I can see," Charlie said, blinking at the sudden light radiating from the Cullen driveway.

"Alice," Sue hissed. "That little package of Satan."

"That's not a very nice way to talk about someone who went through all this trouble for you," Charlie said, giving her a disapproving look, before turning back to the road buried under blinding light. "Though if I hit a tree trying to make this turn, it's her fault."

"My name is written there in twenty feet tall neon letters," Sue said, pointing above the forest.

"It's, uh, flattering?" Charlie said. The Cullen's clearing came into sight up ahead.

What Sue found impressive, aside from the lights, and those were not so much impressive as _horrific_—Sue had no idea how Alice had found enough electricity in the state to power them all—was that in the week since she had been here last, the Cullen manor had been completely rebuilt. It stood just where the old one had, as sparkling white and perfect as ever. Well, perhaps it wasn't that surprising, since they were super strong vampires with unlimited resources, but still, it was this particular group of vampires. In fact, now that Sue thought about it, she hadn't ever met a competent group of vampires. The motorhome was hidden behind the manor. It had been too damaged to return.

Charlie stopped the car, and Sue jumped out. She stared up at the streamer-covered expanse of the Cullen manor as Charlie drove away, and sighed. Then she marched up glitter-covered steps to the scene of the party.

She was promptly blinded by about four strobe lights going off at once. She hoped that none of her guests were prone to seizures. She hoped that she wasn't prone to seizures.

"Sue!" Alice called, stepping out from what seemed to be a DJ both, complete with massive speakers. Speakers which were currently blasting Mozart. Yeah, about what Sue had expected.

Alice seemed to wearing _something_ that was even more glittery than she was. Jasper, hiding in a potted plant in the corner, looked to be wearing a matching something, but it was hard to tell.

"Hey!" Alice said. "You're finally here! Our guests should be arriving soon. I invited all your friends."

"Wait," Sue said. "I don't have friends."

"Neither do I!" Alice said, clapping her hands as the doorbell rang. "I'll go get that!"

"Congratulations," Edward whispered in her ear as Alice ran off, his voice like the very distinctive sound of velvet. "Now, just enjoy your party, and don't think about the imminent death of everyone you care about." And then he vanished too.

Sue whirled around too late to catch him disappearing, leaving her standing there in the middle of the jazzed-up Cullen living room. The strobe lights were off now, and instead several colored lights were sending dots of red, blue, and purple whirling across the room in crazy patterns. "Edward?" Sue called, hesitantly. Then, a little stronger, "Edward! I _am _thinking about it!"

Alice sprung up next to Sue. "Thinking about what? The suuuuper awesome party we will have on our hands shortly? That better be what you're thinking about, cause our guests are here!" she sang.

"Um, no, actually," Fatty said, walking up to Sue and sparing a sideways glance for Alice. I'm actually here to tell you that everyone will _not _be coming. After how you've acted towards us for the last two years, Mary Sue, I'm surprised you had the gall to even invite us to your party. You've always held yourself superior. You always acted like all the men should just be falling at your feet. Every time I tried to talk to you, you said something rude and walked away. And I'll bet you still don't even know my real name. And that's to say nothing of how you treated Lauren, just because she asked you if you wanted to volunteer at the animal shelter with her sometime! So no, no one wants to come to your party. Have a nice life, Mary Sue."

Fatty turned and walked away.

_That wasn't her name? _Sue thought blankly.

The doorbell rang. Alice jumped forward.

"I'll get it!" she called. Sue stood there on the dance floor, staring in a manner remarkable reminiscent of Jasper, who most definitely _was_ hiding in the plant. She was most certainly not enjoying the party that might or might not actually happen.

Alice returned shortly. "It was only the pizza guy," she said, face a little crestfallen. It didn't quite seem to suit Alice. Sure enough, she perked up a few seconds later. "But I'm sure the guests will be coming soon!"

"Does that mean I can't go home now?" Sue said despairingly.

"Correct!" Alice said. Smiling.

* * *

**A FEW HOURS LATER…**

Sue stared at Jasper's cards in disbelief. "How is this possible?" She said blankly. "This is the one hundredth and forty-second hand he's won in a row."

"Yeah," Alice said, with a smile and a shrug, "Jasper's lucky."

Esme, kindly playing the dealer for them, gathered up the cards and shuffled for the next hand of Texas Hold 'Em. They were all seated on the floor in the middle of the huge party room. No one had shown up yet.

"There's no way this is just luck!" Sue said, glaring at the cards Esme dealt her. "I mean—for god's sake, you can see the future! How is he beating you?"

"Hmm?" Alice said. "Oh, right, I can see the future! Yeah, it doesn't work, Jasper doesn't show up in the future. I think that probably means he's not supposed to exist."

Sue looked at Alice a little curiously, and gave Jasper about the same. She tossed a few M&M's into the center of their circle on the floor for her bet for this hand. Jasper probably had about twenty bags worth of M&M's piled next to him. Alice had to keep tearing open new bags so they could buy back into the game. Sue hadn't seen any of the other Cullens besides Alice, Jasper, and Esme for the last several hours. She suspected they were staying away in fear Alice would make them play.

Esme laid the fifth card down, and then they went around the circle for one final betting round (Sue wasn't sure why they bothered). All three revealed their cards.

"See," Sue said despairingly, looking at Jasper's cards, "this is just impossible."

"A royal flush!" Alice squealed, clapping her hands, "Good job Jasper!" Sue wasn't sure, but she though she might have seen one of the corners of his mouth twitch up a little. His eyes, of course, remained open and staring.

"Alright," Esme said, "should I—"

The doorbell rang.

For a second, they all just stared at the door. Then Alice leaped to her feet.

"See!" she said, full of bouncy Alice excitement, "I told you they probably just got lost!" She sprung over to the door, and flung it open. "Welcome to the party!" She chirped. Sue climbed to her feet, and Esme calmly began putting away the cards. Jasper had already vanished. Sue suspected he might be hiding under the refreshment table.

Instead of some happy (and possibly unsettled) high school graduates filing into the room, three large wolf boys shoved their way in, towering above Alice. Sue thought she still might bet on Alice in this confrontation.

"We're not here for the party," Jacob said menacingly.

"Oh," Alice said, tilting her head to one side thoughtfully. "Would you like some pizza?"

"Yes!" said the skinny minion. Embry. Jacob elbowed him in the gut.

"We're not here for the pizza either," said Jacob, threateningly.

"Oh," Alice blinked. "Then what are you here for?"

"Jacob was hoping he could get a chance to make out with Sue while you guys were distracted by the party," the pervy minion—Quil—said. He looked around the empty room, eyes falling on Sue standing in the middle. Esme had vanished into the kitchen. "Though it really doesn't look like there's too much of a party at this point."

"We can still have a party!" Alice said. "With the power of imagination, anything—oops, vision incoming." She commenced staring blankly at the wall to the side of the door.

The wolf boys looked down curiously at the little creature before them. Quil tentatively poked Alice, which only made her sway a little.

"Is she… alright?" Jacob asked cautiously.

"No," Sue said immediately.

"No, I mean, is she like having a seizure or something?" Jacob asked.

"Oh, no," Sue said. "She'll be back to her normal self in about—"

"It's last battle time!" Alice said with a little hop.

"Oh," Sue said. And then she fainted.

The wolf-boys stared aghast at Sue's body. "Is… is _she_ alright?" Embry asked.

"Dang women," muttered Quil, "good thing they have men to take care of them."

A fork embedded itself, quivering, in the wall a centimeter from his head. Rosalie stepped out of the kitchen.

"Did I hear something about a battle, dear sister?" Rosalie said, walking over to the gathering at the door. She ignored the wolf-boys (even Quil, who was wide eyed and sputtering), except for the barest nod Jacob's way.

"Yup!" Alice said, clapping her hands. "Looks like the horde should be coming our way shortly!"

"Excellent," Rosalie said, clapping her on the shoulder. "So who do you think will be the first to die?"

"Probably Edward," Alice chirped. "He's kind of got a blind spot. I bet he doesn't last more than a minute." Sue, who had been waking up, passed out again.

"Yes," Rosalie said, shaking her head a little. "Such a pity that no other vampires are willing to help us. We'll have to do this alone. Unless," a speculative look came across her face, and she turned to the wolf boys, "we get help of another kind." She raised an eyebrow at Jacob.

A slow, practiced grin came across his face. "Well, well, Miss Vampire, are you suggesting that I might get to tear out some sparkly jugular after all?"

She raised her hands in the air, and gave a little shrug. "Yes, wolf, I think it might just be for the best if you participate in this battle as well." She offered him her hand.

"You've got yourself a deal. When the fighting breaks out, the wolves will be there to help matters along." Jacob took Rosalie's hand, and shook it. Sue, on the ground, was beginning to stir.

"It's so nice to see everyone getting along!" Alice said, smiling happily. Quil looked like he might have wanted to disagree, but Rosalie silenced him with a glare. She pulled the fork out of the wall, and then gave Jacob one last significant look.

Edward appeared at the top of the stairs. "What did I miss?" he asked.

* * *

_As of this chapter, _Three too Many _is longer than _Insert Fail Symbolism Here_, and I've still got ten chapters to go. Dang. _

_I fell like I should update my profile page, but I don't know what to put there. I'll probably just come up with something absolutely random._


	18. Preparations

"I don't like this," Edward repeated as the carriage carried Sue and Edward back to Sue's house.

"You might not want to tell her that," Liaf said. "I think she's having another one of her random spaz attacks. She looks kinda like she might faint. Again."

Sue was indeed rather pale (even compared to Edward). She was also breathing rapidly and swaying in her seat.

"Meh," Edward said. "She'll be fine. Heroin's _tough._"

Liaf made no reply to that statement.

"But anyways, those wolves are just trying to win points with _my _Heroin," Edward continued. "I bet that mutt thinks he can act all heroic for her and she'll just fall in love with him! Unfortunately for him, Heroin would never fall for the obvious schemes of a dog."

"Because clearly, causing her to go into a panic attack is a strategy to win her heart," Liaf said.

"Exactly!" Edward agreed. "Hmph, that wolf thinks he's so smart, but I see right through his schemes!"

"Of course you do," said Liaf. "Anyways, We're here."

"Alright!" Edward said, pulling the half-conscious Sue out of the carriage and into the street. "Time to sneak past your psycho father!"

"M'kay," sue said sleepily. The duo stumbled a little on the curb—Edward's eye had _mostly_ healed, so he was back to just wearing an eyepatch—but made it up the steps to Sue's front door. Edward pushed her in and then dropped to all fours and began to crawl his way towards the stairs.

Sue staggered in, slowly becoming more aware but still reeling from panic and fainting spells.

"How was the party?" Charlie asked, casting a look over the back of the couch. His gaze skimmed right over Edward, who was making steady progress.

"Suckish," Sue said. "I hate Alice."

"It went alright then?" grunted Charlie. "Good."

Sue grumbled under her breath, and then followed Edward up the stairs. She entered her room, shutting the door behind her, and then began rifling through her clothes for something to wear for that evening's "training session." Jasper was in charge. Sue was scared.

"I sense that you're scared," Edward said.

"What are you, some kinda Jedi?" Sue grumbled.

"No, love, I'm a mind reading sparkly vampire," Edward said. "Though I did meet a Jedi once…" Sue gave him and odd look. "Hey, it is an official religion!" He protested. "Uh, anyways, I kinda got the idea that you were scared because you did just pass out twice, you're paler than my behind, and if you were shaking anymore you'd probably tear that shirt in half."

Sue looked down at the article of clothing she was holding, and loosened her grip. "Maybe I am a little worried," she said, "about this whole last battle thing. I mean, even the name sounds ominous. Alice says it'll be fine, but you know I don't really trust Alice…"

"Except for that time you jumped off a cliff because of what she said," Edward muttered.

Sue's eyes flashed. "Not a suicide! I just feel like something's going to go wrong. And even though Jacob and the rest of his wolf-brothers will be there, I don't feel any better. I'm worried about them, too, and what they'll end up doing. And on top of all that, I feel like there's still something I'm missing. Is it so wrong for me to be scared?"

"Yeah," Edward said with a shrug. "Now climb on my back—it's spider monkey time."

Sue sighed. But Edward told her too, and so she did. Edward dived out of the window, and they took off towards the clearing.

A few seconds later, the door opened, and Charlie poked his head into the room.

"Is everything alright, Sue, I thought I heard…" His eyes fell on the open window. The curtains were blowing softly in the evening breeze. Charlie's face slowly contorted into a mask of rage. "_Edward Cullen!"

* * *

_

"I thought I heard something," Sue said as Edward ran.

"Naw," he said, "You're just imagining things."

"If you say so," Sue said doubtfully. "Should you really be running like this with your vision?"

"No," Edward said, bouncing off a tree. Sue's arm smack painfully against the bark in the processes. She accumulated many more bruises before they reached the clearing. Finally they staggered into their destination, and Sue leaped off Edward's back.

"Oh, joy," said Rosalie. "Look who's finally here. Once the dogs arrive, we'll have a party."

"I love parties!" Alice said, clapping her hands in excitement.

Esme patted Alice's head, and then turned to Sue and Edward. "We're glad you could make it," he said. "Our other guests should be arriving soon, and then we'll get things started."

"Awesome," Edward said. "Hey, Jasper, I bet I can beat you on my first try!"

Jasper, crouching in the shadows of the trees, slowly tilted his head, turning eerily shining red eyes on Edward. Edward still seemed confident, but privately, Sue had her doubts.

"Mutts incoming!" Emmett called suddenly, and all gathered in the clearing turned their attention to its other end.

"Look at all the doggies!" Alice squealed. More than one sparkly palm rose to a sparkly face. The wolves edged away from Alice as they slid around the trees on the clearing's edge, coming a little closer, but not much.

"Can I have one?" Alice loudly whispered to Esme. Edward cleared his throat.

"We, uh, come in peace," Edward said, apparently translating for the pack.

Then, in a slightly different voice, he said, "You suck, Sam! Say it like you mean it!"

Edward paused tilting his head as if listening to something, and cast a quick look back at his family. "Disregard that last part. I wasn't supposed to translate that," he said, looking like he was restraining laughter. Then a look of shock stole across his face, and he turned his head to look at one particularly fierce looking light grey wolf, its fur just barely visible in the moonlight. "I haven't heard half those words before. You sound like Rosalie when she gets angry."

Rosalie gave him a snarl worthy of any of the wolves.

Carlisle cleared his throat. "Perhaps you could only focus on Sam's thought's, Edward. Our night hours are limited, and your girlfriend looks like she's just about ready to pass out. Again."

Edward shrugged. "Yeah, you're probably right. But man, if you could hear what some of these wolves are thinking. Especially you," Edward narrowed his eyes at the reddish wolf that Sue now knew to be Jacob. "I'm watching you."

The wolf rolled its large, glowing eyes.

"Anyway," Carlisle said with a sigh, and began to speak to the werewolves. "Jasper is our resident newborn expert, so he's going to be demonstrating for us fighting techniques that we could use against this army we're going to be facing. We'll all go through practice matches with him."

"I don't know much about vampire battles," Sue said, "but I feel like sending people to fight battles—even practice ones—against Jasper is a bad idea."

"Yeah, you're probably right, Girlie," Liaf said, watching interestedly as Jasper beckoned Emmett forward. "But I gotta say, I'm really looking forward to these."

"I think—" Sue began, looking down at Liaf, but she was cut off by a glittery white streak soaring past her. It crashed into the trees, knocking several over. Sue peered through the shattered wood only to find that the projectile was Emmett.

Sue let out a low whistle.

Jasper was patiently waiting for Emmett to stand back up—or for his next opponent to appear. The wolves were grumbling with surprise and perhaps a grudging admiration. Alice was applauding as she skipped over to Jasper. The Cullens all wore expressions of mild shock.

Liaf shrugged. "I suppose if he was in the Volturi for a while, he did have to do some work. And by work, I mean murder people Aro didn't like. And there were a lot of people Aro didn't like."

"Aro doesn't sound like a very good pope," Sue said.

"I think he's just in it for the hat," Liaf said.

"I think someone else better go ahead and take their turn," Carlisle called from the shattered hole in the trees.

"Oh! Me, me, me, me, me!" Alice said, jumping up and down.

"Oh, this one ought to be good," Liaf said, smirking a little.

Jasper and Alice took their fighting stances. And then, Alice closed her eyes.

Sue gasped a little. Even she knew that was probably bad fighting protocol.

Jasper charged forward. Alice smiled.

Jasper tackled her.

"The match goes to Jasper!" Esme said, obligingly acting as the referee.

Sue and Liaf stared. "Is that… is that really okay? Is she really going to be alright in this big huge bloody last battle?" Jasper stood up and offered his hand to Alice.

Liaf gave a little shrug. "It's Alice. If she even manages to find her way to the battlefield, I'd be surprised. Things will work out for her somehow."

"I'm up next," Edward said confidently, striding forward to face Jasper. Jasper nodded. They dropped into fighting crouches.

"Smash his face in… destroy that pretty mug of his…" Liaf muttered fervently. Sue gave him a concerned look.

"He'll have to do something without thinking," Alice said, walking over to them no worse for the wear. "Luckily, that's Jazz's specialty."

All of the sudden, Edward dropped to the ground and began screaming. Jasper dusted his hands off and walked over to Edward. Then he began kicking Edward in the stomach. Carisle hurried over to break the match up.

"Uh, what just happened?" Sue said.

"Jasper's freaky emotion-manipulating powers. Evidently they are good for something," Liaf said, nodding approvingly.

"But how could he manage to do that?" Sue said, watching in amazement as Carlisle pulled a slightly worse-for-the-wear Edward off the ground.

Alice shrugged. "He probably made Edward feel true, honest love. That would be too much for his heart to handle."

"Oh, I see," Sue said. Though she frowned a little.

As the night wore on, the rest of thee Cullens got a chance to fight against Jasper. All of the matches went quickly, Jasper using his experience for its maximum benefit, though Rosalie did manage to tear off one of his arms before he stopped her. As dawn was breaking across the sky, the wolves melted into the trees and Edward pulled a slightly-more-than-drowsy Sue to her unsteady feet. They followed the Cullens back to the woods. At least most of the Cullens.

"Everything still going according to plan?" Jacob said, stepping out of the trees in his human form.

"Yes," Rosalie said briskly. "The newborns are ready to serve as a distraction. They are also, I'm pleased to say, becoming more accurate with the crossbows. And judging from they steady panic level Sue seems to be maintaining, I assume that she will be just as unreasonable as we expected. You understand how this is going to work?"

"Yes, I have my part down," Jacob said. "Though I do have a question. If that pretty-boy vamp can read minds, wouldn't he know that we're plotting to kill him?"

"Oh, he does," Rosalie said dismissively. "That's why no one will ever think we really would kill him. We have too much motive."

"What?" Jacob said.

"Besides," Rosalie said with a wave of her hand, "if Edward paid attention to the thoughts of everyone who wanted to kill him, he'd never have time to screw with his little human toy."

"Right," Jacob said. "Well, uh, I'll see you later, I guess." He ran off into the trees, leaving Rosalie alone with the moon in the clearing.

"Soon, Edward Cullen," she said. "Soon, you will be dead, and I will be the main character!"

She through back her head and laughed, the sound fading into the night.

* * *

_Alright, I think I've officially decided. My absolute least favorite _twilight _character is Edward (Mary Sue doesn't count as a character). My favorite characters are Jasper, and Rosalie and Leah if they hadn't gotten hit with the SMeyer all-women-should-obey-their-husbands-and-be-baby-making-machines hammer. _

_Now, in other news, we're getting really, really close to _breaking dawn. _GASP! Yes, the moment we've all been waiting for since I began this parody a year and a half ago. And that means two things: first, as I've mentioned before, longer chapters. Second, it means that, being the last book in the series, I don't have to worry about messing the storyline up in the future. In other words, I can slaughter as many characters as I want to. _

_Throughout this series I've been deviating more and more from the main _twilight _storyline, and I'd like to do that in a major way in my parody of _breaking dawn. _So my first question (which can be answered by leaving a super awesome review or sending me a message) is, are you guys okay with that? Would it be cool if I made things end more the way I think they should have? And maybe commit some murder along the way?  
_

_My other question has to do with this: you might notice that Meyer attempts to change things up a little style wise, such as writing several chapters from Jacob's point of view. I think I'd like to do some similar style changing. For example, I think I'll probably end up writing those chapters from Jacob's point of view. I also think I might want to make the second and third parts of the parody a little more story based. Obviously, humor will still be the main focus of it, but maybe I could actually, like, pretend to be a real writer. What do you guys think of that?_

_Also, wall of text much? Congrats on making it all the way through._


	19. Road Trip!

After Sue had woken up what passed for the next morning and gotten cleaned up, she and Edward sat in her room staring at each other.

"Alright," Edward said. "The next fifty pages are pretty much just us talking."

"Yeah," Sue said. "And worse than that, it's us-trying-to-be-romantic-talking. With an almost-sex-scene thrown in there."

"Yup," Edward said. "I kinda wonder how anyone can sit through all those."

"Indeed," Sue said. "And since our author's humor is primarily based off of creating random situations, they really kinda suck to parody."

"And this is supposed to be a double chapter," Edward said.

"Awesome," Sue said. "There's no way we're going to be able to wring that much out of these two chapters."

"My thoughts exactly," Edward said.

"So what are we going to do?" Sue asked.

Edward threw the script out the window. The glass broke with an impressive crash. It really was a good thing that Charlie was off at "work."

"Dude, that window was totally shut," Sue said.

"And now it's not!" Edward said, getting to his feet. He pulled Sue onto his back, swept the remains of the glass from the window, and leapt outside. "Time to go do things that are actually interesting!" he said as they hit the ground.

* * *

"Dude," Sue said.

"What?" Edward asked, not taking his eyes of the screen.

"This is so not interesting," Sue said, crossing her arms and looking down at Edward from her perch on the couch in the Cullen's den.

"Dude, it totally is. Did you just see that—! Oh, you team killing sonofa!" Edward said, throwing his controller on the ground.

"If you weren't smart enough to see that coming, then we don't know each other near as well as I thought," Liaf said, shrugging and moving his character into position to shoot Edward again. Sue, ignored oce more, pouted.

"Dang it, this sucks!" Edward said, throwing his controller at the ground. Liaf looked rather smug as Edward pulled some pouting of his own.

"Is there seriously nothing else we could do to entertain ourselves?" Sue asked.

"Not in Sporks," Edward said. "We can't really go out in public because then your crazy dad could see me and in all likelihood, shoot me, and I'd like to avoid that. Oh, we could go to the timber museum! Nobody, not even Charlie, would go there."

"Pass," Sue said, raising a palm to her face.

"Hey!" Alice said, poking her head into the den, "I heard the sound of boring in here!"

"Oh dear god," Sue said. Alice remained unfazed.

"You know," Alice said, putting a finger to her chin, "we did just graduate, and I feel like we haven't had a chance to properly celebrate that fact."

"Don't woory, we totally have," Sue said quickly. "Remember, we had that super awesome party."

"No, no, that won't do at all. We need something more," Alice said, pursing her lips. "Something spectaculatar." Liaf and Edward had resumed their game as Sue and Alice spoke. At least, Sue though they had, judging by the number of punches they were throwing at each other.

"I know what we can do!" Alice said with a snap of her fingers. Sue braced herself. Edward and Liaf looked up at her curiously. "Road trip!" Alice sang.

"What?" Sue said blankly.

"Oh, well, this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen," Liaf said.

"Sweet, I'm in," Edward said.

"We've got two whole days before the awesome last battle," Alice said happily, "that should be more than enough time for us to make it to Vegas and back!"

Sue went pale.

"I'm not paying for the damages," Liaf said.

"Heck yes!" Edward cheered.

Jasper popped up from behind the couch. Sue promptly fell off it onto the floor. "Dang it, Jasper, do you really have to do that?" Sue grumbled. She could swear she saw him nod.

"Did someone say something about Vegas?" Rosalie said, appearing in the doorway.

"We're going to Vegas!" Sue distantly heard Emmett call from somewhere in the house.

"You kids have fun in Vegas," Carlisle said, walking past. "Esme and I will have_ fun_ here."

Esme's giggle came from the living room.

"Did someone say Vegas?" Jacob said, his shirtless top half appearing in the window.

"Oh, son of a laser shark, this is actually going to happen, isn't it?" Sue groaned.

"To the Cullen mobile!" Alice called.

* * *

The Cullen mobile turned out to be the impressively damaged motorhome that the Cullens still had sitting around. Sue wasn't sure quite what they had done to put it into that state, but it looked like there had been several bears living in it for an extended period of time. To complete matters, someone had written "Alice was here" on the side of it in neon pink letters. Sue had her suspicions about who the culprit might be.

Nevertheless, Alice was able to start it up as they all jumped into it. Sue did so rather grudgingly, but still. Not that she wasn't excited to go to Vegas—C'mon, Vegas!—but she was well aware that the only way this could end was in disaster.

Rosalie and Emmett quickly laid claim to the bedroom of the motorhome—Sue didn't want to think about what they were going to use it for—while everyone else—Edward, Sue, Jasper, Liaf, and Jacob, who had somehow managed to get himself an invite (Sue suspected he had managed that be simply asking Alice) made themselves comfortable in the living space of the motorhome.

"Is this really a good idea?" Sue asked, settling on a couch, with Edward beside her. "I mean, you're going to be fighting a battle in two days. Should you really be going to Vegas beforehand?"

"Clearly you've never been in a battle, girlie," Liaf said, opening up the fridge, and pursuing through the blood packs inside. "You party before the battle, just in case you don't live to go to the after battle party."

"Don't… live?" Sue said, her face now taking on a slightly green tinge.

"Ah, man, did you have to say that?" Edward said. "Now I'm gong to have to spend the next two hours trying to calm her down."

"When were you ever in a battle?" Jacob asked Liaf.

"The stories I could tell, dog," Liaf said.

"Why are you even here, Jacob?" Sue asked.

"The alternative is staying at home and listening to my dad and your dad scream at the TV," Jacob said. "I think I'll take Vegas."

"No, I mean, why were you at the Cullen house in the first place?" Sue clarified.

"Oh, that's easy," Jacob said. "I'm stalking you."

Edward growled. "Why would you..." Sue began to ask.

"Alright, everyone," Alice's voice came over an intercom from the driver's compartment. "I think I've figured out how to drive this thing. Hold on tight!"

"Should Alice really be driving?" Sue managed to squeak before the Cullen-mobile hurtled into motion and sent basically everyone flying.

"Dear god!" Edward said, grabbing onto the edge of a counter as he hurtled past.

"That would be a no," Liaf said, hanging off the door of the fridge. The blood packs had spilled everywhere, and one had burst open. It looked impressively like someone had just been murdered.

Eventually, Alice left the extremely curvy forest road that lead to the Cullen house, and reached the highway, which was marginally better. Everyone was able to get into a secure sitting position.

"Jesus, did you let Alice drive this or something?" Rosalie snarled as she staggered out of the bedroom. "Emmett and I were about to…" She took in the members of their little group present in the main area. "Wait, you actually did let Alice drive this thing? How stupid are you?"

"Stupider than people have any right to be," Jacob said, before opening a window and throwing up.

"Vegas, here we come!" Alice chirped over the loudspeaker.

* * *

Somehow, Alice managed to get them to Vegas by mid-afternoon. The group was not as happy about that as they could have been, considering they had spent the whole drive fearing for their lives, but still. Everyone watched thankfully as the lurid glow of Vegas rose up before them.

"So seriously," Jacob said, "you want to marry into this family?"

"They really aren't that bad," Sue said, slowly releasing the deathgrip she had on her seatbelt. Being the most fragile member of their party, she had decided some precautions would be wise and so had settled into the seat next to Alice up in the driver's compartment, Jacob joining her after a few minutes. She was pretty sure Edward and Liaf were off doing shots of blood mixed with tequila back in the main compartment. From the calls she could hear, Rosalie had joined them sometime after Alice evaded the second spike trap.

"Not that bad?" Jacob, sitting in the seat behind Sue, said incredulously. "I'm pretty sure we had like twenty cops chasing at one point!"

"Twenty-two!" Alice said, with a smile of pride. "The point is, we don't have any chasing us now!"

"That was a pretty sweet homemade explosive Emmett came up, I will admit," Jacob said. "Though I should probably a little concerned you killed twenty—"

"Twenty-two!" Alice said indignantly.

"Twenty-two cops in order to avoid a speeding ticket," Jacob finished.

"I'm more concerned with the fact that we had to go back to get their blood," Sue said.

Alice shrugged, full of her unique brand of innocence and absolutely no trace of remorse. "The way they're going through our supplies back there, we were going to run out sooner or later. And you usually don't want to drink the blood in Vegas. Who knows what could be in there?"

Jacob shuddered. "And see? This is the reason why I don't get how you can be around these guys all the time."

"Watch out for Jasper," Sue said.

"Wha-?" Jacob said, before looking to the side and seeing Jasper sitting in the seat next to him, which had been unoccupied until about five seconds ago. Jacob screamed. Jasper stared at him.

"And how about that?" Jacob said, jabbing his finger at Jasper. "How do you get used to that?"

"You don't," Sue and Alice said together, Alice brightly and Sue gloomily.

"Are we almosht there?" Edward said, staggering into the compartment—not just because of Alice's driving at this point-and leaning heavily on the back of Jasper's chair.

"Can you see the city, vampire?" Jacob said sarcastically. Edward squinted.

"I can shee lots of citiesh, dog," He said. "Which one goin' ta?"

"The bright one!" Alice said.

"Yeah," Edward said. "'s bright." And then he passed out on the floor.

Sue poked him. "Should he really be this drunk _before _we get to the city?"

"Everyone else back there is probably worse," Alice chirped, taking her eyes off the road, which, yes, did unnerve Sue just a little. "We'll just pour some blood and coffee into them, and they'll be fine by the time we finish checking into the hotel."

Sue looked around excitedly as they drove through the city. It certainly did seem like the type of place the Cullens would like to go for a vacation. Though judging by the costumes some of the women she saw were wearing, this wasn't really the kind of city she wanted Edward to be running around.

"Man," Jacob said, "Quil is going to be sorry he missed this. Or, actually, since he's off screwing with a two-year-old, maybe not."

"That's still really creepy, by the way," Sue said.

"Oh, wait, it'll get worse," Jacob said.

"How?" Sue asked. Jacob only gave her a smile. Sue didn't like that smile at all. They pulled up in front of what seemed to be an impressively ritzy hotel, and after a moment of debate, decided to leave Jasper to take care of the other Cullens while Sue, Alice and Jacob checked in. Sue didn't know how smart of an idea that was, but Alice seemed to think Jasper could take care of it. The walked into a lobby that seemed to be all crystal chandeliers and marble

"We're seriously going to stay here?" Sue whispered to Alice.

"Of course!" Alice said with a smile. Sue and Jacob trailed behind her as she walked around a fountain towards the check-in counter. Alice looked rather like a child as she stood before it. The smartly dressed lady raised an eyebrow at the three seeming teenagers before her.

"Hello," she said, "Do you have a reservation?"

Alice handed her a black card, which the woman took with her eyebrow still raised. She swiped it into her computer, and the second eyebrow joined the first. The woman turned and hurriedly whispered to a man behind her, who ran off. "Welcome, Miss Cullen and company," she said, recovering some of her dignity. "We're so pleased to have you back."

"Thank you," Alice said graciously. "Is our normal suite ready?"

"Yes, yes," the woman said. "They're just ensuring it's up to your standards right now." The woman reached beneath the counter and took out a packet of card keys. She handed them to Alice and then gave her a bow. "We'll have your bags sent up right away," the woman said.

Alice gave her a nod, and they began walking across the grandiose lobby towards the elevator. "Carlisle keeps a room rented here, just in case he or another of us wants to come out here. It gets a fair amount of use, and Carlisle pays _very _well for the space."

They met the rest of their group, who were still wincing slightly or holding their heads, halfway to the elevator. "Hello, everyone," Alice chirped. "Are you ready to have some fun?"

Rosalie glared at her.

They climbed into the elevator. Alice pressed all the buttons.

"Where are we going?" Sue asked.

"The top floor!" Alice said with a smile. Sue looked. There appeared to be forty-two floors in all. Sue sighed as the elevator made the first of what would be many stops. "Alright, so what are everyone's plans for tonight?" Alice asked. "Jasper and I are hitting the casinos!"

"Emmett and I will take care of ourselves," Rosalie said. Emmett opened his mouth, probably to elaborate, but Rosalie elbowed him in the gut.

"I'm going to go corner a lot of pretty, drunk women in dark alleys and then drink their blood," Liaf said. Everyone gave him a look ranging from mild disapproval to outright disgust. Jacob looked something close to horrified. "What?" Liaf said. "Oh, come on, you've all done it before."

"True," Rosalie said, "Except with men. But at least I have the tact not to state it so bluntly."

"Meh," Liaf said. "I see no reason to lie."

"_I _won't be doing anything of the sort," Edward said. "Heroin's enough for me." Jacob glared at him.

"Excellent," Jacob said. "I'm actually too young to do pretty much anything in Vegas, so I'm probably just going to sit here and think about Sue until it gets to be too much, and then go engage in copious amounts of underage drinking from the minibar."

Liaf gave him a look of pity. "You can come with me if you want, wolf-boy."

Jacob grimaced a little. "I appreciate the offer, but I'm afraid I'm going to pass. You know, we werewolves are actually supposed to protect humans. I totally would be trying to stop you right now, but I'm kinda on vacation."

"I've got something better!" Alice sung. "A fake ID!" She handed it to Jacob.

"Wow, this is actually really good," Jacob said, inspecting it. "It even looks like me. Where did you get it?"

"Jasper's good at making stuff!" Alice said. Sue and Jacob looked at Jasper. He spun a pen in his hands and looked as close as he ever got to smug.

"Well, thanks, you guys," Jacob said. "Now I can engage in public underage drinking."

They continued discussing their plans as the elevator made its slow climb upwards. Thanks to Alice's antics, their luggage had already arrived by the time they reached the suite. It was, to Sue's untrained eye, pretty freaking awesome, though filled with a lot of breakable and expensive looking things. Given that Carlisle rented this place out regularly, Sue wondered how often they had to be replaced.

"Sue, come here!" Alice beckoned her over to the room she and Jasper were sharing. Curious, Sue walked in to see Alice holding a shimmery, short red dress out. "I brought it for you~!" Alice said.

"Er, thanks, Alice," Sue said. "But the neckline is a little…"

"Not low enough?" Alice said with a frown. "I have a bunny girl costume that shows more, but I was kinda planning on wearing that myself. I suppose I could…"

"No, thanks for the dress Alice, bye!" Sue grabbed the dress, and then darted out of the room and ducked into the bathroom to put it on. If she didn't, Sue was sure Alice really would make her wear the bunny costume.

Everyone except Jacob and Edward had already left by the time Sue stepped out of the bathroom, and Edward had changed into a flashy formal outfit. He nodded his head in Sue's direction and mouthed "mine," at Jacob with a smirk as she walked over to them. Jacob crushed an expensive, fragile object in one hand.

"Erm, well," Sue said, "shall we get going?"

"Why, yes, we shall, _my _dearest Sue," Edward said, taking her arm and then looking over his shoulder and sticking his tongue out at Jacob. "Well, you have fun all alone tonight, wolf!"

Jacob made a rude gesture as they swept out of the room.

Edward brought her to what actually seemed like a nice restaurant, to her surprise. He gave his name to the hostess, and they were immediately escorted through the main room of the restaurant to a staircase. "Where are we going?" Sue asked Edward, confused.

"You'll see," he said, giving her a smile as they reached the top of the staircase, and stepped through a door.

"Oh, wow," Sue said with a gasp. They were on the roof of the building, the lights of Las Vegas all around them. All the tables up here were empty, though one had several candles burning on it. "Oh, Edward, is this for us?" Sue asked happily.

"I thought this would soften you up," Edward said, smiling, as the waitress departed. "Er, I mean, I thought you would like this."

"Oh, I do, Edward!" Sue said, sitting at the table. "It's so romantic, just you and me and the stars."

"Yes," Edward said, sitting across from her. "Carlisle told me about this place."

They talked for a while, passing away the evening. The food at the place turned out to be quite delicious too. Sue ate both her and Edward's meal. Finally, Edward cleared his throat, and Sue realized she was about to hear the real reason Edward had set all this up. "There are some things I wanted to talk to you about, so I figured I should make use of this opportunity. You remember we talked about marriage before?"

"Did we?" Sue gave him a wary look.

"I actually have no idea, but it says in the script that I did, so yeah," Edward said. "Anyway I was wondering if you were still adverse to the idea?"

"Dude, I'm like barely eighteen," Sue said. "Even without considering the fact that you're like ninety years older than me, getting married at my age is kind of awkward."

"Yeah, that's the general opinion. But if I—you—want to have any chance of getting some, we have to get married," Edward said with a shrug.

"What the? Who actually believes in abstinence?" Sue said.

"People who are already married," Edward said. "But yeah, anyway, that's how it is. Laws of the book universe and all. Nothing we can do about it. So, I was wondering," Edward stepped off to the side and then knelt down. He pulled a small box out of his coat pocket. Sue brought her hands to her mouth in that obnoxiously happy kind of shock. "Mary Sue Swan, would you—"

He was cut off by a shrill scream that broke off into a gurgle.

"What was that?" Sue said, standing up and staring at the edge of the building.

"Oh, for the love of…" Edward said, snapping the box closed and walking over to the edge. "Liaf, you son of a *****! Go find some other alleyway!"

"Well hello there, Pretty-boy!" came Liaf's voice. "Fancy meeting you here! How goes your evening? _Mine _is going good so far."

"I was having a perfectly good time until you showed up and killed the moment!" Edward shouted back. "look, would you just—is that our waitress?"

"It was your waitress," Liaf said. Sue decided it probably was better to not look, she settled back into her seat.

"Dang Liaf, would you…"

"Edward!" came Alice's voice. "What are you doing up there?"

"Alice?" Edward said. "Weren't you and Jasper gambling?"

"We were," Alice said cheerfully, "but they kicked us out. They thought Jasper was counting cards."

"Of course they did," Edward groaned. "Look, would you all just please…"

"Can I come up there?" Alice said. "It seems fun!"

"Oh, forget it," Edward groaned. "I give up. Let's just go back to the room." He opened the box again, walked over to Sue, and shoved the ring on her finger. She blinked. Then he pulled her out of the restaurant, and they met Liaf, Jasper, and Alice on the street. Liaf was using a red-stained handkerchief to wipe his fingers. They swept back to the room, Edward fuming the whole time. Sue was absent-mindedly twisting the ring on her finger.

Jacob was back at the room, taking a breather from bar was sitting on the couch, and looked up as they entered. "Well, well there, vampire," he said, vaguely gesturing at Edward. "Ya don't look so shmug now."

Edward glared at him, and the grabbed Sue's left hand. "Checkmate, wolf," he said with a smirk, waving it through the air. Sue's ring sparkled in the room's lights.

"Oh yeah?" Jacob said shaking a finger at Edward. "We'll shee about that. You have to shurvive the super deadly last battle first."

"Oh crap, I almost forgot about that!" Sue said, latching on to Edward's arm. "Edwaaard!" She wailed. "I have dependence issuuues!"

"Ah, man," Edward said, trying to shake her off. "Look, I'll only be gone for like an hour when we're fighting, and nothing's going to happen to me."

"No!" Sue said, pouting. "You have to abandon your family to stay with me, or no sexy time for you!"

"Eff!" Edward said. "Why are we together again?"

"Because no one else would take us?" Sue said.

"Oh right," Edward sighed. "Now get drunk so I can drink your blood."

* * *

_DISCLAIMER: THIS CHAPTER, LIKE MOST OF MY CHAPTERS, DEALT WITH THINGS THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER DO AND THAT I IN NO WAY ENCOURAGE. SUCH BEHAVIORS INCLUDE, BUT ARE NOT LIMITED TO, DRINKING, UNDERAGE DRINKING, MURDER, SEXUAL COERCION, AND THE USE OF FAKE IDS. THESE CHARACTERS ARE IDIOTS, DON'T BE LIKE THEM.

* * *

_

_This chapter kinda warranted that. Remember: what happens in Vegas, tends to get spread around. _


	20. Hey Look, Consequences!

"Dear sweet god, my head," Sue groaned, slowly coming back to consciousness. The floor swayed disconcertingly under her, which definitely did not help matters.

"Do you have to be so loud?" Edward groaned back. Sue managed to get herself into a sitting position, and found she was on the couch in the Cullen Mobile. From the uniformly green, depressing scenery she could see through the window, they were almost back in Sporks. From the way they were swerving across the road, Alice seemed to be driving again. Which was just thrilling.

Sue squinted through the light—which seemed to far too bright for a rainy day—and saw that the other members of their little group were spread throughout the Cullen Mobile, in various states of hangover. Edward was propped up next to Sue, an arm thrown over his eyes. Liaf sat slumped at the little counter. Jacob, still unconscious, was spread-eagle on the floor. Rosalie and Emmett seemed to be lying on the bed. Jasper was crouching in the corner, watching them. Sue couldn't really tell if he had a hangover. Come to think of it, she couldn't really remember if he had actually drunk anything. Come to think of it, she wasn't really sure if she had ever seen Jasper open his mouth before. She vaguely wondered how he had managed in school.

"How did we get here?" Sue asked, her voice a near whisper.

"Well, after I made you do all those shots and then drank your blood, I made you do more shots, and then drank your blood again…" Edward said thoughtfully. "The combination of tequila and large amounts of blood loss made you get really, really, drunk, interestingly enough. So yeah, at that point, I think everyone just passed out, and Alice probably just tossed us in here come morning."

Blood loss and a hangover, huh? Sue glared at Edward. "Why are you all such a mess?" She asked, waving to all the hungover vampires. "I thought you got over this really quick."

"Recovery time is proportional to amount drunk," Edward said with a shrug. Liaf groaned. "I think the wolf will probably be the worst off, though, once he wakes up. I think he got in a drinking contest with Rosalie."

"And lost!" Rosalie called from the bedroom, her voice filled with weak triumph.

"Yes," Edward said, "but it was closer than it should have been."

"Hey guys!" Alice's voice came bursting over the intercom, full of perky Alice happiness that was the last thing any of them wanted to deal with in their present states. A rousing round of whispered obscenities echoed throughout the motor home. "We're almoooost there! Just a few more minutes, and I'll have you back home so you all can begin your battle preparations!"

"Oh dear god, I forgot we have a battle to take care of," Rosalie moaned.

"Why on earth did we think it was a good idea to drink so much?" Edward said, echoing Rosalie's sentiment.

"Because we were drunk," Liaf said, resting his head on the counter.

"Oh, right," Edward said. "Well, at least if they kill us now, they'd probably be doing us a favor."

"Somebody mix up some of that vampire hangover cure," Rosalie ordered. "We can't fight like this. _Sue _could probably take us down in our present state."

"Not in _her_ present state," Edward said, poking Sue, who had gone back to lying curled up on the couch. She had buried her head in a pillow in an attempt to block out all light and sound.

Just then, Alice turned onto the Cullen driveway, with all its lengthy, curvy, poorly-maintained-road joyness. All conversation ceased as the members of their party began holding on for dear life. All (except Jasper) breathed a sigh of relief when they finally came to a stop.

And then Carlisle through open the door of the Cullen mobile, letting in a shaft of sunlight that, for all its haziness, burned like the heart of the sun. "Who's ready for some battle preparations?" he sang.

A wave of grumbles loaded with subdued anger was his only answer. Carlisle sighed. "I thought you all might need the hangover cure, so I made a batch. Esme!" he called. Esme presently arrived, carrying a pitcher of something. Sue wasn't quite sure what, but she was glad she wasn't the one drinking it. Esme poured some of the substance into several cups, and began passing it out to the hungover vampires.

Edward grimaced as he drank, but it seemed to have an effect as he immediately sat up a little straighter. "Alright, so what's our plan for the battle?" he asked Carlisle.

"We don't have one," Carlisle said with a shrug.

"Oh," said Edward. "Wait, isn't that bad?"

"Depends, Pretty-Boy," Liaf said. "Do you want to survive?"

"See, we put Jasper in charge of planning the battle on our end, and the wolves put Jacob in charge of planning their part," Carlisle looked down at Jacob, who still looked like he had no intention of waking up anytime short of never. "Do you think we should give him some of the hangover cure?"

"Sure, why not?" Edward said with a shrug. "He's a pretty strong wolf, so he'll probably not die. It's a risk I'm willing to take."

"I feel like I should be protesting this, but my head hurts too much for me to care," Sue said, watching as Edward carefully tipped a cup of the stuff into Jacob's open mouth. It sizzled. Sue was pretty sure that was bad.

Jacob shot up, choking. "What the-?" he gurgled, and then managed to swallow and said, "I feel like I just got torn into pieces and then put back together… how much did I… hey, wait, that's weird, the hangover pain is fading… okay, confused now."

"See!" Edward said. "Worked just fine!"

"Excellent," Carlisle said. "Now what?"

"Now, we send him running off into the woods with Girlie, while the rest of us splash some of Sue's blood in a trail leading to the battlefield. Then, we get ready to take down this little vampire army," Liaf said.

"Works for me," Carlisle said. "But where are we going to get enough of Sue's blood? From the remarkable pallor she's currently exhibiting, I imagine she was providing a large amount of Edward's drinks last night. If we take anymore, we could possibly kill her. Which would defeat the whole purpose of this last battle."

"Her blood is easy enough to get," Liaf said, "We'll just take some of Edward's stash."

"Wait, what's the purpose? of the battle" Rosalie asked, walking into the main room of the Cullen Mobile, and perching on the counter.

"Don't you remember? This whole army is trying to kill Sue," Carlisle said.

"No, actually," Edward said, "I'm pretty sure we skipped that part. Besides, that seems a little fishy. I mean, why would anyone be so intent on killing Sue? You usually have to have a personality to offend people, and I'm pretty sure she never had one of those. Isn't that right, Heroin?" He said affectionately, nudging her. She grunted. "Oh yeah, you've still got a hangover, right? Well, all the more reason to send you off with the dog! He gets to deal with you being in a bad mood."

"You suck, vampire," Jacob grumbled. He walked over to Sue. "Alright, did you have any place in particular that you wanted me to take her?"

"I know the perfect place up in the mountains," Rosalie said. Jacob looked over at her. "I can show you on a map, and then Edward can meet you there and take over Sue-watching duties while we fight the battle."

"What!" Edward said, dismayed. "Do I have to?"

"Dependence issues…" Sue muttered, her voice muffled once more by the pillow.

"I distinctly recall her saying about something 'no sexy time,'" Rosalie said, her lips curling slightly. "That seems like the type of thing that would distress you."

"Dang!" Edward cursed. "You're right. Alright, let's take Heroin back to the main house and check out these maps of yours."

"My, Rosalie, you seem to be being unusually helpful," Carlisle noted.

Rosalie shrugged, managing to be casual and graceful at the same time. "Well, ever since I and dearest Sue had our little talk, we've understood each other much more. Isn't that right, Sue?" Sue grunted again. Jacob slung her over his shoulder and he and Edward left the motor-home. Rosalie followed behind them. After a moment, Liaf followed too.

"Well then, now that that's taken care of, let's make our own preparations for this battle, shall we?" Carlisle said to the rest of the Cullens.

"Yay!" Alice said.

* * *

"Alright," Rosalie said, "You both understand the location?" she gave Jacob a significant look.

"Yup," he said, smiling back and shifting Sue on his shoulders.

"And try not to have too much obnoxious romantic conversation on the way up there," Rosalie said. "Cause if you do, we're not going to show any of it."

Sue pouted.

* * *

**A WHOLE LOT OF ALMOST-ROMANTIC CONVERSATION LATER…**

It was snowing as Sue and Jacob began to approach the campsite. Jacob had run the whole way while carrying Sue, proving that he was in fact good for something. Her hangover had gradually faded during the long trip.

"… When are you going to realize you love me too?" Jacob said, finishing up their conversation.

"At the worst possible time, probably," Sue said.

"Awesome," Jacob replied, exhausted by the lengthy and interesting conversation they had just had. They lapsed into silence for the next few seconds.

"Oh," Sue said, suddenly remembering something, "Edward told me something about you the other day, and it's going to be an important plot point, so I should probably mention it."

"Oh joy," Jacob said. "You know what plot points mean? Jacob gets screwed over. Again. God, it sucks to be the guy who just can't take a clue."

"Yeah, pretty much," Sue said. "So anyways, you're second in the wolf pack, right?"

"Yes," said Jacob, "Though that's just cause Sam has control issues. I was supposed to be the leader, but that would mean taking on responsibility, and my attentions are currently occupied with stalking you."

"Yeah, seriously, isn't it time to get over your little complex here?" Sue said from the very dignified position of cradled in Jacob's arms. "I mean, I have a boyfriend, and clearly nothing will ever be able to tear us apart considering we don't exist except in the context of our relationship."

"Meh," Jacob said, "details. It won't matter soon anyways," Jacob said with a shrug. Sue thought she could see a campfire through the trees. They must be almost there.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sue demanded.

"Nothing at all," Jacob said, as they stepped into the clearing, where Edward sat. From the sound of things, he was playing Pokemon on a gameboy, and it didn't seem to be going well. Jacob sat Sue down and took a step back towards the trees. "Well, you have fun with your boyfriend. While you still can!"

Sue gave him a concerned look as he vanished into the woods, and then shrugged and went to Edward.

* * *

_I don't really have anything to say today, actually. I think I should update my profile page, but I don't know what I'd put there. Hmm._


	21. Guy Talk

Jacob's dramatic exit was slightly ruined by the fact that he came back like three seconds later in wolf form. He would switch places with Seth the next morning to go fight in the battle while Sue and Edward remained here. Until then, though, all they could do was wait.

Edward's gameboy had died about an hour after Sue arrived, and he didn't have anything else to do. At one point, he and Jacob had begun playing tic-tac-toe in the dirt, which was a rather odd sight. Edward kind of sucked at the game, but he had the advantage of being able to read Jacob's thoughts, so it was a pretty even match-up. Eventually, though, they had run out of room around their campsite, and now the three of them were just sitting there staring at each other awkwardly.

"So, uh," Sue said. "What now?"

"I don't know," Edward said. "I didn't really bringing anything to do since we kinda just decided this spur of the moment and all. We still need to work on that whole planning stuff out thing. I mean, I'm sure we could come up with something to do, but I don't think you want to try anything with the wolf watching."

"Eeew!" Sue and Jacob said simultaneously.

"Yeah, that's what I thought," Edward said with a shrug. "So we're going with plan B."

"What's plan B?" Sue asked. Then she began wavering on the tree stump she was seated on, ultimately falling over. Jacob gave her a concerned look, but she began snoring just a few seconds later.

"That," Edward said, "is plan B."

"You are such a weird person," Jacob said, poking Sue with a stick.

"Oh, relax," Edward said. "They're just sleeping pills. Sue tends to get emotional right around the climax of these books. And by 'emotional' I mean hysterical. And no one wants to have to deal with that. So I figured I'd just help matters along."

"Nice," Jacob said. "I've never understood what you and Sue see each other."

"It's fate or some junk like that," Edward said, tossing a twig on the fire. Twilight had fallen on them, and wisps of snow were starting to swirl through the trees, which was kind of odd considering it was summer, but whatever. "We're meant for each other, which basically means we're both such unrealistic characters that we really couldn't be with anyone else. But what about you? I could ask you the same question. What is it that you see in dear little Sue there?"

"More of that fate crap," Jacob said. "She's the future mother of the girl I'm going to screw, so until she pops that little sucker out, I have to follow her like a puppy dog. Pardon the pun."

"Seriously, out of that whole sentence, you choose to excuse the pun?" Edward said, raising one perfect eyebrow.

"Yup, basically," Jacob said. "So how about this question: do you ever wish we weren't bound by that crappy script? Do you ever wish that we could be free? That we could live how we want, to love who we want, without our lives revolving around this Mary Sue?" He gestured at Sue, who was mumbling in her sleep. From the sound of things, she was dreaming about both Jacob and Edward. Neither commented on this. "Do you wonder what it would be like to maybe have a chance to make mistakes, and grow a little from them? To have actual character development?"

"I think this chapter is supposed to be character development," Edward said, staring into the flames. Their light fell on his red eyes, and they shone eerily in the snowy night.

"But we're just supposed to spend the whole time talking about Sue," Jacob protested.

"Yeah," Edward said. "That's because that essentially is our characters: two desperate and gorgeous guys who are absolutely, madly in love with this absolutely unexceptional girl. I mean, think about it: how much do the readers actually know about me that isn't related to Sue or my physical appearance? What kind of things do I like? What are my hobbies? What the **** did I spend the last hundred years doing besides my hair and a lot of women? Nobody knows because I'm not supposed to be a real person. I'm just a hideous chimera of everything teenage girls thought they wanted until they grew up and realized that if they ever actually married me, they would be absolutely miserable and probably end up cheating on me with someone like Mike. Or Tyler Crowley."

"Hey guys! I haven't appeared in foreeeeever!" said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley brightly. He floated over and sat down next to their campfire.

"Oh god, did you really have to say that?" Jacob groaned to Edward. "Now he won't leave us alone all night."

"That's not very nice," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley said, his bottom lip quivering. "I've been so lonely! No one's come to see me in forever!"

"That's 'cause we all hate you," Edward said, tossing another twig on the fire.

The Ghost of Tyler Crowley burst into tears and flew behind a tree to hide.

Jacob stared after him. "That was kinda harsh," he said to Edward. "I k inda feel bad for the guy…"

"It's not a guy," Edward said, "It's a ghost. A really, really, obnoxious ghost."

"Cold man, very cold," said Jacob, rummaging through the camping equipment and pulling out a bag of marshmallows.

"My heart hasn't beat in a hundred years," Edward said. "I think it's to be expected."

"Yeah, sure," Jacob said, jamming a marshmallow on a stick. "But that's another thing. If you've been alive for a hundred years, shouldn't you be a little more… mature? Secure? Not a psychopathic control freak? Dating someone your own age?"

"You, Jacob Black, are the last person who should be talking to me about pedophilia," Edward said matter-of-factly.

"True," Jacob said, waving his marshmallow through the air to put out the flames. "It is kinda bad that the two major relationships of this series involve huge age differences."

"Not to mention Carlisle and Esme," Edward said. "That was a fun conversation. 'Hi there, I was born in England two hundred years ago and I'm a vampire and I love you.' Good thing Esme had his own issues, or that never would have worked out. And I think Jasper's got like thirty years on Alice. Rosalie's older than Emmett, but that relationship is creepy in its own way."

"Yeah," Jacob said, "Rosalie is kind of scary."

"She is indeed," Edward said. "But anyways, to answer your questions about my maturity, the super vampire venom chemicals that Carlisle injected into me also affected my brain. They acted as an antagonist that blocked the neurotransmitters that would have lead to eventual development of my brain, particularly in the amygdala and the social-norms-a.k.a.-not-stalking centers of my brain. As a result, they never fully matured. My frontal lobe development was also halted at an immature stage. In addition, other vampire chemicals acted as hormones that lead to wildly fluctuating emotions and also poor judgment. So basically, I'm frozen in the awkwardness of late adolescence for the rest of eternity."

"Wow," Jacob said, now eating his slightly charred marshmallow. "Sucks to be you."

"It does indeed, my ever so articulate furry of a friend," Edward said. "But at least I get the girl, instead of being stuck in a permanent friendzone. I mean, that's gotta truly suck. She tells you how perfect and wonderful you are and how much she cares for you, and then she runs back to a creeper like me."

"Yeah," Jacob said, "Stephenie Meyer was pretty spot-on with that part of high school relationships."

"Don't you think you should have moved on after like two years of her telling you this?" the Ghost of Tyler Corwley asked, floating out from behind the tree. "I mean, I'm not one to talk about moving on, but there's a difference between thinking you have a chance and just being plain old desperate."

"Shut up, Tyler," Jacob said absently. The Ghost of Tyler Crowley began to float back to the trees with a dejected look on his face. "There are times when a man needs to stalk an unobtainable woman for so long that she either dates him out of pity or resorts to violence. It's simply a matter of perseverance."

"That's the worst advice I've ever heard," Edward commented. In one superfast movement, he snagged a bunny that was sniffing that tent (which no one was actually using, since they had just left Sue sleeping where she fell) and carried it back to the fire. He then bit into its neck while Jacob watched with a disgusted expression. "Sue's still suffering from blood loss," Edward said with a shrug, which, judging by Jacob's expression, did not help matters at all.

"Well, whatever," Jacob said. "She totally loves me too."

"Which, while being a total cap-out, doesn't even remotely change anything," Edward said, setting down the remains of the bunny. "Look, kid, the way things are now, you don't have a chance with Sue. It's in the script."

"But what if the script didn't exist?" Jacob asked.

"Ha, good luck with that," Edward said, looking out into the snowy woods. "If the script didn't exist, well then, I'd… I don't know, go do something. Like maybe have an epic journey of real character development. And what about you? If the script didn't exist, would you still chase after Sue?"

"I guess so," Jacob said, "I mean, who else would I chase after? Besides random girls in the park."

"Dunno," Edward said. "But I mean, given the choice, and excluding the fact that she tastes delicious, who would really love Mary Sue? But of course, the question is moot. We deviate from, but can never escape, that script."

"I suppose you're right," Jacob said, his breath misting in the night air. It was snowing softly now, and very quiet since they had stopped talking. Nothing but white—except for a little flash.

"Hey, vampire," Jacob said. Edward looked over at him, but Jacob's attention was fixed on the woods.

"Oh, relax," Liaf said, appearing in their little clearing. "I just came to give Edward something." He gestured with the parcel he held in one hand.

"What is?" Edward asked, getting to his feet.

"Well, you remember that bet we made back during _Taylor Lautner Shirtless, _right?" Liaf asked.

"No," said Edward.

"Yeah, well, we made a bet, and it's in there somewhere, so go look it up," Liaf said with a roll of his red eyes. "But anyways, I bet the day we left that you couldn't manage to stay away from your little girlie, and I was right."

"Dude, that doesn't count," Edward protested. "There was a whole sequence of events involving interdimensional travel and _Alice_."

"Yeah, whatever," said Liaf, taking a few steps into the clearing. "The point is, a loss is a loss, and you _lost. _So, do you remember what you had to do on the day of my choosing?"

"It's cross-dressing, isn't it?" Edward said miserably.

"It's cross-dressing!" Liaf said happily, handing Edward the package.

* * *

_I have a lot of campfire scenes. Odd. Maybe it's a repressed childhood desire. _

_Okay, so random thought for this chapter of _eclipse_. Why didn't Edward just start a fire? In all that camping equipment, there had to be some matches or something. _

_But anyways, this chapter is actually pretty important. For my plot at least. I'm pretty sure it's just filler for Meyer. Along with an excuse to rip off _Wuthering Heights _more. But yeah, this is kind of hinting at the direction I'm thinking at going. _


	22. Werewolf Courtship Rituals

"Wow," Jacob said, stepping out of the tent and looking at Edward. "That's pretty legit."

"Yes, it is, isn't it?" said Liaf, admiring his handiwork.

"I hate my life," Edward groaned, walking over to the campfire and dropping to the ground. He hugged his knees to his chest, attempting to hide the little black dress he was wearing. "God, I'm glad I'm not fighting in that battle tomorrow. I'd hate to try and fight in this thing."

"Where did you even find that anyways?" Jacob said, walking over to the campfire and snagging the bag of marshmallows. He had just finished dropping Sue in the tent, making the decision to move her before she got so buried with snow that they couldn't find her anymore. He judged it to be sometime after midnight, and the snow had nearly ended, just drifting down in small flurries now. He wasn't too cold, because he was a freaky werewolf and all and evidently he had developed heat resistant proteins in his body along with a ridiculously high body temperature for no apparent reason. He didn't even need to wear a shirt, which was good, because he didn't own any.

"I 'borrowed' it from Rosalie," Liaf said with a shrug. He was already seated on one of the logs around their campfire.

"Oh, that's just awesome," Edward said with another groan. "You realize she'll kill me if she saw me wearing this, don't you?"

"Yeah," Liaf said. "I'm kinda hoping for that."

"Man," Edward sighed, "why does everyone want me dead?"

"Well, you did kinda take the girl I'm supposed to be in love with," Jacob said, "and we're like, super racist against each other too. Werewolves and vampires and all that stuff."

"And you've spent the last hundred years making my life a living hell," Liaf said.

"From what Sue told me, everyone at your school hats you because you're a huge jerk, and your hair looks really stupid," Jacob said.

"Rosalie hates you because you're demeaning to women, and because you take all her screen time, giving her like two scenes in the like two thousand pages of this series," Liaf said.

"The Ghost of Tyler Crowley hates you—well, as much as he can hate anyone—because you took Sue, and he actually likes her. Also, you're kinda mean to him. Oh yeah, and you also kinda caused his death when you rolled his van off Sue," Jacob added thoughtfully.

"I'm still here!" the Ghost of Tyler Crowley said.

"And Jasper hates you because you make fun of him all the time, because of your stupid hair, and because he suspects that you're responsible for that time thirty years ago when the Volturi Guys kidnapped him. Also, he hates having to deal with your emotions. You're either in the deepest pits of angst or being a pervy jerk," Liaf said. Jacob gave him a curious look. Liaf shrugged. "Jasper keeps a diary."

"Right," Jacob said, beginning to roast another marshmallow, ensuring to keep it safely out of the fire this time. "And Leah hates you because—"

"Alright, alright, I get it!" Edward said, scowling. "Geez."

Liaf shrugged. "You asked, Pretty-Boy."

"Yeah, remind me never to do that again," Edward said. "Well, awesome. Wolf, shouldn't you be getting to bed? You've got a big scene tomorrow. You've also got a fight to fight."

"Oh, right," Jacob said, inhaling his marshmallow. "Yes, I do have some important things to take care of tomorrow, don't I? Wouldn't want to be at less than my best for them!" He stood up and walked into the tent, laughing quietly under his breath. Liaf looked at him curiously and then shrugged. Edward stared into the flames, determinedly not thinking about the dress he was wearing.

The snow fell around them, and night slowly passed.

* * *

Sue awoke to a bright and cheery morning.

_Oh, look what a bright and cheery morning this is! Surely nothing bad could happen on such a lovely morning as this._ She unzipped her sleeping bag, stepping out into the crisp air. She hummed a little as she stepped over Jacob and walked outside to where Edward and Liaf were still sitting. Sue then stopped dead.

"What are you wearing?" she asked Edward. _She _never even dared wear something like that. It was wrong in more ways than one that Edward was.

"I don't want to talk about it," he groaned.

"Look," Sue said, "if you're going through some kinda phase, then I think we do need to talk about it…"

"No!" Edward said quickly, "it's nothing like that. I did all that stuff years ago. Look, I just lost a bet, alright?"

"Oh," Sue said. "Now that I can believe. So, what's for breakfast?"

"Rabbit," Edward said, nodding towards the object spitted over the fire. "It wandered into our camp last night, and I figured, waste not, want not!"

"That's kinda gross," Sue said, walking over to the logs around the fire. She brushed the snow off one and than sat down. It was much warmer this morning. Good thing those plot device snowstorms passed quickly. "So when's the battle start?"

"Soon," Liaf said. "Alice said she'll text me when it's time to head down there. Someone should probably go wake the wolf up."

"I know how we can do that," Edward said, brightening up. He raised his voice. "Oh, your ring looks so lovely in the sunlight, dearest! I'm so glad we're getting _married_!"

Sue nearly choked on her rabbit. "I'm not even wearing my wedding ring," she sputtered once she had managed to swallow.

"You're getting _married?_" Jacob said ominously, standing over Sue, casting her in his shadow.

"Told you that would wake him up," Edward said in a self-satisfied way. Sue shot him a glare before setting down her paper plate of rabbit and attempting to pacify Jacob.

"Look, it's not that big of a deal, alright? I mean, you knew I was eventually going to get vamped, cursing myself to spend and eternity with him one way or another, so marriage really isn't any different. It's nothing to get upset about," Sue said soothingly.

"Well, aren't we just a charming little hypocrite this fine morning?" Liaf said with a little smirk. Sue shot him a glare too.

"Besides," Sue added, "I have to marry Edward if I want to have sex with him."

Jacob did a spit take. Somehow. "The thought of you two having sex is somehow the most mentally scaring thing I've ever seen, and being one of a clan of pedophile werewolves, I've seen some pretty disturbing things."

"I'll say," Edward said, shuddering a little at some of Jacob's thoughts.

Jacob gave him a contemptuous look. "You in that dress is pretty dang disturbing in itself."

Edward shrugged. "I bet I pull it off better than you could."

"First," Sue said, interrupting their conversation, "that's debatable. Second off, is that really something you should be proud off? Third off," she turned to Jacob, "don't you have a battle to run off and fight? Fourth off, my rabbit is getting cold, and I've decided that I actually kind of like it, and so I would appreciate it if you all would shut up and let me eat in peace."

Jacob tore off a small piece of rabbit, and chewed thoughtfully for a few seconds. Then he looked back to Sue. "Yes," he said mournfully, tragically, "I suppose you're right. And not just about the rabbit. I do have a battle to go off and fight, since you're so eager to send me to it. I suppose that maybe I'd be doing you a favor if I went and got myself killed, since you're incapable of making up your own half a mind. Well, then, I guess this is goodbye, Sue. Goodbye forever. It was nice knowing you."

"Wait, what?" Edward said.

Sue choked on the rabbit again.

"Jacob!" she said, leaping to her feet after a few seconds chewing and swallowing. "You can't do that! You can't throw your life away! Think of how broken-hearted everyone will be!"

"Not really," Jacob said. "I don't really have friends because that would require Meyer to think about characters that aren't supernaturally gorgeous. And pretty much everyone in the pack hates me."

"What?" Sue said. "Why?"

"Because I get all the screentime and I'm kind of a jerk to them because I'm better than them and all that," Jacob said with a shrug. "They're a little sensitive."

"Oh," Sue said. "Well, you still can't go off and die. Because then I wouldn't get my happy ending. And I'll get my happy ending, even if I have to resort to deus-ex-machina to get it."

"The only reason you get a happy ending is because the script says so," Jacob scoffed. "Why should I have to do what the script tells me too?"

"But you always do what the script tells you too. Well, except for that time you almost raped Sue," Edward said, standing up and giving Jacob a challenging look over the fire. "After all, if you didn't follow the script, you wouldn't be lying to Sue to get her to kiss you, now would you? You said that you only loved Sue because the script said you had too!"

"What?" Sue said, eyes saucer-round, as she looked at Jacob. "Is that true? Tell me it's not true! Jacob!"

"For not loving him, she sure loves him," Liaf observed. Nobody really noticed at this point.

Jacob, panicking slightly, looked between Sue, who was panicking more than slightly, and Edward, who had a smug grin on his face. "Screw it all!" Jacob said, and then in two long strides was in front of Sue. He then swept her into a long, passionate kiss that made both Edward and Liaf produce disgusted sounds. This did not, however, stop Liaf from taking a picture of the scene and uploading it to facebook.

Their kiss was only broken when Edward leaped over the fire and punched Jacob in the face. It was a rather impressive feat, considering what he was wearing.

Still clutching Sue with one hand, Jacob rubbed his cheek. "Ow," he said. "But totally worth it."

Edward took a step back and glared at Jacob. "I'll take Sue back now."

"I have realized my feelings," Sue said. Her voice was monotone but her face was flushed. "I love you too, Jacob."

"No ****," Liaf said before Edward could manage to sputter anything. "Anyway, now that that little moment is over, we have to go, Wolf Pretty-Boy. You might want to put Edward's girlfriend down so we can go rip out some jugulars."

"Right," Jacob said, releasing his hold on Sue. She swayed slightly. "Well, see you losers later!" Jacob said as he ran out of the clearing behind Liaf.

All was quiet in the clearing for a moment as Sue regained her breath and Edward stared after Jacob and strangled the air.

Edward finally sighed and dropped his hands to his sides. "I'll give the wolf some credit," he said. "_That _is how you manufacture some conflict."

* * *

_Guess what guys? This is the official seventieth chapter of my _twilight _parody. Dang I've been doing this for a while. _


	23. Super Awesome Final Battle

"Okay, Heroin, you realized you love two guys at once," Edward said soothingly, and a touch warily. "You wouldn't be the first. But clearly, you love me more, and I'm not even sure what kind of purpose that scene actually served aside from fanservice and causing the Team Edward and Team Jacob fangirls to attempt to kill each other while they're waiting like five years for _breaking dawn _to come out. So just forget the wolf, because there is no way in heck that Meyer is going to write a scene where you decide to cheat on me. Let's accept the fact that you and I are stuck together for pretty much ever."

"But… but…" Sue sniffled. Edward caught the sight of the storm brewing in her eyes and reached for her.

"No, Sue don't—" he said frantically.

"EDWARD I'M SUCH A TERRIBLE PERSON YOU SHOULD HATE ME I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST KISSED HIM AND WE'RE NOT EVEN MARRIED MY SOUL IS SO GOING TO HELL ANGST!" Sue bawled.

Edward clapped his hands to his ears and then heaved a sigh. "Oh dear, capslock? We really must be getting close to the climax of this book," he said as Sue gasped for breathe.

"Yeah," Victoria said, poking her head out from behind a tree, "you would be right."

* * *

In the forest a short distance away from the clearing, Liaf darted through the trees, Jacob, in wolf form, trailing behind. Liaf was cracking his knuckles, already imaging killing some sparkly vampires, and so he didn't notice when Jacob stopped running. Besides, the wolves were fighting in a different location than the Cullens, it was no surprise that Jacob would choose to go a different way.

The large, reddish wolf did not have to wait long. After a few moments, Rosalie speed between the trunks, stopping next to him. Her red eyes shone with anticipation, and she smiled darkly.

"It's time," she said, and then they charged towards the clearing, where they could finally achieve their goal.

* * *

"Dude, this is so not what was supposed to happen," Edward said with a sigh, kicking dirt onto their fire. Because even he knew that forest fires were bad.

"Yeah, sorry," Victoria said with a shrug. "But you know, as much as I'd like to do the gene pool a favor and get rid of some of your family, you're the biggest threat to humanity right now."

"Hey," Edward said, walking in front of Sue, who was sitting on the log hyperventalting, "that sounds suspiciously like motivation. You're not allowed to have that."

"And why not?" Victoria said, putting her hands on her hips as her fiery reed hair writhed and twisted in the dramatic wind that had sprung up.

"For one thing, it's because this is _twilight_, and no character is allowed to have a deep and meaningful motivation like that," Edward said, "You either have to want to have a baby, or you have to want… whatever it is the Volturi want. I think it's Jasper. See, in the script, you're supposed to be all mad because I killed your boyfriend, therefore depriving you of a chance to procreate."

"Hey weird," Victoria said, taping a finger on her chin. "It's kinda like a game. In three steps, trace any_ twilight_ character's motivation back to the desire to have children."

"Yeah, see!" Edward said with a smile. "Also, you're a woman, so you don't get to have motivation."

A rock shot out of the trees and smashed into Edward's head. He crashed to the ground. Sue gasped. Rosalie stepped out of the trees, dusting her hands off.

"That, Edward Cullen," she said, "is for women everywhere."

"Dang it, Rosalie," Edward groaned as he sat up. Sue gasped again. "I know you want to kill me, but could you wait for another time? I'm kinda busy right now, and I'd really rather not actually die." He gestured towards Victoria, who was eying the lump on his head with approval.

"Ah, but you don't see," Rosalie said, slowly walking forward and laughing a little. It sounded to Sue like she'd been practicing her evil laughter. "This isn't like all the other times I've torn you into Edward-bits for annoying me. This time, Edward, will be the last."

"What?" Edward said, uncomprehending. And then his crimson eyes narrowed as he saw the truth in Rosalie's mind. "You… you've been conspiring this whole time! YOU were behind CAKE Society?" He paused. "What's CAKE Society?"

Rosalie slapped a palm to her face as she came to a stop beside Victoria. "Yeah, well, I left idiots in charge of all our previous plots, but we did try and kill you several times. We sent you a note, too."

"Oh yeah, I kinda remember," Edward said.

"You should have seen some of the things they came up with!" the Ghost of Tyler Crowley said cheerfully, poking his head out from behind a tree. "It was very creative and also violent!"

"Wait, you knew about this?" Edward said, just the faintest amount of growl in his voice, as he turned to the Ghost of Tyler Crowley.

He made a fainting "Eep!" and hide behind the tree. "Ummm…. maybe?" he said.

"I'll kill _you_!" Edward said, starting towards the trees, only to be stopped by Rosalie.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Rosalie said, tauntingly. "I might just kill your girlfriend."

"What!" Edward cried. "Not Heroin! What would I ever do without Heroin!"

"But, but, Rose," Sue stammered, her voice uncomprehending, her hands reaching out towards Rosalie, "why would you do this? Weren't we friends?"

"Yeah, that reminds me," Rosalie said. She quickly crouched down and snatched up another rock, launching it at Sue's head this time. Sue fell to the ground, out cold. "Now she won't remember a thing."

"Hmm?" Edward said, trying to figure out why that mattered. And then Wolf-Jacob stepped out from the tried with a fiendish, wolfish, chuckle.

"Oooo," Edward said with a low whistle. "Twistriffic."

"Yeah," Rosalie said as Jacob joined their line. "There are a lot of people who want to kill you, _brother_," she sneered.

"Well," Edward said, "This sucks."

"Yeah, kinda," Rosalie said, taking a few steps forward. "But you only have yourself to blame. If you hadn't decided to follow the script just because it made you the male lead, then none of this would have happened."

"Oh, is that what this is all about?" Edward said. He and Rosalie began to move side to side, waiting for an opening. Red eyes met red eyes. "Jealous, are we?"

Rosalie snarled. "You should never have been the main character! You don't deserve it! Besides, there's nothing even remotely interesting in your character. Dang it, your hair is brown! You just call it bronze because you have to be special! Even the wolf is a more interesting character than you!" Jacob began to nod his wolfish head in assent, and then stopped and glowered at Rosalie. "But this goes beyond that, Edward," Rosalie continued. "You're a menace to the world. Our world, the real world, every world you touch. So I'm going to stop this threat once and for all."

"You can try," Edward said, a contemptuous sneer dancing on his lips. The large amounts of skin exposed by his little black dress sparkled merrily in the morning sun, slightly belying his fighting crouch. "But you won't succeed. This is _twilight_, and as long as we're playing by its rules, you'll never win. Why don't you just run back to Emmett, and spend the rest of eternity wishing you could have his babies."

Rosalie didn't bother to respond to that, instead just racing forward, fangs bared. She and Edward blurred as they engaged in an actual legitimate fight scene in _twilight_, if you can excuse all the dancing metaphors. Crashes rang out as one or the other struck true. Jacob contributed by making a lot of hacking and growling noises, unable to join in the fight without hindering Rosalie. Victoria watched with a vague sort of interest.

No one noticed Sue stirring.

The battle had moved away from her while she was unconscious, and as she stirred, she turned her head towards the fighting. First with confusion, and then with growing horror. That was _her_ Edward fighting! He could get hurt!

Sue did the only thing a logical and thinking human being would do, and plunged a sharp rock into her arm.

At the scent of blood, Rosalie and Edward stopped fighting and looked over at Sue. Jacob also stopped his growling. Victoria joined them, and together they stared at Sue.

"Um…" Victoria said, "Why did she do that?"

"I'm not really sure," Edward said. "I think it's the wolf's fault for telling her stories. She's kind of impressionable."

Sue sat there holding her arm and a lazy rivulet of blood dripped down it, feeling more ridiculous by the second.

Jacob growled. Edward looked down at him. "What do you mean you only told her about laser sharks? Well, granted, I can see how spending time with you could make her want to kill herself, but she had to get the idea from somewhere."

"I'm pretty sure that's just her character," Rosalie said. "She has shown an alarming tendency to do herself harm. Remember that time when she jumped off a cliff and tried to hill herself?"

"That wasn't a suicide! Why won't anyone believe me?" Sue said desperately as she clutched at her bleeding arm.

"So, um, anyway, aren't we supposed to be like fighting?" Victoria said, looking back at Edward.

"Oh right," Rosalie said. She lunged at Edward. He turned to block her, but Jacob leaped at his blind spot and managed to get his teeth on Edward's arm. Sue screamed at the tearing sound (as well as Edward's screams) and snapped her eyes shut. Jacob then handed the arm to Rosalie.

Rosalie threw the arm at Sue, knocking her unconscious for a second time. "Let's hope she stays asleep this time. If she remembers this fight, wolf, I don't think she'll be too into you."

"Wait, wait, you intend to kill me and then take my girlfriend?" Edward said in disbelief as he clutched at his stump. "That sounds like something _I'd_ do! Aren't you acting a little evil, here, dog? Besides, two to one is totally not fair!"

"It's three to one, actually," Victoria said. She was crouched off to the side, poking Sue. "Just so we're clear."

"Sorry, Edward, but there are times when you act heroic and do the right thing, and there are times when you just screw it all and kill people until the problem is solved. In this case, you are the problem. So I'm going to kill you now," Rosalie said with a shrug. And then she darted forward. Edward, now slightly deficient in arm, couldn't stop her in time.

Her teeth went for his neck.

* * *

_I don't quite understand this chapter. Well, actually, I don't quite understand this book. There's all this foreshadowing about the third wife and everything, and then we've got like two pages of Sue angsting over whether or not she should do the same thing. But yet when it actually gets to her stabbing herself, all she does is give herself a cut on the arm. Clearly, Meyer likes building up huge amounts of drama and then forgetting that that should actually lead to something. Like a battle. I'm looking at _you, breaking dawn.


	24. All's Well That Ends Well?

"Heads!" Alice called. Rosalie swore, her teeth an inch away from Edward's neck. Alice shouting something like that was generally a bad sign.

Rosalie dove out of the way just as a horde of rabid twilight fangirls plowed into the clearing, engulfing Edward and Rosalie hoped trampling him. Their momentum carried Edward out of their clearing and into a second clearing against the cliff wall. Half a second later, a second mob pooled out from between the trees, and swept up Jacob. Rosalie sighed as the rest of the Cullen family emerged from the trees.

"We were in the middle of fighting them, but they caught Edward's scent and ran!" Carlisle exclaimed to Rosalie. "What are you doing here? I didn't see you at the battle."

Rosalie hesitated for just an instant. But it seemed this plan, too, was a failure. It seemed that all of CAKE society's brilliance and vast pool of resources couldn't compete with the luck of an idiot. Which meant it was time to lie everything away. "I caught sight of a red flash as I was moving into position, and so I decided to investigate. I ended up finding onto a vampire trail that led here. I figured someone was trying to attack Sue and Edward, and so I ran over here to help them. Along the way, I met the wolf, and he came along too. And when we got here, we found that Victoria was behind the attacks all along, and now we must stop her!" Rosalie said dramatically, leveling a finger towards Victoria, who was still crouching next to Sue's body.

"Huh?" Victoria said bewildered, looking up only to see the Cullen Clan charging her. Her face was just beginning to contort with the realization that she had been betrayed when her head was separated from her body.

Rosalie relit the campfire (she liked forest fires) and they tossed the Victoria-bits into it. Rosalie dusted her hands off, and then pointed towards the cliff face, where they could hear strangled yells from both Edward and Jacob, as well a lot of hisses and shrieks from the army of vamp'd twilight fangirls. "Perhaps we should go help them now?" Rosalie suggested.

Carlisle looked in that direction just as Edward shouted, his voice clear even through the trees, "No! The dress stays _on_!"

"Yeah, maybe," Carlisle said, and the Cullens took off to rescue Edward and Jacob.

"That wasn't very nice," The Ghost of Tyler Crowley said sadly, stopping Rosalie as she moved to follow them.

She stopped and turned around to face him. He stood (floated) beside the fire, watching as the Victoria-Bits turned to ash. "Honestly, ghost, haven't enough people told you to shut up already?" She snarled. "Victoria was a minor character. Besides, sacrifices have to be made."

"Oh, a minor character getting killed and nobody cares. That's never happened before," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley said morosely. He floated up and down in ghostly emphasis. Nonetheless Rosalie glared at him for the sarcasm. "Sorry! Hanging out with the Toaster too much. He's missed you guys, by the way," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley said quickly. Then he continued, a little more strongly, "But you know, Victoria was a good person. Putting aside the whole trying to kill Edward thing, she was moving on with her life. Volunteering at an animal shelter. And she had joined a dating website to try and get over James. She didn't deserve to die like this."

Rosalie threw a rock at him. It passed right through him, but he sniffled anyways.

"Stop lecturing me, ghost," she said dismissively, hands on her hips, "I'm old enough to be your grandmother, even if you are dead. If it makes you feel any better, she would have died anyway. Script and all that. At least I gave her a cause to fight for."

"Right before you threw her under the bus," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley muttered. Then he looked up at Rosalie "So is this it, then? This was your last plan. But it failed, and Edward will be on his guard around you now. Plus I think Jacob probably won't be able to stand for a while." The Ghost of Tyler Crowley shot a worried glance towards the next clearing, where screams were still arising. Mostly Edward and Jacob's screams. "Is this the end for CAKE society?"

Rosalie turned away, flipping her blond hair over one shoulder. "Hmph," she said, "I suppose it is. That freak is like a cockroach. I give up." She walked towards the cliff, but paused right before she disappeared into the trees. "Oh, but," she said, without turning around, "don't count me out quite yet. Even if I can't kill Edward, there are other things I have to do," And then she was gone.

The Ghost of Tyler Crowley floated there for a moment, watching the smoke slowly curl out of the fire. He could have sworn it glittered a little. "Well," he said to the Victoria-bits. "That was ominous, wasn't it? It feels like… there's something big approaching." He sighed, and stared up into the ashy smoke. It hovered low, a dark cloud blocking out the sky.

"And I suppose I have to tell the Toaster that he's out of a job, too," The Ghost of Tyler Crowley sighed again.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the clearing in front of the cliff face, Edward and Jacob were buried under their respective fanclubs. Each was surrounded by vampire fangirls attempting to either get their autograph or smother them. It certainly felt more like smothering. Those that couldn't get close enough to the two had started a battle in the middle.

"TEAM EDWARD!" One shouted, going for another's neck.

"TEAM JACOB!" screamed another, going for the more traditional but still effective hair pull.

Meanwhile, Emmett, Carlisle, Esme, and Liaf were attempting to break up the fighting and save Edward and Jacob while they still had faces. Alice was "helping," although who she was helping was a matter of some debate. No one was really sure where Jasper was.

"You're almost free, Pretty-Boy," Liaf grunted as he dragged away and dismembered another one of the twilight fangirls. They had a merry little fire going already in the edge of the clearing, smoke billowing from it. Luckily, it appeared the fangirls were too preoccupied to notice their slowly dwindling numbers.

"Liaf…" Edward groaned, "They messed up my hair."

"If it makes you feel any better, your hair probably looks better for it," Liaf said, seizing another. The last two swarming Edward finally took notice, but Emmett appeared to hold them off.

"We've got Jacob free over here!" Carlisle called from the other side of the clearing. "At least, this was Jacob at some point!"

"We're almost done here, too!" Liaf shouted back, dismembering the last vamp-girl. The screams that had filled the clearing had quieted, leaving things eerily silent except for sobs from Edward and muffled whimpers from what was Jacob. Liaf tossed the last bits of fangirl into the fire and then dragged Edward to the center of the clearing, where the Cullens were meeting. Rosalie had finally appeared, joining their group.

"Where did everybody go? This was so fun!" Alice said, disappointed. They didn't answer her.

"I think that's everything," Carlisle said, surveying the clearing. "The rest of the wolves should have finished picking off the stragglers by now as well. To think, Victoria was behind all of this."

"What?" Edward said, indignant despite his injuries. He sat on the ground where Liaf had left him. "It wasn't Victoria, it was Rosalie!"

Carlisle raised an eyebrow and looked at Rosalie. Innocently, she said, "I think Victoria hit him on the head a few times as I was trying to 'save' him."

Carlisle sighed. "Just what he needs, more brain damage."

"What!" Edward said, looking desperately between Rosalie, who was smiling smugly, and Carlisle, who was sadly shaking his head. "No, Carlisle, don't believe her! She tried to kill me!"

"She wouldn't be the first, son," Carlisle said dismissively, going back to wrapping the reddish lump that formerly was Jacob in bandages. "In fact, I'm pretty sure I've tried to kill you a few times. Rosalie, would you superglue Edward back together?"

"Anything for my dearest brother," Rosalie said, giving Carlisle a smile that turned positively menacing as she looked back to Edward. Esme handed her a bottle of superglue before going to assist Carlisle. Alice was still trying to figure out where all her new friends had gone. Emmett was off in the background making sex jokes or whatever it is he does.

Rosalie knelt down beside Edward and began gluing fingers and other fun body parts that Liaf was retrieving from where they were scattered throughout the battlefield. The fangirls had apparently decided to take them as souvenirs. Edward glared at her.

"Relax," she said in a vampire whisper to him.

"I'm on to you now, you know," He quietly snarled to her. "You won't get a second chance."

"I'm not stupid," she said, jabbing his left foot onto the stump with perhaps more force than was necessary. He winced. "Look," she said, voice still razor sharp but a little more earnest than before, "I'm not going to try anything. I'll admit that I really wouldn't be shedding any tears if you died, but I have bigger plans than you now."

"Oh, that's so reassuring," Edward said, rolling his eyes. "In fact, I think I'm going to—"

"Hey guys," said Volturi Guy B, as he, Jane, and Volturi Guy A, walked into the clearing, "What's going on here?"

"Oh, excellent," Edward said, slapping a hand to his that, given the efforts of the fangirls and the pinkie he had lost to a campfire long ago, had only two fingers. "Not only are they completely useless like the Volturi always are, but I bet they're going to make some kinda sex joke."

"In bed!" Emmett said.

"Where's your girlfriend?" Volturi Guy A cut in.

"What?" Edward said blankly.

"You know, that human girl that's always clinging to you… her name's like Helen or something," Volturi Guy A said impatiently.

"Oh, Heroin?" Edward said. "Well, she's right…" he looked around. And then looked again, not finding the said drug-in-human-form. "You know what? Turns out that's actually a really good question." He turned his head towards Rosalie. "Where would she be?"

Rosalie put a finger to her chin in thought. "She might still be back at your campsite. Remember how she kinda got knocked unconscious in the fighting?"

"Yes," Edward said with a glare.

Liaf came by, depositing a handful of sparkly bits. He sighed. "I'll go get her."

"And we can catch up with you guys while we're waiting!" Volturi Guy B said to the Cullens. No one except Alice and maybe Emmett looked like they thought that was a good idea.

"Have fun with that," Liaf said, turning to walk out of the clearing. Before he took more than two steps, though, a scream rang out. A familiar scream. Liaf swore and disappeared into the trees.

"Wait, if we just killed Victoria, and the Volturi are right here, then who could be attacking Sue?" Edward asked.

"Probably a squirrel or something," Rosalie said with a shrug as she dumped glue on Edward's right ear.

* * *

_Cliffhanger_!

_Kinda weird. This chapter actually felt like it might have had some substance behind it. Me, writing substance? Watch your pigs, or they might fly away. _

_In other news, Emmett is the most useless character ever. _


	25. Resolutions

After Rosalie stuck his ear back on, Edward was in a whole enough piece to get up. Carlisle stayed behind to keep Jacob from bleeding out on the forest floor, while the rest of the Cullens and the Volturi ran into the woods not far behind Liaf, either hoping to save Sue (maybe Esme, and probably Edward) or hoping to see her get eaten (everyone else). They skidded to a stop beside Liaf, and looked at the scene before them.

Sue had gotten into a kneeling position, and was rubbing at an impressively purple lump on her forehead while staring in terror at a young vampire girl who was stalking towards her. She had short, dark hair, brilliant red eyes, and looked absolutely furious.

Rosalie looked at the vampire girl, trying to figure out where she'd seen her before.

"You," hissed the vampire girl, her scarlet eyes fixed on Sue. "This is all your fault. If you could just be a normal person, then I wouldn't have been stuck in that basement this whole time!"

"Oooh," Rosalie said, finally recognizing one of the Team Edward girls. In fact, she though that was the one that Jacob had taken on that ill fated panty raid a while back.

"Welp, looks like we missed one," Emmett said, walking over to the dwindling campfire and tossing a few logs on it. The flames flared up, and the girl spun to look at them.

"You all! Will you really protect this girl?" she said. Bree, Brittany, her name was something like that.

"I think you should answer no," Volturi Guy B advised.

"Step away from Heroin!" Edward said dramatically, despite the fact that he didn't look all that heroic, covered in scars, wearing nothing but an eye patch and the shards of a little black dress. Her little black dress, in fact. Rosalie might have said she wouldn't kill him, but she did still have a room back at CAKE Society headquarters filled with copious amounts of torture devices.

"Edward," breathed the girl, her eyes going dewy for a moment, but then anger contorted them again. "No! I'm killing her! And none of you can stop me!"

Edward, Rosalie, Emmett, and the Volturi looked back at her, not feeling the need to mention the remarkable inaccuracy of her previous statement.

The stare-off only ended when Jasper burst through the trees into the clearing, holding a rather beaten up toaster high above his head. But not just any toaster. _The _Toaster.

Rosalie slapped a hand to her face. This was the second time Jasper had managed to break into her base. Clearly she would need to get that fixed before she used the base for any more-or-less evil operations.

"Fear not, brave adventurers," intoned the Toaster. "I know her weakness."

"Yeah," Rosalie said. "Fire." She plucked the gasoline from Emmett's hands, doused the girl, and then shoved her into the flames from a safe distance. It was over in an instant.

"You are such a violent person," said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley, floating out from behind Jasper, who still was holding the Toaster in the air.

"Ghost," Rosalie growled. "You're behind this?"

"Not really," said the Ghost of Tyler Crowley with a spectral shrug. "I just kinda saw these two," he gestured at Jasper and the Toaster with a ghostly arm, "and decided to follow them."

"Is it just me, or did that toaster just talk?" ask Volturi Guy A.

"You know what else talked?" said Volturi Guy B. "Your mom!"

Volturi Guy A slapped him upside the head. "Quit being stupid, man. Our image doesn't need anymore tarnishing. Besides, you're not even funny. But seriously, the toaster?"

"Yes," said the Toaster. "I'm a talking toaster."

"I need to find a more sane parody to be in," Liaf said, slapping a hand to his face.

"You see, I used to be the schizophrenia induced voice in Sue's head," continued the Toaster dramatically. "But then Edward came back and she didn't need me anymore! Lost, alone, and unwanted, I wandered for days. And then I found this poor toaster, discarded by the roadside! I decided it was worthy to be my new body. And on that day, the glorious wonderful absurd spectaculariffic crunchy delicious awesome buttered Toaster was born!"

Jasper hopped into the air as the Toaster said the last line for effect.

"That's kinda weird," said Volturi Guy A. "So why are you here now?"

"Mostly because I haven't been in this story for a while, so I needed to make an appearance," the Toaster said. Jasper shrugged for it.

"Alright, whatever, I'm going to ignore you now," Volturi Guy A said. "Besides, there are more important things. Like catching up with some _old friends_." He shifted his gaze to Jasper, and his smile was rather on the malevolent side. "Jasper, my old buddy! We've missed you! My, I haven't seen you since, oh, thirty years ago?"

"Yeah!" Volturi Guy B said. "That time when Aro got him into the bathroom at the airport and then—"

Volturi Guy A slapped him again. And then he turned his smile back on Jasper. "Anyway, Aro sends his regards, and wishes for you to know that the Volturi would love to have you back anytime."

Jasper sent a positively murderous glare at both of them.

"Yeah," Volturi Guy B said, "He would _love_ to have you. Back."

Jasper threw the Toaster at him. It bounced off his forehead.

"This is against my rights!" complained the Toaster.

"He just threw a toaster at me!" Volturi Guy B exclaimed, getting to his feet and rubbing at his forehead.

"Jasper always was a violent one," Volturi Guy A observed.

"Well, some of that had to be pent up rage from all the stuff Aro made him do," said Volturi Guy B. "remember that one time he had to pretend to be an altar boy and then Aro walked in wearing nothing but his hat and—"

"Yeah, yeah, enough about Jasper already," Edward said, annoyed. "Isn't it supposed to be me that you're interested in?"

Volturi Guy A looked at him and raised an eyebrow. "Are you really so egocentric that you want even Aro to be focused on you?"

"Kinda, yeah," Edward said.

Sue, throughout this whole exchange, was looking frantically from one face to another, steadily working herself into a greater state of panic. To be fair, she had nearly gotten plastered by Bree and the Volturi were a bunch of creepers. However, she chose this point in the conversation to burst out into wails and sobs.

Everyone stopped talking and looked down at Sue, who really was making quite the production of herself at this point.

"Dude," Volturi Guy A said, looking down at Sue. "I think your girlfriend's broken."

"Yeah," Edward said in exasperation, rubbing at his face with a mangled hand. "She does that."

"Sue, sweety, it's okay," Esme said, crouching down beside Sue and rubbing her back soothingly. "Everything's over now."

"Oh, Esme!" Sue bawled, during her face in the rather expensive fabric of his shirt. To Esme's credit, though, he didn't even flinch. Which is significantly more than Rosalie could have managed. She shot the shreds of her dress, as well as the bronze-haired vampire wearing it, another glare.

"Well, then," Volturi Guy A said, dusting his hands off. "The girl is crying, and it looks like we've taken care of everything here. Time for us to head back to Italy."

"You realize you guys did absolutely nothing, right?" Liaf said. "I don't even know why you had to show up at this part."

Jane shrugged. "It's an image thing. Kind of. And Aro wanted us to pass on a message."

"What is it?" Liaf asked.

"Hi," Jane said, deadpan. "Now then, let's get out of here before anyone calls me a—"

"SadisaaaAAAARRRRRGHHHH!" Edward began to chirp, only to devolve into screaming when Jane looked at him.

"We're done here. Peace out," Jane said, still in a monotone. She and the Volturi Guys melted into the trees, leaving Edward twitching on the forest floor.

"You know some weird people," the Ghost of Tyler Crowley told the Cullens.

"You know a talking toaster!" Emmett shot back.

The Ghost of Tyler Crowley shrugged. "Point."

* * *

And so everything was resolved and everyone was happy, except not really.

Sure, Victoria was taken care of, and Sporks was saved, but aside from a few quick angst sessions, nobody really cared about her. The vast numbers of murders in Seattle really hadn't concerned the Cullens as much as you might expect. But to be fair, there were more important concerns, like Sue's wedding.

Sue's current errand, however, was one even more pointless and angsty than planning her wedding. She sighed as she drove down a road that had once been familiar to her to a house that had at one time welcomed her with open arms.

After the battle, everything had more or less returned to normal. The Cullens hadn't lingered long. They left the Ghost of Tyler Crowley and the Toaster there, the two engaged in some kind of conversation about finding a new gig. Sue wasn't quite sure about that. Then, since Jacob had been more or less in one piece, they had stopped long enough to dump him on his front lawn. That was apparently as far as the truce between the Cullens and the wolves went, though Sue shuddered to think how Billy was going to manage to drag Jacob into their house while in a wheelchair. It probably wouldn't really help Jacob's injuries too much.

Sue then had to endure several hours of being held hostage by Alice, apparently to seal her alibi for Charlie. Because Charlie was really such a perceptive and involved parent. And Alice would help with this. Somehow. Sue was happy to get away, if only to avoid Alice. But her current task also contributed to her eagerness.

Sue had headed straight her after leaving Chez Cullen. She parked her car in front of Jacob's little house, and stepped out. After taking a deep breath, she walked up to the front door. It was time to talk to Jacob.

* * *

"Dude," said Liaf, from where he and Edward were hiding in the bushes.

"She's just going to dump him, alright?" Edward said defensively, as he watched Sue slip into the interior of Jacob's house. "So he's a good kisser, and his lips don't make her think that she's making out with a statue of George Washington. Doesn't mean a thing. She's done with leading him on, and she's going to let him know this."

"I feel like I should make a bad pun about denial right now," said Liaf, "but I think the irony of the situation is enough."

"Yeah, remind me to kill irony if I ever get a chance," Edward said. "Now shut up and help me spy."

* * *

_I actually kinda like this chapter of _eclipse_ (chapter 26, even though I left all the conversation until my next chapter), putting the initial Sue-angst-fest aside. There's some interesting stuff in the relationship between good old Mary Sue and Jacob that never really gets explored because Sue's always off moaning about Jerkward. I like Jacob as a character most of the time, but he has this tendency to get screwed over by the plot. Plus, if he likes Sue, I gotta kinda call his judgment into question. _


	26. And Eat It Too

Sue slipped quietly into the room. Jacob was covered in bandages, and she winced as she looked over the injuries—those fan girls were _vicious_, Sue had heard Carlisle even had to remove a fake fingernail from Jacob's chest cavity where one had been gripping him a little too tight—but he was also shirtless, and that made her feel a little better. After all, it just wouldn't be Jacob if he was wearing a shirt.

"Oh awesome," Jacob said as Sue entered. "Are you here to stab me in the heart again? Because one of those psychos already beat you to it."

Sue drew back a little at the anger in Jacob's voice. "Aren't you supposed to be all understanding and stuff? It's really going to hurt your fanbase if you're perceived as a jerk."

"If that's the case, then you must not have much of a fanbase, correct?" snarled Leah, who was sitting on a chair in the corner. Sue jumped.

"What the heck are you doing here? This is supposed to be a romantic scene between me and Jacob!" Sue sputtered.

Leah looked at her nails in a bored sort of way. Sue got the impression that that was a façade to cover up the violence she was actually feeling. "Yeah, well, ordinarily, I'm all for the fluffy, sappy, romantic junk," she said, and you wouldn't even be able guess at the verbal irony from her tone, "but I'm afraid I'll have to interrupt this time. Seriously, girl, you're not the first person to have boyfriend problems. In fact, you have two guys chasing after you, as opposed to being forced into a creepily intimate mind-melding with the jerk who dumped you for your cousin. After knowing her for all of a day. So—and this is just so we're clear—if you say anything about how much you love Jacob, how much you wish you could be with him, and how he's your soulmate-but-to-a-lesser-degree-than-sparklepants, I will honestly slit your throat. With this knife." Leah held out a knife in front of her. The blade twisted in a sinusoidal manner, and was probably about seven inches long. It was also covered in blood.

"Hey, isn't that my dad's?" Jacob asked.

Leah didn't look at him. "Yes," she said, glaring at Sue. "I'm borrowing it."

"You're really, really, scary," Sue squeaked.

"She is kind of a werewolf," Jacob said. "And we're pretty sure that her mom was playing around a bit at the time of her birth, and she's legitimately half wolf, which is why she can shift even though she's a girl."

"You're funny, Jacob," Leah said, burying the dagger in the mattress next to him, her eyes never leaving Sue. "If Meyer hadn't already screwed up werewolf genetics, I'd say it was just a sex linked trait, and I happened to be the lucky freak who inherited two copies of the gene. You know what? That's probably the explanation, and you just have an extra chromosome because you have Down Syndrome."

"Seriously, if you intend to be a main character in the next book, you can't be this offensive," Jacob said, still eyeing the dagger with some trepidation.

"Oops," Leah said, and it almost sounded sincere.

"It's seriously times like this that I wonder if a higher power is just messing with me," Jacob said with a sigh, messing with a bandage on his arm. "I mean, seriously, would it kill her to stick me with a nice, calm girl for once? Instead, I get paired with all the psychopaths."

"Jacob," Leah said patiently.

He winced. "Leah?

"You know I have no qualms against actually stabbing you," Leah said.

Jacob's hand moved to a scar on his arm. "I'm aware."

"Just so we're clear." Leah paused. "What do you mean, her?"

"Oh, yeah, that," Jacob said. "See, when we were camping in the mountains, Edward told me about this one weird girl he met while he was traveling through the dimensions…"

"Um," Sue said, timidly, breaking into their conversation. Jacob and Leah stopped and looked at her.

"Yes?" Leah asked, crossing her legs.

"I was just, um, wondering, if I could maybe speak to Jacob for a minute, like, alone…" Sue trailed off.

"Oh, don't be silly," Leah said. "No."

"But, um, he kissed me and there's some stuff we need to work out and I think I should tell him that I love him…" Sue said in a small voice.

Leah just looked at her.

"I'll just be going now," Sue said, her voice barely a whisper now. Leah kept her level gaze until Sue had edged out of the room.

"You know, you probably didn't need to do that," Jacob said. "And I kind of would like to hear her say that she loved me and all that. The script calls for a romantic scene here."

"And have to deal with you thinking about it for the next week? Pass," Leah said.

"So are you really supposed to be a major character in the next fic?" Jacob asked.

Leah settled back in her chair. "Yes."

"Oh," Jacob said, eying the knife.

* * *

The third time she nearly ran into another car, Sue decided she was officially a road hazard and pulled her truck over to the side of the road. On doing so, she immediately burst into copious tears.

"Oh my goodness, Heroin's crying," Edward said, popping in the back seat.

"This shocks me," Liaf said, sitting up next to him.

At this point, Sue had foregone her tears in favor of a scream. Clutching at her heart, she managed to blubber, "W-what are you doing here?"

"We definitely weren't eavesdropping on you conversation with Jacob," Edward said.

"If it can be called that," Liaf added. "Looks like Wolfie's got some bigger girl problems than just you, girlie."

"Psycho women. Can't live with them, can't live without them. Speaking of which, are you seriously going to keep crying?"

"Pretty much," Sue said, tears running down her face. "At least for like a day or so. And then I'm going to quote _Wuthering Heights_, because the author can't think up her own words. Or plot lines. Plagiarism: we're not even doing it right."

"Yeah, that sounds like a good summary of _twilight_," said Liaf. "Seriously, any high schooler could tell Meyer that if you're going to artlessly steal somelse's brilliance, you probably shouldn't mention the original source in your work. 'Cause, you know, plagiarism is kind of a bad thing and you usually don't want to call attention to it. It's a good thing that no English teacher would ever take this seriously, because they would probably have a heart attack if they did."

"What about this parody?" Sue asked through the rivers running down her eyes. "Wouldn't this make an English teacher cry?"

"Probably," said Liaf, as Edward pushed Sue over and took the dirver's seat. "But that's 'cause it's full of artless sex jokes and random crap that only could result from a complete lack of actual planning."

"Oh, I see," Sue said.

"So what are you going to do about Charlie?" Edward asked as he veered into oncoming traffic. "I mean, you could explain to him how you just broke up with your second boyfriend, but that might make him grab a gun a shoot _me_, for reasons that probably make sense to him in his little Charlie-mind."

"It'll be fine," Sue said. "He'll see that I'm crying before I even get into the house, and that'll result in him hiding in the basement, pretending that he's not hiding in the basement, until sometime tomorrow."

"Ah, such a brave man, our police chief is," Edward said, pulling a quick maneuver to avoid a squirrel on the highway, nearly resulting in them getting plastered to a tree.

"Should you be driving?" Sue asked, concerned. The tears had not stopped. In fact, they had gotten stronger, if anything.

"No," Edward and Liaf said at the same time.

* * *

As expected, Charlie was nowhere to be found when Sue entered the house. However, she could hear suspicious noises from the basement, along with the occasional obscenity. It was very dark in Sue's basement, and there were lots of spiders. Liaf had headed back to the Cullen Manor while Edward ran up to Sue's room before Charlie could get a glimpse of him.

Sue walked into the kitchen to grab something to eat, the floodgates still wide open. Yeah, maybe it was ridiculous to cry for like fifteen pages straight, but it was just—oh, she loved them both so much! She loved Edward more of course, but she loved Jacob too, and it was just so agonizing! Like reading this! After all, Jacob was her sun, son-in-law, and she loved him sooooo much, but Edward was made of marble and sparkly and perfect and she loooooved him and—

"Oh, honestly, you asinine child, please cease your incessant monologuing at once!" said the Edward magnet.

"Yeah dog, we got some fresh symbolism for ya!" chimed in the Jacob-magnet.

"Seriously, you know you've got problems when half your characters are inatimate objects," Sue said.

"Oh, do leave the poor, feeble fourth wall alone," said the Edward magnet. "It does not need anymore stress. Now then, milady, would you mind terminating your superfluous tears? They are rather distracting."

"No can do," said Sue. At this point her clothes were covered in wet spots from her tears.

"Dang it, woman!" shouted the Jacob magnet. "Crazy broad. Smarty-boy, just tell her how it is."

"Gladly, my articulately challenged partner," said the Edward magnet. "You see, dear Mary Sue, owning to the stunning and meaningful image we magnets presented in our first appearance, we have returned for an encore. Because after five hundred pages of astounding angst, one needs magnets to properly sum our affairs up."

"I don't get a thing he's sayin'!" said the Jacob magnet.

"All along, Mary Sue, you have been mistaken," continued the Edward magnet, "It was not your significant others that were incompatible—even though it _was, _put the two of them in a room together and see what happens—no, instead, it was the two parts of yourself. Now is that not just lovely?"

"And now the Edward-Sue killed the Jacob-Sue! Heck yeah!" shouted the Jacob magnet.

"Precisely," agreed the Edward-magnet. "And that is what brought such moisture from your eyes. You have forever turned your back on the future in which you joined Jacob Black in matrimony. All you have now is your reminisces, which you will tell to your daughter years in the future. I predict your conversation will go something like this: 'Ah, dearest daughter, that Jacob Black is such a good kisser, you are ever so lucky to have him! Why, I do recall the first time I kissed him!' 'Oh, curse you, Mother! You are the moodiest of mood killers!'"

"Yeah!" added the Jacob-magnet.

"Well, then, I think we have served as symbolism admirably," concluded the Edward magnet.

"Now go get your eighteen year old behind married to that sparkly fairy that could be your grandfather!" yelled the Jacob magnet.

Sue just stared at them a moment. Then she nodded slowly, grabbed some poptarts, and ran up to her room. Still crying.

"SYMBOLISM!" shouted the Jacob magnet.

* * *

_Ah! So sorry for the late chapter! I completely spaced._

_Those magnets are some of the weirder characters I have. That means, of course, that they're really fun to write. I need more characters with strange speech patterns.  
_

_ I was looking back at chapter twenty-one while I was writing this, and I totally have Jacob shift into wolf form, and then promptly forget and have him talking not two paragraphs later XD. Once I get my free time back, I'm going to have to go through and edit my parodies to fix all the silly things like that. _


	27. Loose Ends of the Knot

"You know," Jacob said, "you really didn't have to be so mean to her."

"I am perfectly aware," Leah said, yanking on the dagger in an attempt to remove it from the mattress.

"But you enjoyed it?" Jacob said with a sigh, leaning back on his pillows. Healing officially sucked.

"I thoroughly enjoyed it," Leah said, grunting a little as the dagger finally came free. The hand holding the dagger flew into the air in the absence of pressure, and Jacob flinched just a little.

"You know, I meant what I said about you being a psychopath," Jacob said, eying the dagger.

"And I meant what I said about stabbing you," Leah shrugged.

"Seconded," Rosalie said, stepping out of Jacob's closet (which didn't actually contain anything since all his shirts had burst into flame once he got abs). "I didn't miss that comment about your previous partner, wolf."

Jacob groaned. "Seriously, do I have to deal with both of you at once? Because then Leah might actually be doing me a favor if she stabs me."

"Amusing," Rosalie said, sitting down on the side of the bed. Leah settled back in chair. The two looked nothing alike, and were kind of different species, but Jacob still felt like they were probably twins.

"And did you really have to threaten me to get me to be mean to Sue? I bet that she probably spends the next two days crying," Jacob said.

"I need to torment someone to get rid of my anger," Rosalie said. "The work of the last year of my life did just go up in smoke as of yesterday, you know."

"It was my plan too," Jacob grumbled. "And in case you didn't notice, that was the girl who was supposed to be mine coming over to unwittingly rub in the fact that she's _not _mine, and will _never_ _be_ mine."

"Oh, yes, that reminds me. I have an invitation for you," Rosalie said, pulling an envelope from her purse and handing it to Jacob.

"What's it for?" Jacob asked, taking it. He crinkled his nose: not only did it smell like vampire, but the envelope was pale pink.

"Sue and Edward's wedding," Rosalie said promptly.

"Son of a *****," Jacob said. The envelope was in pieces, and he wasn't quite sure how that had happened.

"You probably don't want to read the letter Edward sent to accompany the invitation," Rosalie continued. "I did that for you, and it made me wonder why I gave up killing him."

Jacob's hands shook as he strangled the air. "Well, gloating sparkly fairies aside, you two are planning something, right?" Jacob asked after a moment, looking at the two killers disguised as women who were sitting in his room.

"Whatever gives you that idea?" Rosalie asked, fluttering her eyelashes in an attempt to look innocent. Too bad it was _Rosalie. _

"I'm sure you would come all this way just to see me," Jacob said.

Rosalie looked hurt. "Of course I would. We _were _partners for a long time. Is it so hard to believe I care about you?"

"Yes," Jacob said. "You'd have to have a heart for that, instead of the jaguar that lives in your chest."

"Fair enough." Rosalie shrugged.

"So do I get to know what you're planning? And how did you two even meet, anyways?" Jacob asked.

"To the first question, no," Leah said, casually flipping the dagger in the air. "Besides, you'll find out soon enough. As to the second, we met on an internet forum for disenfranchised _twilight _characters with slight tendencies towards causing havoc."

"You'd be surprised at some of the people you meet on there," Rosalie added.

"I'm sure," Jacob said. "Now why do I get the feeling that I'm going to be dragged into whatever you two are planning?"

"Don't ask stupid questions," Leah said. "You'll make it obvious that we're stalling for time."

"Yeah, this epilogue is really short," Jacob said. "We should probably find some clever way to end it. I'm kind of too crippled to run off, and it's not like a cliffhanger is really going to matter since we start making fun of _breaking dawn _in a week."

"We could cut to Alice making Sue's wedding preparations," Rosalie suggested.

"Um, pass," said Jacob. "I'd really not have that rubbed in my face—"

"Ooooh, Jacob!" Edward sung, appearing in Jacob's window. "Did you get my message?"

"Leah—" Jacob began.

"On it," She threw the knife. It embedded itself in the window frame as Edward hid behind it.

"See, I told you he's like a cockroach," Rosalie said with a sigh.

"What?" Edward said, miming a hurt face, as he came back into view. "Didn't you appreciate the offer? I was only being a nice guy."

"That's not what your letter suggested," Rosalie said innocently.

"Not helping, dear sister," Edward hissed. He stepped through the window, and assumed an arrogant pose. Liaf, who had previously been hidden by the window ledge, scurried in after.

"Nice place you got here," Liaf remarked, and it may have been sarcastic. The room was full to bursting with assorted mythological creatures.

"Well, Sue finally stopped crying—" Edward began.

"—he knocked her out—" said Liaf.

"So I figured I'd come over here and gloat a little more," Edward said. "And since Rosalie's here, I suppose I can gloat to her too. Even if Carlisle still thinks I'm delusional and keeps trying to slip drugs into my blood, I foiled your little scheme. You both thought you were so smart. You," he pointed to Rosalie, "would kill me and take my main character spot, while you" he pointed to Jacob, "would just waltz in and take my girlfriend. But it didn't work out, now did it? I still have the girl and the gig, and who's laughing now?" He laughed.

"He's laughing now," Liaf observed.

"You bet your sparkly behind I am!" Edward laughed again. Rosalie looked at Leah, and raised an eyebrow. Leah twirled a finger around her ear and shrugged.

The door flew open. All assembled in Jacob's room turned to look in mild curiosity. There, framed in the doorway, was Billy Black.

"Is everything alright in here, son? I thought I heard maniacal laughter…" Billy trailed off, his eyes landing on Edward.

"Why does this feel somehow familiar?" Edward asked.

"Leah," Billy said calmly. "Where's my knife?"

"There," she said, pointing to where it still was stuck in the window frame.

"Hmm," he said, eying the crowded expanse leading to it. "Maybe I'll just have you take care of it instead."

Leah rolled her eyes. "You know, I'm not an attack dog. But in this case, I'll make an exception." She then launched out of her chair and tackled Edward. They both flew out the window. A few seconds later, there was a ripping sound and then the air was filled with growls and Edward's screams.

"It's a good thing he heals fast," Rosalie observed. "Good for him, anyway."

"So, out of curiosity, if you wanted to kill Edward so bad, then why don't you just have wolf girl take care of it now?" Liaf asked, walking over the window to watch.

"_I _wasn't trying to kill Edward," Rosalie said innocently.

"Drop the act," Liaf said. "If you _didn't _want to kill Edward, then I have severely misjudged you. Besides, the only reason I wasn't helping you was because you never told me. And the fact that if Pretty-Boy goes, then I have no one to go and do stupid crap with. But anyways, my previous question still stands."

Rosalie shrugged. "The only reason she's able to attack him right now is because she's not actually trying to kill him. Watch this. Hey, Leah, tear off his head!" she yelled. There was a loud series of snarls from both Leah and Edward, and then all of the sudden, a third set of growls. After a series of thuds, the noise abruptly died off. Rosalie hadn't flinched the whole time, though everyone else was looking curiously out the window.

A few seconds later, Leah, in human form, appeared at the window, looking rather amazed. "I kid you not, he just rode a grizzly bear off into the sunset."

"See?" Rosalie said. "The devil's luck. Or the main character's. One of the two."

"Weird," Liaf said. "Well, I'm going to leave you fun bunch now to go see if Edward is eating that grizzly." Liaf then jumped out of the window. Leah, still in a state of shock, stepped aside to let him pass; otherwise it might have come to a fight.

"Well then, I think that's been our bit of excitement today!" Rosalie said cheerily. "Events wait for no woman, and so Leah and I will have to depart from your charming company, my dear Jacob, so we can go take care of some planning. Get well soon!" Somehow, she managed to make even that sound ominous. She traced Liaf's route to the window, and then vaulted over the ledge.

Leah shook her head to clear it. "Right. Yeah, get your butt back in action, Beta. If I get my way, there'll be some significant violence in our future, and you're the best meat shield I have." On that note, the two women ran off into the woods.

"You know, we do have a front door," Billy grumbled. "You crazy kids these days with your dramatic entrances and supernatural battles and your angst." He wheeled out of the room, still mumbling.

Jacob sighed in the now emptiness of his room. "This is seriously what my life has become?"

* * *

Of course, there is a saying in the world that no matter how bad you have it, there is one person who has it worse. And at this moment, the one person who had it worse than Jacob was Sue.

"Alice," she groaned, and that world really summed it up.

"And as for the cake," Alice said thoughtfully, placing a finger on her chin. "Well, I suppose you don't really like blood-flavored things, do you? Hmmm. Well, considering that the only people who'll actually be coming are us and your parents, maybe we should get two cakes…"

"What?" Sue said. "You didn't invite the whole town?"

"Oh, no, I did," Alice said brightly. "But you should have seen the replies I got back! I had to ask Liaf what some of those words meant, even."

Curse these hicks. "Meh, never liked them anyways," Sue said. "Regardless, do you really have to make everything so elaborate?" She looked down at all the shiny brochures and catalogues spread out before her. Alice seemed to think she was planning out a celebrity wedding—at least, as much as Alice thought anything. And Sue had the sinking feeling that Alice was capable of delivering, too.

"Of course, Sue!" Alice said, pouting. "You only get married—for the first time—once! Besides, I have the feeling that big things are in our future. And that means we need a big party!"

"Do you really see that, or is it just an excuse for all this mess?" Sue gestured again at the wedding planning materials.

"Just an excuse!" Alice said cheerily. "Now then, let's get this cake work out, shall we?"

Sue sighed as Alice blathered on and on. She supposed this was her future…

* * *

There is also something that is not a saying, but that should probably be. And it is this: If you think you have it bad, then just shut up and stop complaining, because it can always get worse.

In a sun filled tower in Volterra, an ancient (in body, certainly not in mind) vampire sat, fiddling with his pope hat while he listened to the reports of two Volturi Guys, and one Jane.

"Hmmm, you say the Cullens managed to stop an entire horde of fangirls, in spite of dissension among their ranks? And more than that, those precious teenaged boys of theirs continue to defy me? Interesting," said Aro in a manner that suggested it was not interesting, but rather infuriating. He snapped his fingers, and an unnamed henchman brought him a cat. He absentmindedly stroked it. "It seems I've let this go on to long. The time has come for us… to manufacture some conflict. Luckily, I have just the thing for that." He looked to the side, where there was a prisoner chained to the wall. "After all, you're going to help me, now aren't you?"

"You don't know what you're doing!" The woman said desperately. "Your actions could unravel the very fabric of this world!"

Aro laughed sinisterly. It was a quite impressive and awe inspiring evil laugh, considering how long he had to perfect it. "Ah, but you still don't see, my friend. What care I for the world, if I can have what I want!" He shook his head in mock dismay. "It's high time we shake the foundations of this world anyway. Look out, my old friend Carlisle!" He raised a fist as he stood, his black cloak swirling around him. "The Volturi are coming!"

* * *

_What Aro fails to mention is that the Volturi have significant bureaucratic and lawful process they have to follow before engaging in said evil shenangins, and therefore won't be doing anything for like ten chapters. So yeah, if you're curious who this mysterious woman is, you might be in for a bit of a wait. _

_God, this chapter just did not want to be posted. I blame it for breaking my account for the last three weeks.  
_

_ So again we come to the end of a parody! As always, it's been tremendous fun, and you guys all rock. __I'll tell you this, fun times are ahead. _

_ Thank you for reading. _


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